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I’m mad—mostly at myself. I shouldn’t have let it go this far. I was weak. I wanted it to happen so much that I gave in. The truth, however, is that Bryant thinks we’ve worked out all of our issues, and he has no idea that we haven’t even touched them. How could he? I fucked up again and didn’t tell him. I’ve always wondered what the final straw would be to make Bryant stop loving me. I’m pretty sure whatever I do next will be it. When he finds out just how screwed up I am, I don’t think there’s any way he can still love me. There’s so much that I’ve kept from him…
The thought of completely losing him nearly makes me physically sick. I can’t imagine my life without Bryant. I’m not strong enough to survive it, which leaves only one option. I need to find out what my future holds. If I don’t have cancer, maybe I can try to be normal…maybe I can pull it off for Bryant and Terry.
I look at Bryant. He’s still asleep, but he’s moving a little more. He’ll be awake soon. There’s no way he’ll let me leave unless I tell him everything. I can’t do that. I need to know myself and then figure out where I’m going from there.
I start to move away, thinking maybe I can get away from Bryant, hike back into town—or at least until I get cell service. Before I can move, however, Bryant grabs my wrist and pulls my body back to him.
“Where you going, baby?”
“I was just going to get up for a bit and stretch my legs. You go back to sleep,” I tell him, trying to keep the panic out of my voice.
“Get back in bed and I’ll stretch you,” he says instead.
I force a laugh and hope it sounds carefree. “No way, stud. You stretched me plenty last night.”
He looks up at me and my heart feels as if it flips in my chest. He looks so beautiful, so full of happiness and life. I don’t want to take that away from him. I want to share in it, but how can I?
“No, Maggie. You’re not allowed to do that,” he says, the happiness in his eyes dying a little.
“What do you mean?” I ask, pretending to be innocent.
“You aren’t allowed to let me break down the walls between us last night only to build them back up this morning. I can’t let you do that, baby. Not again.”
“Bryant, stop. Your imagination is running away with you. Everything is fine. I was just thinking that we need to think about hiking until we find cell service and getting back to the real world.”
He pats the side of the bed and looks at me. “This is the real world, Maggie. This is our world. Get in bed with me and let me show you.”
“Oh, stop! You went for what? Four times? There’s no way you got the energy to do it this morning, too.”
“Technically, I went three. The fourth was just for you, baby, because we both know how much you like to smother me with that sweet pussy cream of yours.”
“Stop! I told you how much I hate that word,” I mutter, cringing.
“I know. That’s why I used it.”
“Not exactly the way to get laid again, Bry,” I mutter, trying to resist the lure of him. I need to keep my wits about me.
I pull away from him and find my clothes, quickly pulling them on. If I have my clothes on, it will be like a layer of protection from him.
“Maggie, come on. Don’t put your clothes on. We literally have nothing to do. Get in bed with me and after we enjoy a little horizontal action, we’ll tackle whatever has you upset.”
I stop and look at him, trying to summon up my anger, because that will help me against Bryant.
“I’m not upset. I have a life back in Mason. You have a life back in Mason. Our child is there, remember?”
“I’m not liable to forget our son, Maggie. He’s the reason I’m working so hard to bring you back.”
“I…You…”
“Shit, Maggie,” he mutters, scrubbing his hand over his face.
“Hold up. Let me get this right. You’re only here to get us back together because of our son?”
“That’s not what I meant, damn it. I just meant that if it wasn’t for Terry, you and I would have probably drifted apart from each other by now.”
“Not helping yourself, Matthews,” I snap, no longer needing to try and find my anger. It’s just there… bubbling over.
“Damn it, Maggie. What do you want me to say? If you and I hadn’t gotten buzzed and fucked in the back of my rental then Terry wouldn’t be here. You never would have looked twice at me. Eventually, I would have been forced to move on. I wouldn’t have had a choice. You would have seen to that. That’s just the facts, baby.”
