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Rooted both in conscious intention as well as organs considerably further down. Each subsequent kiss and cuddle kindled the fires ever further. It took all my well-practiced skills of suppression and detachment to keep control and remain relatively stoic in the face of such powerful temptation.
I was shocked to realize it, but I loved Elise. Certainly as a friend, unlikely as it seemed after such a short time, but in another, more physical way. Sexual to be sure, but also strangely longing. The idea of being away from her made me feel off. Not ‘sick’ per se. More like a phantom hand was squeezing my heart. What it meant for us remained to be seen.
“Do you want to stay here? The bed is big enough, I think.”
She would never know how much I wanted to say yes. The three-letter word, that could mean so much, flashing through my head in neon letters. I’d already seen her naked, so there’d be no new discovery in that respect, knowledge which in no way dampened my desire for her.
I wanted to see her again, as often as possible, each instance leading to another interval of true enjoyment. An intermission from the rest of life. It never really stopped, except to a permanent end, but there was still release from time to time. It could be nice to have a companion on the all-too-short but interesting adventure.
“What would your mother say?”
“You think she’ll know?”
“I’m fairly certain she has radar, or at least some kind of supernatural Mom-sense.”
“Something you know well?”
I nodded. “All too well.”
“I’m sorry, are you okay talking about her?”
“Your mother?” I asked.
“No, yours.”
“Oh.”
It was a fair question. I would have said yes, not feeling much about it at all anymore. Mostly because I wouldn’t allow myself to.
“Shit, I put my foot in it, didn’t I?”
“No, not at all. I just hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Hurts less that way,” she agreed.
“Exactly.”
“If you do ever want to talk, well, you know where to find me.”
“I sure do.”
We shared another tender kiss, launched by pure reciprocity, confirming my suspicion that she felt the same. As if her response to the low-key calamity at work wasn’t proof enough.
She didn’t need to do that, any of it. Yet, she had, with zero hesitation that I could see. To be fair, I was somewhat preoccupied at the time. Nearly bludgeoning a would-be murderer to death could do that.
It was no small thing, cleaning blood off a friend, particularly without knowing the source. It made me want to laugh, if only so I wouldn’t cry. Especially when I thought about the years we had wasted hating each other, and for what?
Life could have been more difficult, had I gone with my gut and given Elise a chance all those years ago. But at least I would have the chance at one true friend, while being true to myself.
“I should get to bed, as far as I know I still have work tomorrow,” I said.
At least, I hoped so. While my manager had been pretty kind about the whole thing, it was still not the kind of first impression I’d wanted to make.
“Is that a good idea?” Elise asked, showing a touching amount of concern.
“Probably not,” I admitted, “I don’t really have a choice though.”
“That sounds familiar.”
With great reluctance and no small difficulty, I heaved myself from the warm comfort of her bed and prepared to face a night alone. Not the first time by a long shot, but it felt different, depressing after the comparatively brief period in Elise’s loving company. Something I’d never fathomed I would want but longed for after being granted it.
My once iron-clad detachment was suddenly shaken, like a recovering alcoholic at an open-bar wedding. Weakened by my recent break. A wall of security felled the moment death came knocking, not even bringing a bottle of wine.
“Hey.”
I looked down, Elise’s small, warm hand wrapped around my wrist, somehow hindering my progress. Odd but true, like so much in life.
“My door is always open, yeah? I mean it. You’ve already seen me naked right? No worries there. You don’t even have to knock, okay? You need anything, even just to talk, you come to me.”
“Okay.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise.”
I could feel the calm rising up from the dark, wrapping around me like a blanket. Maybe I wasn’t alone after all.
With a final squeeze, Elise released her hold, leaving me to my own devices, no longer certain I wanted to leave, even if it was the safest way for all concerned. I still didn’t quite trust myself with her. Steeling my resolve, I want from the warmth to the darkness, through the hole in the hall or side of the structure. Consoled by the knowledge I really could see Elise anytime, if need be.
The futon rose to meet me as gravity did its work. Newton was right after all. About gravity if not root numbers.
