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“That’s not true. You bring so much joy to my life. You and Matson both,” Ryan said, his words aiming straight for my heart and hitting their mark.
“I’ll be back, Ryan. I promise I’ll be back for you.” I swallowed my emotions and wiped at my falling tears.
“You know I’d never let you stay away,” he said, but I could hear the smile in his voice.
I moved to end the call, but pressed the phone back to my ear instead. “One more thing.”
“I’m listening.”
“You can’t contact me. You can’t come over or call or show up somewhere, okay?” I needed him to agree to this because I knew that Derek would be watching. “I need you to promise me. It’s important.”
“How will he know if I do?”
“Derek thinks his dad is having me followed, so he’d know if we saw each other. And knowing him, he probably has access to my cell phone logs, so he’d know if we talked.”
“So I really do need to disappear?” Ryan’s voice cracked, a lot like my heart was doing right now.
“For now, yes. I can’t lose Matson. That would kill me.”
“Literally breaking my heart here, angel, but you know I’d never do anything to mess up your custody with Matson. I wouldn’t fucking allow it to happen either. I need you to know I’d do everything in my power to stop him from taking your son. Derek’s dad might be powerful, but my dad is too.” He paused before adding, “In his own way.”
Ryan’s words were a reminder that I knew very little about his parents or what they did. But that part of getting to know each other would have to wait.
“I can’t even think about that right now. But thank you. And please know how much I hate all of this. I promise it won’t be for forever, and I’ll make it up to you.”
“You and Matson coming back is all the making up I need. Just make sure you do that,” he said, and it sounded like he was fighting off tears. I prayed that he didn’t cry, because if Ryan broke down on me now, I’d never recover.
“’Bye, Ryan.” I pressed End before he could say anything else.
Everything that needed to be said had been, and if I stayed on the line with him any longer, I couldn’t trust myself not to take it all back and beg for his forgiveness. I’d promised him that we’d work through this and fight Derek together, but I knew that we couldn’t. At least, not yet.
So I told him good-bye and left the pieces of my heart dangling somewhere between his house and mine. And I prayed to God that Ryan would know they were there so he could pick them up and keep them safe. I’d been so difficult with him for so long, and now that I was ready to be with him, we were being torn apart. It wasn’t fair.
But then again, life so rarely was.
Deadly Desperation
Sofia
Over three weeks had passed, and Ryan had made good on the promise I’d forced him to make. He remained quiet, leaving me alone.
Even though I knew he was only doing what I’d asked of him, it hurt that he could. Every day, it killed me to not reach out to him in some way, but the potential consequences stopped me cold.
It had shocked me at first how quickly I’d gotten used to Ryan being a part of my life. And how his being gone was what now felt wrong, instead of the opposite. His absence had a presence; his silence, a heartbeat.
I hated that he listened to my pleas to stay away, but I loved that he stayed true to his word.
My heart was a constant contradiction, beating out pained thumps inside my chest, feeding me lies and questions that only inflicted more hurt.
Maybe he’s forgotten about us, it thumped.
We told him to disappear, it beat back.
He’s glad we’re gone, it pounded.
We told him to leave, it drummed against my rib cage.
This continued day after day, until the only peace I found was while I slept.
