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“The new foundation was something your husband and I were working on. He signed the papers just a few nights before . . .” she trailed off.
“He put a bullet in his own head?” The crassness was a surprise. It was shades of my sister coming out, and I understood how delicious it could be to be irreverent. To say what I wanted.
“I was going to say ended his life, but okay, we can go your way.”
“I’m not upset about the foundation.” I crossed my legs, my muddy boots dripping on the floor. That, too, felt good. “You know what he did to me. How he treated me.”
She nodded carefully.
“Then why make me lie about what a kind and decent man he was?”
“Because we wanted those people to donate money, and if you didn’t put an end to the rumors—”
“Rumors?”
Her level gaze met mine, and I saw the pity, and I could not sit there and bathe in it.
I stood up, and she grabbed my hand.
“You were so young and everyone knew the situation with Zilla and your father,” she said quickly, as if she were apologizing. But Caroline didn’t do that. “You put up a good front,” she said. “No one ever suspected how bad it was.”
“Is that supposed to comfort me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s crappy comfort. People knew he hurt me. They just didn’t know how bad it was? So comforting.” Oh god, sarcasm. Who the hell was I?
I looked at her, hard in the eyes, remembering how she turned me away. How she told me I needed to make it work. And I owed her a lot, but not this. Not anymore.
“I’m not doing that again,” I said. “I’m done lying about him. About my marriage.”
Caroline put her hands up. “I understand, and I won’t ask that of you again. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded like we’d signed a deal, and Caroline sat back, eyeing me with a careful smile.
“It wasn’t kind of me to put you on the spot like that. But I knew if we’d run that by you—”
“I wouldn’t have done it?” I interrupted.
“No. You would have. But you would have spent two weeks thinking about it. Hurting yourself with it.”
That was undoubtedly true.
“Don’t be angry with me, Pops,” she said. “I was only trying to do what had to be done. You understand that, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I said because what else was I going to do? Hold a grudge? Against Caroline? Impossible. She smiled, sitting back in her seat.
“But you have to understand that it’s different now. I’m different.”
Caroline shook her head at me, a smile spreading across her face. “God, your mother would be so proud of you right now.”
The compliment stroked me like nothing else in the world could. “I suppose it’s about time,” I said.
“I’d say.”
“So?” I said. “Are you going to tell me about this foundation we’ve started?”
“Yes.” She checked her watch and stood up. “But I have to go into the city for a meeting. I’ll have Justin send over the details. Jim signed the paperwork before he died. You can step in as executive director as soon as you’re ready.”
“Executive director?” I said, stunned.
“Why not?”
“Because I have zero experience.”
“You worked for Jim’s foundation.” She shrugged.
“Yeah, as like a glorified fundraiser.”
“That’s not true,” Caroline said. “You had big plans.”
“Caroline,” I said and shook my head. They were hardly big plans. It was an idea that with enough money we could solve small problems. Make big changes in small ways. Micro-loans for single mothers. Breakfast programs for smaller school districts. Rural bus route improvements. Fidget toys for diagnostic kindergartens. Classroom wish lists for public school teachers. The kinds of programs that weren’t sexy and didn’t make the news, but that would really matter.
“They were creative, and you are capable. I’ll be right behind you making sure nothing goes wrong. But I have total faith in you.”
Total faith. Had anyone ever had total faith in me? Had I ever had total faith in me?
I got to my feet. “Monday?” I asked.
“Do you feel like you’re ready to go to work?”
“Past ready. But—” I was really feeling myself here.
“You want to negotiate salary?”
“No.” I didn’t need money. I had more money than I knew what to do with. “But you’re not lying to me anymore, Caroline. I’m not a pawn you can push around to get what you want. I owe you so much, but I don’t owe you my pride anymore.”
She looked at me for a long time, completely unreadable. And then she smiled, not the soft fuzzy one I usually got, but the one she saved for her bloodthirsty children.
“What’s gotten into you?” she asked.
“I don’t actually know,” I said. But Ronan was the answer. Ronan and burning my clothes.
“Well, I like it. When you’re ready, call me.”
On the tip of my tongue was a question about Ronan, about who he really was and why she trusted him, but she was all but pushing me out the door. And I didn’t know how to ask about Ronan without giving everything away. Every conflicted feeling I was wrestling with when it came to him.
