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I threw my hands out, shaking my head. “It’s all about what I wear and how my hair looks and how much weight I need to lose. Why do people think it’s OK to tear apart the way I look? Did you know there’s an entire thread on the baseball website dedicated to hating me? Not liking me, but hating me. What the hell did I even do to anyone?”
“What? Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asked. “I’ll have administration get that shit taken down right now! I will not have any threads about you on a baseball website. Unless it’s good stuff. ” He forced a small smile, his dimples barely showing.
“I’ve been called every name in the book. Whore, slut, gold digger, ugly, fat, bitch, cunt, tramp, cleat chaser… and I can’t fucking take it, Jack. I don’t know how anyone does. ”
“What are you saying, Kitten?” He took two steps toward me, and I instinctively stepped back.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. ” My heart battered against my chest as I denied the truth. I knew exactly what I was saying… I just apparently couldn’t form the actual words.
He started nervously pacing. In all honesty, my nerves even overwhelmed me in that moment. “Don’t do anything stupid, Cass. You know we’re no good without each other. ”
I nodded my head as more tears escaped. “I’m not sure we’re any good with each other either. ”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just upset. ” Jack’s voice shook as he shoved his hands into his front pockets. When I didn’t respond, he begged, “Don’t do this. Don’t you dare give up on us. ”
“I feel like I’m losing myself. ” I turned away, unable to bear the look in his eyes. “Being in this relationship with you is completely fucking with me,” I admitted, the tears falling down my cheeks without mercy. Guilt rushed through me as my words spilled out. I never intended to admit all of this to him during the baseball season. I wanted to be strong enough to get through it on my own, to talk to him when the season ended, but I couldn’t take any more. My insides had wound up so tight I thought they might shatter. Chrystle’s accusatory article was the last straw.
Jack stepped closer, his arms resting on my shoulders as he turned me toward him. “You don’t get to quit,” he said, reaching for my chin with shaky hands. “You don’t get to walk away from this. ”
I wanted to throw up. My feelings contorted inside of me, the conflict raging once again. Part of me wanted to bolt as quickly as I could from everything Jack Carter, while the rest of me wanted to tangle myself up in his arms and never let go.
“I need to figure out how to be with you and still keep my sanity. I feel like a crazed lunatic. Like I have absolutely no control over my life. I can’t keep living like this. ” I sobbed until my vision blurred.
He led me toward our couch, pulling me down with him as I cried into his chest. How had I become so twisted up and confused? I knew I loved Jack, but I wasn’t sure I could be with him like this any longer. I pulled away from his grip, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand as he returned to the view, as gorgeous as ever.
He cupped my cheek, moisture filling his dark eyes. “I don’t want to be here without you. We can fix this. But we can’t fix it if you walk away. I can’t make us work by myself. ”
“I just need to find some sort of balance. Between your work and my work and all the pressure that comes along with it—” I stopped as I tried to gather my thoughts. “It’s just t
oo much. I need to get myself together. I’m falling apart here. ”
He leaned his head into his hands, his fingers tugging at his dark hair. I watched his chest rise and fall, his head shaking before he turned to look at me. “Fine,” he started with a ragged breath. “Get yourself together, then. But don’t you fucking quit on me. After everything we’ve been through, please don’t let this break us. ”
Tears ran down my cheeks with his words. I loved Jack, but this was about me. Loving Jack put my own self-worth at risk. A girl could only take so much bashing and criticism from so many fronts until her self-esteem started to take a nosedive. And that wasn’t healthy for either of us.
“I’m going to take a few days off from work and go stay with Melissa. ” The words flew from my lips effortlessly. I hadn’t even talked to Melissa, but I knew she would welcome me.
He lowered his head, the look of defeat replacing any hope he once had. “OK, Kitten. You go. ”
I nodded, reaching for my cell phone and dialing Matteo’s number. “Hi, Matteo, it’s Cassie. Can you get me to JFK as soon as possible, or are you busy?”
Matteo asked me to hold for a moment while he rearranged his schedule with another driver. I waited, avoiding all eye contact with Jack. Matteo came back on the line, informing me that he’d pick me up in twenty minutes and he’d call me when he was downstairs. I thanked him before I ended the call and turned the ringer back on.
Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to pack.
I sensed Jack watching me from the doorway of the bedroom we shared as I tossed pieces of clothing into my open suitcase. Deliberately, I forced myself not to look at him. He could take the broken parts of me and shatter them even further. If I looked at him, I’d question everything. He could make me stay, and I desperately needed to go. After adding two more pairs of shoes, I zipped up the suitcase and lifted it from the bed.
“Let me help you,” he offered from behind me, his breath gliding across my back.
“It’s fine. I have it,” I said tightly, refusing to face him.
“How long will you be gone?” he asked, his tone desolate.
I shrugged, unsure of my actual plans. “I don’t know. A few days. A week, maybe. I’ll text you,” I offered with a glance in his direction.
Jack’s face turned sullen as the color drained instantly from his cheeks. He reached for me, his fingers tightening around my wrist, stopping all forward movement. “You are coming back. Right, Kitten?” A look of powerlessness covered his face.
My stomach dropped to my feet with his question. I took a few short breaths before responding, “Yes, Jack. I’m coming back. ”
