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I hate all of them. Well. Almost all of them. Lord va'Rin is different, but I think it's due to his wife more than anything else. I'm forced to wait, and as I wait, I worry over Mina. I can't talk to her. Can't hold her and reassure her that I'll protect her. She's alone, and probably afraid and sad, and it gnaws at me. Tears at my spirit and makes me miserable.
Only the reassurance that this is temporary gets me through the day.
Even so…
There are small joys. Risda III is nothing like Lord hs'Serr's jungle moon. While parts of the planet are less hospitable, the area we are in is green and growing, full of trees and fields lined with crops. There's a small community that has sprung up to take care of the needs of the human refugees that have been flooding into the planet. Lord va'Rin and his wife tell me they initially wanted to house only a few humans to give them a fresh start, but more reached out, and they found they could not refuse. Over time, Port has grown to house several hundred humans, along with merchants and a few members of Homeworld's militia, since the quiet settlement has started to attract other unsavory types looking to settle down, as well.
For the first few days, I don't know what to do with myself. I watch as people move around the small town, most of them human and female. Some have a mate with them, always of a different race (sometimes mesakkah, sometimes praxiian, sometimes something else). Some have children. Some are alone. No one is followed by guards with shock-sticks, waiting to keep them in line. No one wears a slave collar.
They just…go where they like.
It takes me a while to realize I could, too. That I could leave my room in Port's temporary housing quarters, walk out of the town and…simply keep walking. No one would stop me. As long as I don't hurt anyone else, I'm free. I can sleep out in the open for the rest of my days, breathing in fresh air and lying on soft grass. I didn't know I wanted it until now, and I find I spend a lot of time outdoors, just because I can sit in the sunlight and simply…be.
I thought Lord va'Rin would keep me under close guard because I'm a dangerous monster. He doesn't, though. In fact, I'm given no guards at all. At first I think they're stupid. They know I'm a clone of Crulden the Ruiner, the most dangerous, most brutal gladiator of our time. I saw a few vids of his fights when I first arrived, just to see, and I couldn't stomach the sight of them. He hurt people just to hurt them. Not just the other gladiators, either—bystanders, his owner, his prizes. There's a dark rage in his eyes that makes me realize that even though we share a face, we're not the same.
I'd fought and attacked and mauled my guards because it was expected of me. Everyone had treated me like they expected me to be dangerous and lethal, and maybe in my newly awakened clone mind, there was some vague Crulden-memory that told me this was what was supposed to happen. But now that I'm out of that environment, now that I have choices, I'm not interested in attacking anyone just for the sake of hurting them.
They just want to be left alone, like me. They want to spend their time with a mate, or sitting in the sun.
And I want that more than anything, so I leave everyone alone.
In the first few weeks, I have a hard time filling my days. It's difficult to sit and wait to hear from Lord va'Rin, to know that my Mina's freedom waits on the whim of some spoiled mesakkah. But I have no choice, so when Lady va'Rin gently suggests I utilize the time to learn things, I do so. At first, I go to a class where an old mesakkah male is teaching the locals how to read and write in Homeworld script. I am the only male in the class, though. Everyone else is human and female, and some look at me in wary fear. I don't like that, so I leave. It feels disloyal, anyhow. If I am to learn to read and write, I want to do so with Mina, so we can learn together.
I offer to help out at Lord and Lady va'Rin's estate, since I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have any applicable skills other than hurting people, but I don't want to train with the guards, either. They look at me with wariness, my tusked face reminding them of Crulden the Ruiner. I don't like that, either. I'll never be able to relax if everyone sees me as Crulden for the rest of my days.
