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I turn the shower on, allowing the sound of the cascading water to drown out my sobs. It hurts. So much. But I’ve survived far worse than this. I try to remember the girl I was before him, the hard, broken girl with no hope. She was miserable and fractured, but her heart was her own, and that made her untouchable. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I focus on that feeling, the pain, the rejection…and I shove it down deep. I reach for that part of myself, that numb absence, the complete lack of feeling. It’s harder than I thought it would be without some form of abuse to induce it. Why abandon me now though, when I’m in the most pain? Closing my eyes, I do something I rarely do; I recall my past. Every horrible act, every disgusting man. That cold indifference falls over my mind like a blanket: protective and comforting, and I cling to it.
Rafael just closed his palm around the fragile little ember of my heart. He snuffed me out, and now I’m left with nothing but the cold and the dark.
Una is waiting by the front door when I walk down the stairs. Her eyes flick over my face, her brows pulling together.
“Where’s Rafael?” she asks.
Pain lances through my chest, threatening my impenetrable bubble. “I don’t know.” I walk past her and open the front door.
“Anna!” I glance over my shoulder and find Lucas. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m going to New York with my sister.”
“You weren’t going to say goodbye?” He looks so hurt.
“I’m saying it now.”
He throws his arms around my waist and pulls me close. “You’re coming back, right?”
“Maybe.” I know I won’t be though. It hurts too much.
“I’ll miss you,” he whispers and releases me. Emotion threatens to break loose, and I know I can’t handle it, so I offer him a small smile and turn away.
It’s when I pull the car door open and glance back at the house that I see Rafael lingering at one of the first-floor windows. Our eyes lock, his swimming with untold pain, and the hole in my chest rips wide open. A barrage of emotions presses in on my bubble, like thousands of bees stinging over and over again.
He asked me to trust him, and I fought so hard to give him every grain of myself. Only for him to destroy me. I close my eyes and tears break free, tracking down my cheeks. Turning away, I get in the car.
Una gets in behind me, sparing me a brief glance. “Let’s go home.”
Home. Rafael was my home.
55
Rafael
The sunlight soaks through the material of my suit jacket until I’m burning up under its heat. I tug at my collar as sweat sticks to my neck and trickles down my back.
The birds sing in nearby trees, and cicadas chirp happily in the long grass that surrounds the cemetery. I hate it. I hate it all. It’s as though the world is just continuing to exist, to go on in spite of the fact that it’s now missing something vital, something that made it so much better.
Silence wraps around me like a suffocating blanket as I watch the coffin descend into the earth. The lilies on the lid are a stark white, contrasting with the shiny black lacquered surface. I can’t help but think of them, crushed under the weight of all that soil. Wasted. Ruined. Just like Maria. A tragic waste of something so bright.
The sound of a woman’s nearby sobs filter through my muted state, but I pay them no attention. I’m caught in my own private agony, tormented by my own failings and tortured with the knowledge that even in death I’ve let Maria down. All that sits in that coffin is the severed head that was sent to my door. We couldn’t retrieve the body, and knowing Dominges, it’s probably buried in an unmarked grave in the desert. My fists clench so hard that my fingers ache with the effort. I’m caught in a vicious cycle of unbearable pain and rage. Part of me wishes that Anna were here. Her simple touch, a few whispered words, and I know this storm would become that much easier to weather, but I can’t risk her. What I feel now is only a fraction of what it would be to lose her. Without her though, this all feels that much more destructive.
As soon as the coffin hits the bottom of that deep, dark hole, I turn around and walk away.
The sunlight highlights fine spider webs that blanket the grass in a dusting of silk—pure and uninterrupted. Shrugging out of my jacket, I tear off my tie and release the top two buttons on my shirt.
“Rafe.”
Carlos jogs up beside me, and I glance at him briefly without stopping. “What?”
