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He hadn’t spoken yet. I knew this was not because he didn’t have anything to say, but because he knew me well enough to know I wasn’t done.
Fuck, maybe he already knew what I was going to say. He’d done all that research on me, back when we were just starting out. And what he hadn’t found out, I’d told him. Everything. Except this. This secret that I’d held close to my chest, letting it rot, decompose and taint everything that lay inside of me.
“She tried to kill me,” I confessed to his intense eyes.
Jay’s face flickered with something, surprise maybe. Though I’d considered myself an expert on all things Jay, I didn’t trust myself anymore. Didn’t trust him anymore. I couldn’t read whether or not this news was shocking to him. Though I’d been young at the time, I remembered my dad covering for her, promising not to call the police as long as she got help. That was it. The last straw that I’d glossed over when I’d told Jay about my mother. I hadn’t even let myself think it. It was a prickly, dangerous memory that dragged me in to a dark place.
But this was my midnight man. He got me used to the darkness, made me less afraid of it.
“She was sick, really sick,” I continued. “My dad didn’t know how bad. Was working a lot, to support us. I don’t remember much about that time. But I do remember that we were home one day. It was a bad day. I’d learned that on bad days, it was best to stay away from Mom. Hide sometimes. I didn’t want to tell Dad because I knew he’d do something. Take her away. And my mom on good days was magic.”
I smiled, looking at memories of the ducks that used to be here. My mom laughing as we fed them, as they chased her around. “I didn’t tell him. It was our secret. Then one day she was really bad. My memory isn’t that good, dark around the edges. But it was about demons. She was convinced that they were inside me. She had to cut them out to protect me. My dad came home before anything could happen. But I’d never seen him madder. At himself, mostly. For not seeing how bad it had gotten. It haunted him for years, what could’ve happened. It haunted her, too, I know. Which was why she stayed away.”
I didn’t look at Jay.
My mom had been a ghost in my life after that. Not just because of the incident. Not just because of her illness. She’d managed it well for a number of years. Well enough to have her independence, a semblance of self. But it was the guilt that kept her from me, the same guilt that ate away at her, that caused her to stop taking her medication because she couldn’t stand the reality of what she’d almost done. I knew she pushed my father away. He’d wanted to reconcile, after everything, he was serious about vows of sickness and health. But my mother would not do it. Her intentions had been noble, to her, at least. She didn’t want to hurt me, hurt either of us.
I had never entirely forgiven her for that. I could understand her illness, I could forgive everything it had taken from her, from our family, and I didn’t blame her for any of it.
“I resented her,” I admitted. “For her cowardice. For not being brave enough to face reality with us. It doesn’t make sense, it may be ugly and cruel of me, but it’s the truth of it.”
Jay yanked me into his arms, and I went willingly, thankfully.
“Stella, you could never be ugly or cruel, even with your worst truth,” he kissed my head, his words comforting me.
With all of that out in the universe, I took a deep breath. A deep breath of Jay, the stale water and the decaying plant life mingling in with everything else.
“I’m ready now,” I declared, stepping out of his arms. “I’m ready to know why you didn’t tell me about her. Why she was in your house this entire time and you didn’t tell me. Why I ate her food, why she did my laundry.”
It seemed that my anger hadn’t dulled over this week, not a bit. If anything, it had been sharpened to a point, ready to do battle, cut anyone in the vicinity.
Jay’s face shut down, his jaw turning hard. He grasped onto my elbow to stop me from retreating too far. I didn’t want to be near him during this conversation, but I couldn’t stand him being far either.
“I don’t have an explanation that’s going to suffice,” Jay revealed, rubbing my arm with his thumb. “Which is why I kept it from you for so long.”
