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But here’s the secret: of course happy couples fight! Two strong minds coming together are never going to agree on everything, and it’s healthy to express those feelings. But what we had to learn was that it was the way we were expressing our feelings that wasn’t healthy. Shouting doesn’t make anyone feel better. Storming off doesn’t fix any problems.
In some ways, we had to learn this all over again when the Comb+Honey brand took off. Pressure adds stress, and stress breaks down the communication process. Even though I’d long since learned that when I’m hurting I have to tell Russ what I’m feeling, sometimes when we’re busy, we forget to prioritize our relationship.
We came back to that, consciously, when we first started writing this book. We talk every night. We write each other letters sometimes. I know I have to tell Russ when something bothers me, or it’ll fester. I can’t let it build up. And sometimes, that means we have to be vulnerable with each other. It takes a heck of a lot of trust.
Before I’m steaming mad, I simply say, “Russ, I felt dismissed back there,” or he can say, “Melly, I’m starting to feel smothered by you,” and we know each other well enough to know we wouldn’t bring it up if it wasn’t going to become a problem down the road.
That trust takes time. But when you love each other, it shouldn’t be scary to be vulnerable and it shouldn’t be hard to compromise.
I’d like to share with you what we like to call SACRED HEALING. We use it every day of our marriage, and it hasn’t failed us yet!
When you have something you need to communicate, those words are SACRED:
1.STOP when you register something’s wrong.
2.ADMIT that you have an issue to discuss.
3.CALMLY express your feelings.
4.REFLECT on why you’re feeling this way.
5.ENGAGE with your partner to actively fix the issue.
6.DEVOTE time after conflict to returning to a loving state.
And when your partner is saying something SACRED, it’s your job to be the leader of the HEALING:
1.HEAR your partner’s words.
2.ENGAGE with questions for clarification and understanding.
3.ACKNOWLEDGE that what they’re saying is important.
4.LOOK BACK on your own role in the conflict.
5.INITIATE discussion without anger or defense.
6.NEGOTIATE a solution with pure intentions.
7.GROW as partners and individuals by fixing the problem as a team.
The pool is mostly empty at this hour. A group of rowdy teenage boys here for some kind of sports competition—judging from their matching duffel bags—are splashing and wrestling down at the other end, but it seems my red face and pathetic sniffling effectively signal they should keep their distance.
I’m not usually happier alone, but I am right now, vacillating between embarrassment over the way Melly talked to me and anger at myself for letting her. As crazy as it sounds, I’m genuinely sad about how tonight went down, because despite everything, I care about Melissa. She’s lost her temper with me before but never like that, never in front of other people, and always about the job, or out of frustration about things around her. In all the time I’ve worked for her, she’s never questioned my character or accused me of being disloyal.
I wipe my face again, wishing I were more furious and less hurt. Wishing I had stood up to her instead of letting her see me cry.
You and Russell humiliate the fuck out of me in front of two hundred people and now you want to shut me up with food?
Carey has just tried to take credit for my fucking life’s work …
I’d been so grateful when she’d finally made James leave, but she wasn’t finished.
I have given you so much, and this is how you repay me?
Melly, I would never—
Are you calling me a liar?
No—
Try that again, and I will replace you in a second. Do you understand? You’re not special, Carey. Don’t forget that.
Not special.
Rusty just stood there; his eyes were soft with pity, but he didn’t dare contradict her and risk getting something else thrown at his head.
SACRED HEALING, my ass.
And then there’s James. I want to thank him for trying to stand up for me, but I’m still too mortified that he had to witness that debacle to imagine ever talking to him again.
I pull the last Funyun out of the bag and glance over at the boys, envying their carefree youth and fighting the urge to rush over to tell them to study hard, to go to college, to do whatever they can to give themselves options. Make plans, and make backup plans. Network, and meet people, and don’t be afraid to try something new and fail at it—experience is everything. I want to tell them, more than anything, not to settle down in the first job they get.
One of the boys runs screaming toward the pool and does a cannonball so epic he soaks all of his friends and a good portion of the pool deck.
