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“Shhh. Please. Just wait here for a minute,” I begged. Leaning over and placing my head against my cast, I closed my eyes and silently berated myself. Cassie didn’t move and I didn’t either, afraid that if I disturbed the emotional dust settling around us, I’d mess it all up again.
I sat there a good ten minutes without moving a muscle. When I finally sat up and opened my eyes, tears began to spill down my cheeks.
“Oh God, Kitten. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please, please don’t leave me. ”
“Leave you?” Her eyebrows flew up and her eyes grew wide, as if she had no idea what I was talking about.
“I fucked up. I’m just so scared for what all this means, you know?” I held my cast-covered arm in the air and she nodded. “I’m not ready to lose baseball. I’m not ready for my career to be over. And I’ve taken it all out on you. ”
She started to cry. No words came, just tears, so I went on. “I know you probably hate me. Or you’re mad at me. And I deserve it. But please know how sorry I am. I’ll never treat you like this again, I promise. ”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
I shifted over, closing the space between us, and pulled her body against mine. “I’ll never treat you like this again,” I said against her hair as she trembled in my arms. “I am so sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’m scared. Terrified I’ll never be able to throw again. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to lose baseball. But I’ll never be ready to lose you. ”
Cassie pulled back slightly so she could look up at me. “Jack,” she said softly as I wiped the tears from her face. “Why are you so convinced your career’s over?”
I paused, my mind instantly thinking about my parents both choosing to abandon me and D
ean at different times. The helpless feeling started to sweep over me again, filling me with dread. It amazed me how after all these years, one simple past action could send me into a tailspin. “I don’t know. Because I love baseball so much and I want it so badly, I’m afraid it will be taken from me. Like I don’t deserve to have the things that I love. ”
“You have me,” she said softly as she pinned me with her gaze.
“But I lost you. I had to get you back. Nothing comes easy. I fuck things up. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up baseball too. ”
Her face scrunched up and she shouted, “Stop it!” which surprised me. “Just stop it. I hate this side of you. It’s like you’re quitting and that’s not the Jack I know. Stop being so complacent. Be a fucking man. Be the man I know and love. ”
I nodded, her words striking me square in the chest. I wanted to yell at her for being so harsh, but she was right and I needed to hear it. “You’re right. I’m filled with self-pity and it’s a joke. That’s why I don’t give a fuck if baseball tries to quit on me, I’m not going to let it. ”
The corners of her mouth started to tilt upward with my confession. “That’s what I like to hear. ”
“Baby, I am really sorry. I can never take back the way I acted, but I can promise you I’ll never do it again. ” I fell to my knees. “I know all I do is apologize to you for fucking up, but please, Kitten. I need you by my side. I’ll always need you by my side. Say you forgive me. Please. ”
I waited. Waited for her to say she forgave me. Waited for her to say she loved me and she’d never leave me. I’d wait forever to hear those words if she wanted me to. She lowered herself to the floor next to me and took my face in the palm of her hands. God, her hands were soft.
Her green eyes stared through me, intense and ferocious as she spoke. “I’m your wife. I vowed in front of our friends and family that I would love you until I died. And I plan on doing just that, but please,” she paused, “stop making it so hard for me. ” Her lips found mine and my chest instantly eased with relief.
“I love you. I fucking love you. ” My tongue explored the inside of her mouth and I wanted to bury myself in her. “I need you. Now. ”
“Jack, we have guests. ”
“They aren’t guests. They can wait. I need to be inside you. You’re my home. I need to be home right now. ”
Cassie hesitated and pulled away slightly. “Don’t do it like last time. ” She looked down as I struggled to remember what she was talking about.
Then I remembered. I was rough with her the night I got hurt, and that was the last time we’d been together. “Oh shit, Cassie. Did I hurt you?” Her head shook slowly back and forth, her eyes still focused on the floor. “I did, didn’t I? I fucking hurt you, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said slowly.
“Then what? What did I do? I know I was rough and I’m sorry. I’ll never forgive myself if you’re not okay. ” I couldn’t believe this. It was one fuck-up after another with me. How could I be so stupid all the time?
She looked up, her eyes meeting mine. “You scared me a little. Not a lot. But still. ”
I leaned my head into my hand and wiped at my eyes. “I’m so sorry. Kitten, please. I needed to feel like a man because I felt so useless on the ball field. I wanted to dominate something, but I didn’t even think about how it would make you feel. I just wanted to make myself feel better. ‘Cause I’m a selfish prick. ”
“I just need a little time, okay? I love you and we’ll be fine, but I need us to go slow right now,” she suggested and my dick ached.
“Absolutely. We’ll go at your pace. Whatever you want. I’ll do whatever you want. ” I pulled her against me and hugged her tight. She probably couldn’t breathe, but I needed her to be that close to me.
