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I agreed with her.
“So what?” she asked. “What do we do now?”
“I’ve got no fucking idea,” I said.
“Last night was good,” she said. “Great,” she added.
I agreed with her.
“But… we can’t just… jump in… we have to be…”
“Sure,” I said. “We’d have to be sure.”
She nodded. “Really sure. One million percent sure. Forever sure.”
I already am.
“Sounds right,” I said. “For the girls.”
“For the girls.”
Please don’t make me go home.
I cleared my throat. “The sex, Jo. Is that what you want? The bang gang stuff? Is that still what you want?”
She sighed. “I don’t know, Darren. Christ, last night was amazing. The whole thing’s been amazing. But today was… tough.”
“Tell me about it,” I said.
You’re not the one who has to go home alone.
“Maybe we should play it by ear,” she said. “Just for a while. See where things go.”
“Righto,” I said.
“That’s what you want, too?”
No. I don’t want to play it by ear. I know what I want.
I shrugged. “Sounds fair, Jo. For the girls.”
She smiled. “For the girls, yeah. We’ll do that, then. We’ll play it by ear. Be careful. Until we’re sure.”
I nodded.
“I’d better get some sleep,” she said. “Monday mornings are always crazy.”
I wish I knew.
“Right,” I said. “I’ll be seeing you.”
I finished up my drink and put the mug on the table. I grabbed my jacket and fished the truck keys from my pocket.
She walked me to the door. “Goodnight, Darren.”
I smiled at her, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it back.
I’d never have got the words out.
I couldn’t sleep. Even though I was exhausted and emotionally frazzled and maybe even still a bit hungover, I couldn’t sleep.
I fired off a message to Tonya, and she was awake, too. She replied with a big smiley.
How did it go?
Great, I replied. Really great. I wanted to tell her I loved Darren Trent, that I’d always loved him, that I would love him until the day I died and I was sure of it, but the little niggle in my heart wouldn’t let me do it. I was too scared, too scared to put that out into the open.
Not with everything at stake.
Not with the girls breaking their hearts.
Not with the whole village booked in for a Bang Gang special.
Not with Stacey’s engagement ring still in his bedside drawer.
And?? she prompted.
I don’t know, I replied honestly. We’re playing it by ear, just for now.
I waited for the response. What the hell does that mean?
I didn’t know. I told her as much.
Shit, she replied. I think you two need to lock yourselves in a room for a week and fuck out the details.
It made me laugh. I’d be game for that.
But would I be? Would I really? Knowing he was dipping his wick in anyone who was paying for it?
Hell, half the women in the playground might be riding his cock all night for all I knew.
Could I live with that?
No. No I couldn’t. Not even if I wanted to. Not even if I thought I could at first, that kind of crap eats away at you, eats away at everything.
I’d never do that to the girls.
You want him, the next message said. He wants you. Jesus Christ, Jodie, you two are fucking crazy about each other, you’d have to be blind not to see that.
Maybe I was blind, because I wasn’t nearly so sure.
Not with his box of cash under his bed and another woman’s engagement ring in his bedside drawer.
I sighed, went to type out goodnight, but another message came through before I could. I hoped it was Darren, but of course it was Tonya.
Ladies who lunch tomorrow. You coming?
I typed yes on instinct, then thought about it. Deleted it.
No. I wasn’t going to ladies who lunch. If I was honest with myself I couldn’t stand Mandy Taylor’s smug face ever since she’d blabbed that she’d been fucking Darren. The thought of it made me feel sick. The thought of it made me feel like a jealous bitch, a crazy, the kind of woman who wanted to pull Mandy Taylor’s hair out and tell her to stay the hell away from my man, you skanky fucking hoe.
I’d never admitted to myself I’d felt like that before, but there it was, lurking beneath the surface, the undeniable vitriol.
No, I typed. I’ll give it a miss tomorrow.
Working? she asked.
No.
She sent a line of smileys that took up two rows, and it made me smile. She knew me so well.
Go get your man, she said. Fuck him senseless. Figure out the details later. You know you want to. xx
I put my phone on the nightstand and smiled to myself, daring myself to live, just a little. To be reckless, just a little.
A safe amount.
An amount of reckless that wouldn’t hurt anyone.
I picked up my phone for the last time before I went to sleep. One final message to Tonya.
