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“I love you too,” I responded as he put a hand up to stop me.
“The moment I looked at our son,” he said with anguish, “something inside me snapped. Like a light switch turned on or something and filled my heart up completely. It’s a kind of love I don’t know how to describe. See, Kitten, I love you with everything that I am, but it’s like I love him with who I am. Does that make any sense?” He started to fidget and gripped at his hair.
Smiling, I nodded. “I get it completely, because I feel exactly the same way. I love you both so much, but it’s not the same kind of love. The difference is that I choose to love you, but loving our son isn’t a choice. It simply … is. ”
“Exactly. That’s exactly it,” he breathed out, but continued to fidget. Something was hurting him and it killed me to see him in any kind of pain. We were supposed to be celebrating, consumed by happiness, but something was wrong.
“Jack?”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if fighting off personal demons. When his eyes opened, another tear fell. This time he didn’t move to wipe it off. I watched as it traveled the length of his cheek and passed his jawline before falling from his face completely.
Finally, he said, “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I mean, one look at our son was all it took for me to feel completely consumed by love for him. The need to protect him, fight for him, kill for him, it filled me up the moment he took his first breath. ”
I watched as he talked, not sure the direction his thoughts were taking him. Before I could form a coherent thought, he went on.
“But not once have I thought about leaving him. Or walking away. And I just don’t understand how not one of my parents, but both of them, could see me and my brother, have these feelings for us, and then leave us alone. I’d rather die than leave him. Or you. Ever. ”
My heart broke in that moment for my man. Always so strong and determined, it was times like this when Jack’s hidden vulnerability shone through and we both realized how battered his soul truly was. “Babe, I don’t know what to say. Maybe they left because they loved you guys too much?”
He shook his head violently. “No! My dad left and never came back. He didn’t even say good-bye; he just left. And my mother specifically told me it was because we were bad. She made sure I knew damn well why she was choosing to leave. The two of us were so bad, she couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not love. ”
“Maybe she was the bad one?” I ventured. “Maybe she thought once you boys got old enough, you’d see that she wasn’t worth loving? I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know why people do the fucked-up things they do. But I will tell you this—your parents leaving might have been the best thing in the world for you and Dean. ”
He huffed out a disgusted sound and I continued. “Just hear me out. When they left, you got to be raised by two of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. And I know right now, in this beautiful moment, you can’t ever imagine feeling anything other than absolute love for our son, but there will probably come the time when you’ll want to kill him. ”
Jack shot me a glare and I laughed. “Not literally, but I’m sure he’ll be a pain in the ass at some point and it probably won’t be very much fun. ”
“But I’d still never want to leave,” he insisted. “No matter how bad he is, I’d never give up like that. I’d never fucking walk away. Not from either of you. ” His head lowered as he stared at the floor.
“Baby, I know that. And that’s why you’re going to be such a good dad. He’s lucky to have you as his father. ”
“I don’t understand how anyone can just leave. How do you walk away from this feeling and not have guilt consume you piece by piece?” He laid his head on my stomach, his tears wetting the thin sheet between us.
“I don’t either. ” I reached for him, twisting my fingers through his dark hair, and tried to comfort him.
“I’ll never do that to you. To either of you. I promise,” he said fiercely, his breath hot on my stomach.
Stroking his hair, I said, “I know that. I believe you. I wouldn’t have married you if I thought you would ever leave. ”
He turned his head to glance up at me. “You have a lot of faith, Kitten. ”
“No. I know my man. And I love and trust him. He’s nothing like his parents. He’s not built to leave. ”
“I like that. Not built to leave. Except when I left you before. I left you before. ” His hands covered his face as his past ate away at his happiness.
I wanted to stop him from reliving all of the nightmares. Especially about Chrystle and the things we’d already gone through. In my opinion, those things were dead and buried and held no meaning anymore.
“Jack,” I said sternly, “that was a different time and place. You were doing the right thing. Even then, you were trying to do the right thing. None of that matters now. ”
“I promise I’ll never leave you again. I promise. ”
“I know. Okay? I know. ” I patted his head, longing to bring him peace.
“Except for work,” he said, his words muffled against my stomach. “Shit. I’ll be gone all the fucking time for baseball. ”
I sucked in a long breath. “I know that too. I knew that when I chose to marry you as well. Stop worrying about all these things, Jack. We’ll make it through. ”
Jack lifted his head, pinning me with a resolute gaze. “I don’t ever want to let either of you down. ”
