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“All right. But I really need to go get Matson.”
Ryan’s lips met mine. “Go get your boy, and text me when you get home. Thanks again for dinner.” He turned and opened his car door, and when he was in the driver’s seat, his image all but disappeared behind the cracked glass.
“Can you even see?” I called out, and he gave me a thumbs-up.
I got into my own car, anxious to get my son and torn about whether to tell my parents everything. On the quick drive over, I decided that I wouldn’t tell them yet. The fewer people who worried about me, the less guilty I’d feel.
When I imagined telling my mom, I could see exactly how she
’d react. She’d go out of her mind with worry, constantly calling me, checking in nonstop, stopping by the house unannounced, demanding that I spend more time at her house than usual.
It might sound stupid, but I didn’t want to live my life like that, under the parental microscope again like a teenager, and feeling like I had no say. I also didn’t want to give Derek that kind of control over me, the power to change my life and how I lived it, so I decided to keep his actions to myself.
Now that Ryan was in the picture, I prayed that things wouldn’t get out of hand.
I should have known that Ryan would be the match that started the fire in this scenario instead of the water that extinguished it. I should have known that adding him to the mix was like slipping a bullet into an otherwise empty chamber.
I should have known.
But I didn’t.
Unwanted Guest
Sofia
The next couple of weeks were quiet on the Derek front. When I didn’t see him again for a while, my nerves settled down, even though both my gut instincts and Ryan warned me otherwise. “Don’t get too comfortable,” he kept saying, as if he knew something I didn’t.
Unfortunately, Ryan and I hadn’t been able to see each other due to my request that we hold off for a while, and our conflicting work schedules didn’t help. Before I knew it, the self-imposed break I’d only intended to last a few days had somehow stretched to thirteen.
Ryan respected my wishes, only asking me to lunch four times during the first week. It didn’t take long before he realized that I wasn’t trying to push him away, I was just genuinely worried about my son.
Matson was having issues with his schoolwork, especially math. He hadn’t been turning in his homework, and he’d failed his last two tests. I kept trying to help him with his homework, but I was completely lost. The new math my son was being taught at school wasn’t at all like the math I’d learned, and I ended up confusing him even more rather than helping him.
When he broke out into tears of frustration, I FaceTimed with Sarin, who was a self-proclaimed math wizard. She ended up helping him understand the concepts in less time than I’d taken all week.
I assumed that Matson was affected negatively by my blossoming relationship with Ryan, so I pulled back, telling him that I couldn’t see him again until I had Matson on track again. Being in a relationship was new to me, and I strived for balance, trying to be sure Matson wasn’t being left out or neglected.
But no matter what I did, I felt like a crappy mom. I tried to give my son my undivided attention, but pushing a man like Ryan Fisher out of your head proved to be difficult. I daydreamed about him when I should have been working. I fantasized about his naked body when I should have been reading bedtime stories. Ryan burrowed his way into my heart before I even realized it was happening.
And if I was being honest with myself, I think it started long before I’d ever agreed to go on a date with him. I could almost pinpoint the exact moment in the hospital when my facade had started to crack. I lied to myself back then about my interest in Ryan, but I wasn’t lying to myself anymore.
Even Matson noticed my change of heart, saying I had a silly look on my face whenever Ryan called or texted. He would point and giggle and tell me I was in looooove the way only kids could say it, making me feel like I was ten years old and on the playground again. I knew the dopey smile I wore, could feel it spread across my face, but I couldn’t stop it. No matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t go away. So I accepted the teasing from my kid and reminded him that one day he’d like a girl and would get the same look on his face.
“Gross.” Matson did an exaggerated full-body shudder. “I’ll only ever like you, Mama,” he said, going back to his homework. I laughed.
During those thirteen days, Ryan and I talked on the phone every night, and our relationship grew in ways I hadn’t expected. When you removed the physical aspects and depended solely on oral and written communication, things seemed to happen on a completely different level.
It wasn’t something that I was used to, not that I was used to much of anything in the relationship department, to be honest, but this was different. We compared the last two weeks to what we assumed being in a long-distance relationship must be like, never seeing each other in person and only communicating through devices.
I hated to admit that I enjoyed it, because I really liked looking at Ryan, but there was something special about getting to know each other better in this way. Emotions took over and everything else fell to the wayside, because that was the only place for it to go. We talked about our days, our families, our hopes, our pasts, and he ended each call asking when he could see me again. And I had given him the same answer of I don’t know each time until tonight.
“I was thinking this weekend might work. But Matson would have to be with us,” I said, knowing full well Ryan wouldn’t object. I’d talked to Matson earlier about spending time with Ryan, and he had pumped his fist in the air like he’d won some kind of award.
“Really? This weekend? Thank God, angel. I was about to go insane if you kept me from you any longer.”
“Did you hear me about Matson coming along?” I asked.
“Of course I heard you. I’m excited. That just makes it better.”
