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I blinked rapidly, tears filling my eyes at the power of his words. The worship in them. In Jay’s eyes.
“If you’ll still have me.” His voice was low, as close to a whisper as I’d ever heard. “I know I should’ve told you this before I put a ring on your finger. Should’ve given you the choice. But I’m a sinner, pet. I’ve told you that before. I didn’t give you a way out because I didn’t want you to have a way out.” His hand tightened around my neck with possession. With need.
A need of my own opened up at the bottom of my stomach.
“I don’t know if I can let you go if this is too much for you,” he continued.
That should’ve scared me. The intensity, the oath, the promise in his words. It didn’t. “I’m not going anywhere, Jay,” I promised on a rasp.
His eyes moved over my face slowly, as if he was searching for a sliver of indecision, the hint of a lie.
“I know you think I’m some kind of saint,” I shook my head, trying to communicate with not only my words but my eyes. Hoping he knew these words were coming from my heart. My soul. “I definitely don’t agree, but let’s say I am a saint, I’m telling you the truth. Saints don’t lie. I’m not going anywhere. I love you for exactly who you are, for all of your sins. Because right or wrong, they kept you alive, they kept you breathing.” My eyes watered. “They brought you to me.”
Now it finally clicked. It didn’t matter what Jay had told me, what he’d done.
Even if what he’d done was worse than what he told me—my imagination wasn’t that great, but I figured there was worse—it wouldn’t have changed a thing.
“I have to hide it, pet, my love for you. My dedication for you. The fact that you are inside me, that you own me. I have to hide that you’re my everything. Because the only reason I’ve been as successful as I have at my business, the only reason I’ve been able to hold on to power for so long is because I have nothing they can take from me. Nothing they can hurt me with.” He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, taking a long, deep inhale. It was at least a minute before he opened them and spoke again.
“They can hurt me with you, Stella,” he confessed. “And that scares the shit out of me.”
“No,” I protested, shaking my head. “They can’t. You won’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.”
I said this firmly, like it was something I could control. Like Jay’s dark, dangerous, deadly life was something I could control.
I’d learn soon enough that it wasn’t.
We were out for drinks.
Me, Wren, Zoe, Yasmin, Eric and Phillipe—Wren’s security detail. Wren suddenly had her own shadow now, despite her calling me at three in the morning a month ago saying that she and Karson had broken up over him trying to ‘put a man on her’ like Jay had with me. To quote Wren, “I got myself out of a Thai drug lord’s mansion on his own private island wearing nothing but a bikini, I think I can take care of myself with some Russians.”
When I’d told her that it was the Russian Mob more precisely, she’d made a dismissive sound and muttered about “details”.
Needless to say, Wren did not end up having a man on her nor did she end up breaking up with Karson. He had it bad for her. She had it bad for him but was still refusing to admit it was anything but hot sex. Which obviously meant Wren was in love with him. We all knew and were all madly happy about it. Even Zoe, despite knowing that he worked for Jay in the shadier side of his business. I hated that that pissed me off just a little, that Zoe was accepting of Karson and the danger he presented yet just tolerated Jay. Sure, she spoke to him. She even came over to our place for drinks, engaged with him and did her best to support me. But I knew Zoe had not let her guard down with him. Had not forgiven him for hurting me.
Which was why it made no sense for me to be jealous of the support that Zoe had for Wren’s relationship. Zoe wasn’t exactly worried about the ‘breaking the law’ part of Jay’s life, but more about the lack of hurt he had inflicted upon her friend.
Still, it irked me.
Then again, I had a lifetime for them to like each other.
Hopefully.
Jay was worried enough about my life to have a man on me, and Karson was obviously worried enough to go up against Wren—and win.
