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Those tears I felt before start to slide out and I’m helpless to stop them. Bryant leans down, pressing his lips against them, doing his best to kiss them away. I close my eyes and let him, feeling him surround me.
“You were never a failure, Maggie. Life dealt us a sucker punch.”
“Do you ever imagine what it would have been like? If Brylee had lived?”
“Every damn day, honey. Every damn day.”
We don’t say anything else. Instead, he pulls me into his side, adjusts me so my head rests on his chest, and my ear presses against his heart. His fingers begin combing through my hair. We lie like that in the dark and eventually, I drift off to sleep. My heart hurts and my head is full of lost dreams, what-ifs, and worry about the future.
And I do it all while in the arms of a man who is everything I’ve ever wanted and nothing I deserve.
12
Bryant
I come awake slowly, but even before I open my eyes, I know Maggie’s already gone. I had planned on calling her mother and stopping everything. Last night, being with her in bed, she reminded me of the old Maggie.
I thought that finally, after all of this time, I’d broken through one of the walls that Maggie had constructed around her. Obviously, I was wrong, or she would have been here this morning. She didn’t need to leave for at least another hour, which means she snuck out early to avoid talking to me.
It’s not enough to make me give up, but it is disheartening.
Calling Ida Sue and cancelling everything would have been a mistake. It’s clear that I can’t allow myself to stop now. Honestly, I knew going in that this was going to be a fight. I also knew that, if I won, it would be worth it.
I know some people think I’m insane for holding on all these years. The truth is, Maggie is holding on, too. The difference is, she doesn’t realize it. I ignore what others say. They don’t know Maggie and they sure as hell don’t know what we lived through when we lost Brylee. Until you lose a child, you don’t know the guilt and the blame, the soul crushing despair that you feel, the way it settles inside of you, seeps into everything you are, permeating the air that you breathe. It marked me, brought me to my knees.
But it decimated Maggie.
I was so lost in my own misery that I didn’t notice it in time. I let her down. I failed her. I didn’t want the divorce, but I thought maybe giving it to Maggie was something I owed her, prayed that she could heal and live again. Despite no longer being married, though, we sought each other out when the loneliness and pain became too much. Eventually, at least for me, it became more about finding the other part of my heart again—about never being able to let go of the love I have for Maggie.
For her, I think it’s still all mixed up in her head. The only thing I truly know is that she loves me.
Still, I was telling her the truth. I don’t want to grow old alone. I want my woman with me, by my side. I want us to raise our son together, enjoy our grandkids together. And if I can’t have that with Maggie? Then, I really do need to get the fuck out of Mason. I won’t go to Washington, though. I couldn’t be that far from Terry. I will need to be away from the woman I love if I can’t have her. Whatever the two of us have, it’s ultimately not healthy if we’re not working toward the same goal.
“Dad!” I look up as Terry comes running into the room, jumping up on the mattress so hard that he bounces in the air not once but three times before he settles.
“Hey, kiddo. You’re all excited this morning,” I murmur, smiling at him because just seeing him makes everything better.
“Uncle Luka wants me to come spend time with him and River! Isn’t that great, Dad? He wants me to go on a camping trip with them! Can I go, Dad? Please?”
I send up a silent thank you to Luka and Petal for their help in this crazy plan that Ida Sue and I hatched. I bring my boy into my arms and hug him close.
“I think that sounds like a great plan, son. You do that and when you get back, you and I can build that treehouse you’ve been wanting. What do you think about that?”
“Really? You don’t have to work?”
“Nope. I have nothing to do but spend time with my boy.”
“Awesome!” he cries, and I smile, knowing whatever happens, this little boy is one of my biggest blessings and I’ll love spending time with him.
