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“Oh, right. It tells me to just end things. Tell her that I don’t want to be together anymore, or that I think we should break up. That I’m not happy, and I’m sure she isn’t either. And I sit there yelling at myself to just say it out loud already, but I never do. It’s like I can’t get the words to actually leave my mouth.” I closed my eyes, willing the frustration and emotions battering me to grant me a reprieve for one second.
“Frank, it’s not in your nature to hurt people. You’ve got more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known. Remember when guys tried to step on your back to get ahead in baseball? You never acted like that. You always worked hard for the things you wanted, and you never took shortcuts. You’ve always been a stand-up guy in every aspect of your life. That’s why this is so hard for you. Because it’s making you feel less than stand-up. It’s making you feel small and like you’re in the wrong.”
Ryan placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. “But there’s nothing wrong with moving on. If you don’t want to be with Shelby anymore, that doesn’t make you a bad guy. I can tell you that a thousand times, but none of it’ll matter unless you believe it yourself. You gotta cut yourself some slack, brother. I mean that.”
He was right. Those were three words I’d never wanted to say out loud because I was certain Ryan would never let me live them down, but he was right.
“It helps hearing you say it. I’ve been beating myself up for years, but when you tell me I’m not a bad person, it makes me want to believe it.”
“You’re not a bad person. But I do think you’ll hate yourself if you cross the line with Claudia while you’re still with Shelby.”
“I definitely would.” I nodded. “But I can’t stay away from her.” Admitting that should have made me feel worse than it did.
“Like I said, I think there’s a reason for all of it. If there was no Claudia tempting you, you’d still be content to stay miserable and live in your little duty-filled world. It’s probably time to make a change in your life, and this is the only way to get you to really see it.”
Sometimes I wondered how and when my brother got so damned enlightened. It was a highly spiritual concept, one I’d studied for a bit when I went through my post-baseball who-am-I-now phase. But what Ryan said made sense to me. It resonated.
“Thanks again. I really do appreciate you being here for me, and not judging.”
“You’d do the same for me,” he said with a stupid grin that made me want to hit him. Ryan had that effect on people.
I needed to figure my life out, and I needed to do it without bringing Claudia into the mix. The problem was that whenever I started to think about her, she was all I saw. My dying relationship had absolutely nothing to do with her, but it suddenly felt like she was the reason for everything.
Confused
Claudia
It wasn’t that I dreaded walking through the front door and filling Britney in, but I felt almost embarrassed at the way my night had ended with Frank. Embarrassed wasn’t really the right word. I was confused. Sucking in a deep breath, I steadied myself for the barrage of questions sure to come as I opened the door.
Britney sat on the couch, pretending she wasn’t waiting up for me, but we both knew exactly what she was doing. She clicked a button on the remote, and the TV fell silent as a wide grin appeared on her face. As she patted a spot on the couch next to her, her smile never faltered.
“Tell me everything. I’ve been dying all night. I half wondered if you’d even come home.”
I laughed. “You wouldn’t even think something like that if you had seen the way we said good-bye.”
She squinted at me, obviously unsure what I meant. “What are you talking about? Wait, was the night bad?”
I snuggled into the couch, pulling my legs underneath me. “No. It was amazing. At least, I thought it was.”
“But?” Britney waved a hand for to continue, like I was telling this story far too slowly.
“I don’t know. He was weird when I left.”
“Weird how? Did he kiss you? Oh, please tell me that one of us has been kissed by a Fisher brother.” She fluttered her eyelashes and held a hand to her heart, practically swooning at the thought.
“Nope.”
“No?” she squeaked out, her eyes wide.
“No,” I said again.
“Wait. Before the good-bye, you guys were having a good time? Do you feel a connection with him?”
I nodded my head furiously. “There’s definitely something there. I’m so attracted to him, but it’s more than that, you know?”
She sighed out loud, her tone almost dreamlike as she said, “I wish I did.”
Her reaction made me laugh. “What are you talking about?”
