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Eyes downcast, she played with the seam of her shirt and groaned. “I need some time apart from you.”
“You had nine months.”
She glanced up and released a deep breath. “It wasn’t enough time.”
“How do you suggest we survive a marriage if you can’t be around me?”
“We don’t.”
Her tone had a finality to it.
“You don’t have a choice,” I reminded her.
“You’re the one who doesn’t have a choice. I can walk away.”
“No, you can’t.” I reached for her hand, and she pushed me away. “You’re mine, baby girl. Forever and always. What binds us will destroy us.”
Alex bit the inside of her cheek, looking over my shoulder at the patio. “Not anymore. Those words mean nothing to me now.”
My teeth hurt from clenching my jaw. And when our eyes met, she looked at me with pure hatred. Like she wished she had killed me last year. The pain of losing her was unbearable. Especially when I was losing her to my flesh and blood. To Marcello… and the Knights.
She would see they weren’t as sick and fucked up as me. Someone like Sonny or even Drake could give her everything without a shit ton of baggage attached. They could make her happy.
“You want Marcello,” I said, even though I knew the answer.
“This isn’t about choosing between you and Marcello. I’ve been through a lot in the past year. Give me some space.” Her voice trembled as she spoke. “Please. When you’re around, I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“And when you’re with Marcello, how do you feel?”
I didn’t want the truth. So why did I bother to ask?
Because you need the pain.
She glanced over at Marcello, and then her eyes landed on me. “Like I can be myself. He doesn’t make me feel crazy. It’s as easy as breathing when I’m with him.”
“And how do you feel with me?”
I was such a masochist for asking.
“Like you’re holding my head underwater. I can’t think straight when we’re together.”
I rose from the floor, needing to get the fuck away from her before I snapped.
She grabbed my wrist and pulled my gaze back to her. “Let me finish.”
“Go ahead. Tell me how much you hate me.”
“When I’m with you, I feel like I’m losing control. Like I’m standing at the edge of the cliff with you, seconds from falling off. You make my skin burn, my insides melt. It’s intoxicating and suffocating. So when I say I can’t breathe, it’s because you are my air. My oxygen. Sometimes, I don’t even realize how lost I am until I see you. Look into your eyes. Feel your body against mine. And the world disappears because it’s you and me and that cliff and that kiss and…” Tears streamed down her cheeks by the time she finished her spiel. “But I still need space, okay? Can you give me that?”
She loves me.
When she was younger, she wore her emotions on her sleeve. It was so obvious she had fallen in love with me. And yet, I couldn’t comprehend the word. It felt so foreign and strange. It was one of many reasons I pushed her away. What did love even mean? I hadn’t felt love in close to twenty years, not since my mother.
“If this is what you want, I can give you some space. Tell me one thing. Do you have feelings for Marcello?”
She dug her teeth into her bottom lip, then nodded.
“Do you love him?”
Alex stared through me like she couldn’t even see me, and the silence wrapped around us like a blanket.
“Do you?” I repeated.
Alex sighed. “I care about him.”
She had never told me she loved me. We’d never gotten to that stage in our relationship to profess our feelings. The closest I’d gotten was saying, What binds us will destroy us. That meant more to me than a stupid word.
“Does it bother you that much?” Alex asked.
“Yes.”
I didn’t care last year in the temple. I’d never been more turned on watching my queen claim her Knights. Back then, she had given herself to me completely. She had accepted my proposal a few weeks before her brother’s disappearance. Everything was falling into place.
I could have told her the truth back then, but The Devil’s Knights Charter forbid me from mentioning a new member's whereabouts during Initiation. I should have known keeping a secret from Alex would bite me in the ass.
“You need me,” Alex stated. “Always have. I need you, too, but I also need Marcello. Can you live with that?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. What the hell did that even mean? She needed my brother for what? A friend, lover, a companion?
“Guess I don’t have a choice,” I said, deflated.
“Not if you want to keep me in your life.”
A normal man would have professed his love, gotten down on one knee, and begged her to stay. I was not about to grovel at her feet, so I stormed out of the room before I burned the fucking house down.
