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The doorbell rings a second later and I think that it must be Mike having forgotten something, so I rush to answer it. When I pull open the door, standing there in the pouring rain is Lewis Moran, every woman’s dating nightmare. My mouth falls open.
‘Hi,’ he says, huddling under my porch. ‘Just saw a bloke leaving your place.’ There’s a frown on his brow. ‘Boyfriend you didn’t mention?’
‘Er . . . er . . . no,’ I stammer in reply, wondering exactly what it’s got to do with him. ‘Neighbour.’
He looks relieved. ‘Thought I had competition for a minute.’
‘What?’
‘Roses?’ he says. ‘Did you get the roses?’
‘Yes, thank you.’ I’m thinking, would it be really bad form to hand them right back to him?
‘And?’
‘They’re lovely.’ I suppose that I should have texted him right away, but with the bird-down-the-chimney incident, I confess that it didn’t even cross my mind.
‘We could discuss this inside.’ He glances up at the strident rain and then stares past me into the cottage.
I still can’t quite grasp that he is standing her on my doorstep or why.
‘This isn’t a good time,’ I say calmly.
‘Oh?’
I could offer him an excuse if my mind could come up with one quickly enough. I take a deep breath. There’s no point beating about the bush with this man. ‘The roses were a very nice gesture,’ I repeat. The phrase ‘romance shit’ pops into my head again, unbidden. ‘But I’m afraid that I felt we didn’t have very much in common.’
Lewis laughs his annoying laugh. ‘We got on brilliantly.’
At what point? I wonder. ‘I jumped out of a toilet window rather than have our date continue,’ I remind him.
‘That was hilarious.’
‘It was desperation.’
‘I like a woman who plays hard to get.’
‘I’m not playing at anything, Lewis. I’ve decided that I don’t want to date. Anyone.’ But most of all you. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re an amazing woman,’ he says.
‘And you’re a . . .’ Conceited. Annoying. Obnoxious. Self-centred. Thick-skinned. ‘. . . man.’
Lewis leans on my doorframe and gives me a louche smile. ‘So when can I see you again?’
Not until hell freezes over. Not until Katie Price becomes a nun. Not until Jonathan Ross speaks without a lisp. Not in a million, trillion, squillion years. Never.
‘I’ve just told you, Lewis.’ I find myself speaking to him as if he’s a small and irritating child. ‘I don’t want to see you again.’
He smiles. ‘Is this part of the master plan?’
‘I have no plan, master or otherwise. I just don’t want to see you again.’
Before I can do anything about it, he reaches in and kisses me full on the mouth. I want to splutter and spit.
‘Now tell me you don’t want to see me?’
‘I don’t want to see you,’ I manage to say through my mounting rage.
He points a finger at me and backs into the rain. ‘I don’t give up easily,’ he says, before he gives a jaunty spin on his heel and sprints towards his car.
The Audi TT he bragged about last night is slammed into reverse, and he flicks his headlights at me as he drives away into the night.
‘Yak,’ I say and wipe my mouth on my sleeve. But my hands tremble as I close the door and I remind myself to use my spyhole in future.
Chapter Fifteen
Ten minutes later, Mike comes back with our Chinese meal. I busy myself with the plates and dishing out the hot food from all the little foil dishes. When we sit down, I glug back my beer.
‘Everything all right?’ Mike says as he tucks in. ‘You look all done in. Has Archie’s avian adventure taken its toll on you?’
I think about just saying ‘yes’ but then I realise that honesty is probably the best policy. My visit from the bombastic Lewis ‘The Moron’ Moran has shaken me up a bit. I didn’t really want him knowing my home address and I could crown Nina for giving it to him. The village is quite remote and the lane is pitch black at night. I don’t like the idea of someone being able to track me down.
‘My date from last night turned up,’ I tell him. ‘While you were collecting the food.’
Mike looks suitably surprised. ‘Here?’
‘Yes. I didn’t give him my address, but my friend did so that he could send the roses.’
‘Friend?’
‘Nina. She probably thought she was doing me a good turn, and I hadn’t had the chance to tell her how awful he was.’
