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“It’s not like that,” I said.
“It’s always like that!” she said, and the tears came. “I’d wait for you all fucking day, Darren. All day! Running around after a little girl with a baby in my arms, holed up in that flat just waiting for you, looking forward to you coming home. Did you know that?”
“Stop,” I said.
“And then what? You’d come home. Tired and sore and pissed fucking off, sweaty and grubby and worked half to fucking death! You’d come home and you’d hardly even look at me! Just stare at the fucking TV like I wasn’t even there!”
“I was still new to it,” I said. “I had to get the hours in, Jo. What did you expect me to do? I was fucking knackered, Jo! I was exhausted!”
“Love me,” she said. “Love us. That’s all I expected from you.”
I felt a pain in my chest. An actual fucking pain. I did fucking love you. I did it fucking for you, all of it. Every poxy fucking shift. Every fucking hour of overtime. Every fucking thing.
“I was tired,” I said. “I didn’t think you were happy. You didn’t seem happy.”
“We weren’t happy,” she said. “Jesus, Darren, when you were an apprentice we had nothing but each other, nothing and a hundred poxy quid a week. We got a bit of money and I lost you. Don’t you see that? You weren’t there! I only wanted you! Not you when you were tired from working, not when you’d gone drinking with the others after work, not when you wanted a quick fuck after I’d just got Ruby off to sleep.”
“What’s the point in this?” I said. “We already know all this, Jo. We’ve already said it a thousand fucking times.”
Her voice broke as she said the words, and I felt it. I felt it all the way inside. “Because I still only want you! Because I still hope you’ll stay! Because I hope that one time, even now, even when you’re pissed off, you’ll grit your teeth and stand firm and see it out, with me!” She turned away from me. “I never wanted to do this on my own. But I did. I did do it on my own.” She turned back. “I make decisions all day every day about our girls, every single day, Darren. Yes, I should have told you about Tyler Dean. Yes, I should have told you about going to see Mrs Webber. Yes, I should have told you everything, before I even did anything, before I even thought about doing anything. But I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve got so used to doing everything for myself that I don’t even think about it anymore! That’s my bad, Darren! I’m sorry for it!”
Or maybe it’s because you think I’m a fucking loser who only knows how to fix cars and fight.
Fight and fuck.
“Jesus, Jo.”
“Go,” she said. “Just drive away.”
I put truck car in gear. “Say bye to the girls. Nanna too.”
She nodded, slammed the driver’s door shut.
I watched her walk up the path, saw Ruby’s face in the window, staring.
I fought the urge to cry like a fucking baby.
Shit.
I slapped the steering wheel, slammed my head against the headrest.
Shit.
A cold pint. A cold pint and mindless fucking banter.
But no. I didn’t want it. I’d never fucking wanted it.
I was out of the truck before Jodie had reached the door.
“Wait,” I said. “Jo, just wait a fucking minute.”
There was surprise in her eyes, so much surprise. It hurt to see how fucking surprised she was.
I lit up a cigarette as she stared at me. “I’m not going to the fucking pub,” I said. “I’ll just… I’ll stay here. If you’ll have me in.”
She brushed the tears from her cheeks, took a breath. “I’m cooking sausage and beans,” she said. “Do you want some?”
I smiled, breathed a sigh of fucking relief that lightened my fucking soul.
“Yeah,” I said. “Sausage and beans sounds really fucking good.”
I composed myself in the doorway.
He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave.
I smiled at Ruby and Nanna in the living room, but Ruby stared back horrified, eyes big and scared. Shit. The fucking window. It was open at the top. Bloody Nanna and her fresh air. I wondered what they’d heard.
“Alright, Jodie love?” Nanna said, and she was worried too, I could see it in her face.
Darren appeared behind me. “She’s alright, Nanna, aren’t you, Jo?”
I nodded. Smiled. “We’re good, Nanna. Darren’s staying for dinner.”
“Ohhh, that’s nice,” she said. “Sausages and beans, you like that, don’t you, Darren?”
“Everyone loves sausages and beans, Nanna,” he said. He smiled at Ruby. “You alright, Rubes? Nothing to worry about, don’t look so scared.”
She nodded. “You really staying for dinner, Dad?”
He took his jacket off, dumped it on the back of the armchair. He sat down, made himself comfortable, like he’d always been there. “Wouldn’t miss sausages and beans, Rubes. Not with you and Mia and Nanna.” He looked at me. “Or your mum. Wouldn’t turn down an invite like that for the world.”
