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“You’re just being nice.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You’re my best friend. That’s kind of your job.”
“No way. I’m serious. Totally. Dead. Serious. You’re a great person, and it’s clear that even after eight years and dating tons of super hot, probably rich, probably also very talented women, Kayden still didn’t find what he was looking for.”
“I think that’s a compliment. I think.”
“Duh! Yes, of course, it’s a compliment. None of those women—no matter what they had going for them—were you. That’s why he’s known as a serial dater. Because he was trying to find something that was impossible to find. You.”
“That’s crazy talk.”
“Is it? You practically wrecked the guy. Is it a wonder he couldn’t move on?”
“I didn’t wreck him!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
Sadie’s silent for a few seconds. A few seconds too long. The static practically crackles over the phone at the silence, though not really because phones these days are too new for that stuff, and the connection is good. She doesn’t sigh at me, but I feel like she’s heaving a big one now, one that goes on and on and on until I wonder how much more breath she could possibly have left to keep heaving a sigh like that.
“You didn’t even tell me what really happened,” Sadie says, breaking the crackly non-crackle. Her voice is quiet but not accusatory.
“I…you know what happened.”
“Not really. One day you were happy. As happy as ever. You were so in love with Kayden, and he was so in love with you. You told me like a thousand times that he was it. That you were both going to grow old together, and you didn’t really mind if he passed gas in front of you, but all of a sudden, bam! You couldn’t stand the guy, and you were so sure things weren’t going to work out. Then we graduated, you got a job, we both moved, and you never talked about it again. It’s very unlike you. You love going over the good times. And when you have a problem, you work it out until you figure it out. You’re not someone who runs away, so I never did understand that.”
“I didn’t run away! I took a good job, and I had to move for it.”
“But you applied for it, on the exact opposite end of the country. It felt a little like running away. The thing is, you left Kayden with a bunch of untied ends. I think you really did wreck him in a way, and I’m being totally serious about that. If he’s back, and you truly don’t want to give him another chance, I think he’s not going to be able to understand why until you explain everything. I know there must be something because nothing adds up still, even in hindsight. He’s probably still confused, and he needs closure. It’s up to you, but I’d say either get with him or make it clear why you can’t, in a way you both understand and can actually move on from for good.”
“Jeez.”
My ear aches from those words. My heart aches from them too, but I’d rather think about anything other than that. I called Sadie because I was going to confess about the taco incident. I had hoped we could come up with some other evil plan, laugh a lot, conspire a little, and move past what I could only call one hell of a one-off mistake. The taco mistake? The taco incident? I was sure we’d give it a name. Instead, the conversation got all serious, and suddenly, Sadie got all serious and made a ton of sense, giving me super good advice, not funny bad advice.
“I’m sorry,” Sadie whispers. “I just think you need someone to tell you what you don’t want to hear, but what needs to be said. I’m your best friend, and I think that person has to be me right now.”
“You’re just on Kayden’s side because I gave you that gift card to buy a new fridge, and you know it came from him, so technically, he bought you a brand new fridge.”
“No! Never. The fridge was just a bonus. I just feel…I don’t know. I think you need to do this for you just as much as you need to do it for Kayden. If you can, then I think he’d actually leave. Or you could move, and he wouldn’t follow. The guy’s been searching for something for eight years. If it wasn’t for you, then I think he was looking for the truth. I don’t think you owe it to him, but I do think you owe it to yourself. If I can run the risk of being extremely cheesy to say so.”
“What if I can’t?”
“Can’t what?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Sadie doesn’t push because she’s Sadie, and she knows when I’ve reached my limit. She also knows I need time to think, and two seconds here on the phone doesn’t count.
