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“I’m not going anywhere.”
She relaxes, shifting closer until her head is on my chest, her bandaged arm resting on my stomach. It’s like a switch has flipped, and she’s finally here with me. I’m grateful, but I hate the idea that she had to try and kill herself before she got here.
I’ve failed her, but I will never let her down again.
46
Anna
I groan and roll over onto my side, blinking my eyes open. I instantly recoil against the bright light. My head is pounding, and it feels like everything is spinning around me. Damn that doctor and his stupid drugs. My arm throbs beneath the layer of bandages, the skin pulling uncomfortably tight with every move.
“Avecita.” That deep rough voice whispers over my senses, and I relax instantly. My heart lets out a single staggered beat as the scent of cigar smoke and citrus engulfs me. Rafael sits on the edge of the bed, already dressed. As he looks at me, I remember all the times I pictured his face when I was locked in that room. My memories never did him justice. But he kept me from the brink, from tipping over the edge into total desolation.
“How do you feel?”
“I’m okay,” I say quietly.
His eyes narrow. “You slit your wrist. You are not okay.”
I glance down at my bandaged wrist. “I cut my arm. And it was necessary.”
“Necessary for what?” His voice rises slightly, and I can see him fighting back the anger. It’s what Rafael does—when he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions, he gets mad.
“To retreat inside myself. It’s…a survival mechanism.” I try my best to explain it. “But this time, I couldn’t get out.”
He drops his chin to his chest and releases a heavy breath. “I thought I’d lost you.”
I reach out and thread my fingers through his.
“You tried to kill yourself, Anna.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed something physical.”
“You nearly died.” He pulls away from me and stands, pacing across the room. “Do you understand that? You nearly died.”
I smile sadly. “But I wasn’t living anyway, was I?”
He rounds the bed, coming to sit next to me. “Avecita, I love you…but I don’t think…” He hesitates and takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I can help you. I’m not what you need.”
My heart rate rises fast. “What?” I grab his arm so hard I can feel my nails bending against his skin, but I don’t care.
He cups my cheek. “There are places. People who can help you.”
Panic creeps up on me until my lungs feel as though they’re shrinking. He wants to send me away. After I fought so hard to get back to him. “No. Please don’t.” My breaths get shorter—my chest squeezing until I’m suffocating.
“Anna. Fuck. Breathe.” He strokes over my face, whispering sweet words in my ear. Tears stream down my face and my fragile heart lets out a pitiful cough.
“Please don’t leave me,” I beg. Of course he wants to leave you. You fucked all those men. You’re unclean. The pain I wanted so badly to feel, consumes me until I feel like I’m standing in flames, feeling the heat lick over my skin. “Please don’t.”
“Shit.” He pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arms around my body. “I don’t know how to fix this, little warrior.”
“I understand if you…don’t want me anymore.”
He grabs my face in both hands, staring into my eyes. My pain is mirrored there in his dark irises. “I will always want you, but you need help.”
I shake my head. “I just need you.”
“You need to deal with what they did to you—”
“Stop.” I don’t want to think about them, or anything. He’s the only thing keeping the barrage of vile emotions at bay, and I can feel them right there, hovering, just waiting to burn me. I just need to feel nothing but this for a little while longer.
Sliding my hand around the back of his neck, I pull him closer and press my lips over his desperately. He’s hesitant and careful, not like he usually is. I crawl closer to him, threading my fingers through his hair and demanding more. A feral need washes over me. I need him to right all the wrongs. I know he can cleanse me.
He groans when I straddle his lap, his fingers gripping my waist. “Anna,” he breathes against my mouth.
Taking my shoulders, he pushes me back until his gaze meets mine. He swipes both thumbs beneath my eyes, wiping away tears. As I stare into those dark eyes, something skitters in my chest, like birds taking flight all at once, wings beating frantically. I lean forward and kiss him again. His hands slide along my jaw as his lips move over mine gently. Hard and yet soft, that’s what Rafael is. He tastes like sunshine and exotic flowers, and the wildness of the desert. He feels like home. I have no real home, but I think he’s it.
