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I should get a hot dog. From one of those carts. I hadn’t had one of those in years. And perhaps after the meeting a short stroll through Central Park. No, it was raining, and the senator would want me back . . .
The senator was dead, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted.
What did I want? Lord, the thought was paralyzing. I could feel my heart start to pound in my neck. The reality of my freedom making me short of breath. Sweat bloomed along my hairline. Two years with him. Three months with his memory, and I had no idea who I was anymore.
Stop. Breathe.
I didn’t have to experience all my freedom all at once. I wanted a hot dog. I could start there.
The Constantines owned a giant high-rise office building in Manhattan where Winston ran Halcyon. But Caroline owned a brownstone on the Upper East Side across from the park. And that was where I’d been summoned.
The car pulled up to the curb, and Theo got out in the rain, popped open the umbrella and opened my door.
The memory came out with the cool fresh air. Like a missile hiding underwater.
“Stop,” Jim said, grabbing my wrist. “Wait.”
“I don’t need someone to open the door for me,” I said, pulling away, but his grip was unbreakable, and he got that look on his face that he was getting more and more. That half smile. That blank stare. I stopped fighting him, and he squeezed my wrist harder.
“You’re hurting me,” I whispered.
“Am I?” he asked, suddenly and completely unfamiliar to me. His handsome face was simply a mask over the reality of him. The awful snakey-ness of him.
“Jim—” I breathed.
“You wait for the driver to open the door,” he said like I was a child. Like he needed to teach me. He dropped my wrist just as the driver opened the door. His face his own again. His smile the lie everyone believed.
“Ma’am?” Theo stood outside the door, his head framed by the umbrella behind him.
“Yes,” I said, fighting the urge to rub away the phantom pain in my wrist. “Just a second.”
Theo stood back. He was just a man. An employee. But he was also a reminder of what I’d been. A possession. If I wanted real independence, I did need to learn how to drive.
Perhaps this was too soon? Coming into the city? I hadn’t been back here without Jim or without trying to hide what he did to me for over two years. But if I gave into this fear and went home, I knew there would never be a day when I was brave enough. It was now or never.
I had to get out of the car. I did. Caroline was expecting me, and I loved Caroline, and I wanted a hot dog, and so I forced myself to get out of the car and stand in the drizzly rain. Theo didn’t smile at me. He didn’t seem like the smiling type, but I could tell he was proud of me.
I was proud of me. This was clearly a baby-steps situation.
“Mrs. Maywell,” a serious man with a smart suit stood up from behind his desk when I walked in. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” The banalities came so easy.
“We’re all so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Mrs. Constantine is waiting for you in her office,” he said and led me to the elevator. I was embarrassed by this attention. By his kindness. I wanted him to sit down and ignore me. He pushed the button for the carriage. “Justin will meet you by the elevators.”
I smiled and thanked him. The elevator whisked me to the eighth floor and Justin, Caroline’s assistant, greeted me at the door. It was like I couldn’t be alone, even for a minute. Was that standard, I wondered? Or was everyone just so convinced I was helpless.
“Hello, Mrs. Maywell—”
“Poppy,” I all but snapped. I couldn’t stand that name. It made me feel owned. I smiled. “Please, call me Poppy.”
“Of course. Caroline will be two minutes. Can I get you some coffee?”
“No. I’m fine.”
Justin led me across the waiting room to Caroline’s office. The rugs were burgundy Turkish silk. There were leather couches and chairs for people to wait in. He led me right past them to the double wooden doors with beautiful lion’s head doorknobs in the middle of them. There was another door leading off from this room. An office for one of her children, I imagined. Which one of them had the honor of sharing space with her I didn’t know.
“Mrs. Constantine said you should wait in here,” Justin said and opened the door to Caroline’s inner sanctum.
I sat and waited to see what was in store for me now. Waiting, always waiting to see what was going to happen to me next.
