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Goddamn it, I won’t go there, Nan swore, forcing herself to maintain the pelting spray aimed between her legs until the painful memory slipped away. A few moments later, she released her pent-up breath as her roiling stomach settled back down and the shivers ceased. Flipping off the water, she brushed her fingers across the newly exposed flesh, proud of herself for putting mind over matter as the dormant sensations of the past months tingled to life under her light touch. Still shy of what she used to feel, the pleasant shivers nevertheless gave her the small rush of pleasure and boost of courage she needed so much.
Baby steps, sis. Promise me you’ll take it slow when you return to your club. Jay’s words played through Nan’s head as she dried off and padded naked into her bedroom to search for something to wear. She knew she should go slow and had promised her brother she would. But frustration and a long-denied ache kept pushing her to get going, to hightail it out to the secluded, renovated barn and latch on to the first Dom who caught her eye before she changed her mind. Or the memories could change it for her.
As she flipped through the fetish clothes and lingerie she was so fond of, she knew she wouldn’t be wearing any of them. Nan hadn’t shied away from public exposure since her first few nights under Master Clayton’s tutelage, but she also hadn’t been naked in front of anyone since her rescuers had covered her bloodied, abused body upon her rescue. She couldn’t expose her scars until her friends knew about Gerard and she was prepared to answer questions. With longing, she recalled the illicit thrill of wearing the leather corsets that exposed her nipples and the thongs that drew eyes to her butt, the excitement of being stripped, or ordered to strip off a sexy teddy in front of others, of loving their eyes on her nudity.
Maybe not tonight, but she’d get all of that back, somehow, someway. Tonight would start the journey.
Nan settled on a short, snug white leather skirt and silky, sapphire tee. Goosebumps raced across her skin as the supple leather stretched over her buttocks left bare by a white thong and the soft silk caressed her braless nipples. After leaving on several lights, both inside and out, she slid behind the wheel of her sporty Nissan. Ignoring the steady rapid beat of her heart as she drove down the highway, she tightened her hands on the wheel and made the turn onto the narrow, unpaved road that led to The Barn.
By the time she parked in the tree-shrouded copse, her sweat-slicked hands were white-knuckled with her taut grip. She gazed with longing at the familiar structure, the wide double doors and the large, upper window with its faint yellow glow. She wanted to rush inside and see everyone again, to hear the sounds of play resonating and smell the pungent odor of leather mingling with sex so bad she could taste it. But still, she sat there.
Another car pulled in and Nan watched Master Brett open the door for his wife, Sue Ellen. The petite blonde leaned into her husband and there was no mistaking the look of yearning, excitement and contentment reflected on her face. He clasped her nape and kissed her, long and hard, his free hand sliding down to grip her left buttock.
The ache settling between Nan’s legs spread to her chest and propelled her out of the car to follow the couple inside. “Hey, you two. How are you?”
Master Brett smiled in welcome as he held open the door. “Nan, it’s good to see you back. We’re doing fine. You?”
“Happy to be home. Sue Ellen, I love the dress.” Nan eyed the slinky satin sheath held on by two, thin ties at the shoulders with envy.
“Thanks. Master Brett surprised me with it tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your open house today,” she said as they both slipped off their shoes and stowed them in cubicles under Master Brett’s watchful eye. “I promise I’ll come by this week.”
“I’ll look forward to it.” Nan’s throat closed up as Master Brett opened the door into the playroom and a lifestyle she craved to embrace again. She waved the couple off as she scanned the tables between her and the center-placed bar for her friends, praying for the sudden inner quaking of her body to cease.
As she stood rooted where she was, she didn’t understand the hesitancy and nerves assailing her. Unlike the BDSM mixer where she’d met Gerard, she knew these people. They were friends, both the men and women, some she’d known for decades, others since they’d become members. They weren’t strangers plotting to seduce, kidnap and traumatize her. They were people she cared about, and who cared for her, whom she could trust to be herself. They had nothing in common with the man she’d been foolish enough to fall for every lie and conniving suggestion out of his mouth.
Nan spotted Tamara and Sydney seated at the bar and when Tamara waved her over, she forced her leaden feet to move. Her gaze shifted up to the dimly lit loft, and the apparatus she favored being bound to the last time she was here. Longing and fear battled for supremacy inside her head as she wound through the tables and seating areas, pasting on a smile and returning greetings she hoped hid the turmoil raging inside her.
“I was starting to think you weren’t going to show tonight,” Tamara greeted her as Nan slid onto the stool next to her.
“Sorry, a few last-minute customers kept me late and then I had to get ready. Hey, Caden. Do you have a beer for me?” She found it easy to smile at Sydney’s husband, a local rancher who had grown up in Willow Springs the same as she but was years ahead of her in school. He still wore his Stetson, but she could make out enough of his rough-hewn face and blue eyes to see he hadn’t changed since their wedding.
“Damn, it’s good to see you again, Nan.” Reaching across the bar, he cupped the back of her head and drew her forward for a quick kiss. “We heard you were back,” he said after releasing her and grabbing a cold bottle from under the counter.
“I hadn’t planned on being away so long and I’ve missed you guys, and this place.”
“It wasn’t the same without you, Nan.” Sydney lifted her beer in a toast to her return.
Nan smiled down at her, noticing the nipple huggers adorning her breasts through the thin tank she wore. It was easy to conjure up the pleasure those clamps could wreak despite the length of time since she’d worn a pair and recalled how effective they were in making her tips throb and ache for more. “You look like you’ve gotten along fine without me but tell me. How many times did you get lost while I was gone?” Sydney’s poor sense of direction landed her on the club’s doorstep instead of at the Dunbar Ranch over a year ago, where she was due to report for her new job as their cook. She met her boss, Caden, only neither knew it at the time he confronted her spying in the window.
“Ha, ha. I’ve been finding my way around now for some time, as I told you the other day.”
Caden handed Nan a beer, smirking at his wife. “Didn’t I have to come find you just yesterday when you went riding with Tamara and got turned around coming back to our place?”
“I gave you explicit directions,” Tamara said, surprised. “How’d you manage to get turned around?”
Sydney shrugged, unconcerned. “I’m good at it. Besides, you didn’t say anything about that pond. That threw me off.” Shifting on the barstool, she groaned and glared at Caden. “Wasn’t the spanking enough? You had to use the plug, too?”
“That reminds me. As soon as Connor arrives, I need to remove it. But since you’ve been so good, I’ll make sure you enjoy it.”
Sydney sighed, her green eyes going soft as she watched her husband saunter down the bar to serve someone else.
“Quit looking like that, Syd. My Master isn’t here yet,” Tamara groused, but with a small smile curving her mouth.
Nan laughed, her initial tension easing the longer she sat there surrounded by friends. Good memories assailed her for a change as she listened to the teasing banter and sipped her beer as music, low conversations and laughter resonated around the room.
“Where is Connor?” she asked Tamara. “I’m surprised he’s not glued to your side.”
“He and Jason, you remember my foreman, went to an auction in Bozeman, so he’s running late. Amy and I spent the day shopping in Billings, looking for her dress. Oh, I forgot to tell you. My stepmother and Jason are getting married in a few weeks.”
