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Her eyes, red-rimmed from the crying and a startling blue, stared back in accusation. Coward.
Sofia shook her head against her inner voice. No, she mentally replied. Broken-hearted.
She reached for the thick towelling robe and cinched it tight around her waist. All she wanted to do was go back to bed and pretend that the world didn’t exist. She could have another day, surely. Because ten years ago, she hadn’t been allowed even a minute, leaving the school and being thrust immediately into hours of lessons, measured, poked and prodded into the right dresses, as she kissed goodbye that moment out of time she’d had with Theo, kissed goodbye the young woman who had found fun and enjoyment and...love.
And four years ago, when Antoine had died, the world’s press had documented her tearless grief—the loss of a man so precious to her... And for a moment she hated Theo. Hated him for showing her the truth of her relationship with Antoine—her friendship. Yes, she had loved him, but his loss had not had this devastating effect on her and somehow it made her feel as if she were betraying both men all over again.
Re-entering the suite of her rooms, she stifled a cry of shock with the back of her hand when she saw her mother standing beside the large window, looking out at the view. Shock turned into fear with lightning speed.
‘Father, is he—?’
‘He is fine, Sofia. He is not the one I’m worried about right now.’
Sofia’s emotions seesawed, and guilt stirred in her breast. Was she so starved of love that her mother’s concern—the simple fact that Sofia was being put first—made something shift in her heart? Guilt, hurt and love all mixed together in the headiest of potions, and for the first time that Sofia could remember in years she ran to her mother’s arms and cried.
After what felt like hours, her mother released her and led her to the window seat.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘One of the staff was concerned when you refused to eat anything yesterday.’
Sofia wanted to hide, wanted to stay wrapped in her mother’s arms, but knew that she could not. Slowly, haltingly, the words tumbled out. Of what had happened to Theo since she had left that night, of how he had orchestrated their engagement, but her words grew stronger as Sofia told her mother of how they had talked of the past, of the secrets she had entrusted to him, of the love she felt for him, and finally what had happened the night of the gala.
Her mother was quiet for a long while.
‘Did you... Is it that you thought you couldn’t have both?’
‘After I left the boarding school, everything became about doing what was right for Iondorra and...’
‘You didn’t feel that you could have something for yourself?’
‘I didn’t know how to have both,’ Sofia replied helplessly. ‘It had, has, always been him. And I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do what...’
‘What was done to you.’
Sofia could hear the hurt in her mother’s voice, the sheen of tears in the older woman’s eyes almost too much to bear. She knew her words would hurt her mother. Knew that her mother would understand in an instant, that they had moved away from talking of Theo, and towards herself.
‘Oh, my love,’ her mother said, shaking her head. ‘I’m so sorry that you felt that way. I... We...’ Her words were interrupted by the shaking of her mother’s head as she struggled to find the words that Sofia half feared. ‘We never wanted you to feel that way. We love you dearly. And I am truly sorry that you ever felt as if you had no choice about your role.’
‘I had to change so much about who I was, Mama. So much. But being with Theo again reminded me of who I once had been. And I missed that. I missed who I was.’
‘And he helps you find that person you once were?’
‘But it doesn’t matter,’ Sofia said, shrugging helplessly. ‘His actions would have hurt Iondorra.’
‘But they didn’t, my love. And I am so happy that he brought something of you back to you. Because I have seen that smile...the one I thought lost ten years ago. I have seen what you are with him, the night of your engagement, and what you could be, in my heart’s greatest hope.’
Her mother drew her into her arms again and this time Sofia let go. Let go her fears, her resentments, the part of her she thought lost, found and lost again.
‘Sofia, the crown, the country, it is important. But it is not worth the sacrifice of your heart. Theo,’ she sighed, a small smile curving at the corner of her mouth, ‘is clearly a man who made certain choices, and although that was his plan, did you believe him when he said he no longer wanted to abandon you? Did you believe the love he said to feel for you?’
‘I don’t know if I can trust him, Mama.’
‘Trust him with what?’
Sofia frowned, unsure of what her mother was getting at. Seeing her daughter’s confusion, she pressed on. ‘Trust him not to make mistakes? Sweetheart, we all make mistakes, all the time. Just look at me and your father. Do you trust him to love you and be there for you? Do you trust him with your heart?’
‘But how can I trust him with Iondorra?’
