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There’s uncertainty in her eyes, enough prompting me to make a solemn promise. “Yes.”
Her shoulders slump against the pillows, and the tense set of her mouth eases. “Thank you.”
I swallow my irrational disappointment. Taking my laptop from the safe, I put on a movie to take off some of the edge for her. It’s a spy flick with lots of action, and within no time she’s engrossed in the story. It’s cute to watch. Her eyebrows pitch together and her eyes flare at every fighting scene. While the movie takes up her concentration, I drift back to my thoughts.
There’s no place for a child in my kind of life. I can barely work around keeping a woman. I’ve never thought about it until now. No one has ever sparked these needs in me. I’m selfish enough to fantasize about the idea anyway. Maybe it’s making up for the wrongs of my childhood, to give a boy or a girl the happy life I didn’t have. Maybe it’s just Cas. She makes me want to do things I shouldn’t admit out loud. The idea of a family has always appealed to me. I like the idea of babies and fatherhood, of having a chance to be better than my old man. I just never considered doing it until now, and I should never think about it. I’m a professional thief. I live off what I steal. You can’t put what I am and good in the same sentence.
By the time the titles roll over the screen, Cas’s second glass of wine is empty, and she’s fast asleep with her head on my shoulder. I close the laptop and ease her back onto the pillows, taking care not to wake her. It’s warm enough inside, but I cover her with the blanket and take my phone to make a call outside.
The pharmacist is a local. I tell him what I need, and he agrees to deliver by sunrise. A hyena laughs somewhere, taunting my decision. A jackal agrees with a mocking cry. The landscape lies serenely in the light of the moon, the cycle of life taking place in a million different micro and macro ways. I take another moment to appreciate the night sounds before I go inside where the best sight of all awaits.
I’m a light sleeper. When the soft knock falls on the door, I’m awake. Careful not to wake Cas, I get from the bed and open the door. Wataida stands on the doorstep with a package in his hand.
“Ke a leboga, rra,” I say as I take it.
He nods and scurries off.
I break the seal with the pharmacy logo and tear away the brown paper bag. Inside is the pill I ordered last night. I take the leaflet from the box and read the instructions as well as the possible side effects and contraindications. When I get to the end of the leaflet, I push the pill from its foil casing and leave it in a saucer on the nightstand with Cas’s heart medication. After dumping the water in the carafe into a potted plant, I fill it with fresh water and leave it with a clean glass by the pills.
For a second, I stare at that little white pill. Picking it up, I turn it around as I imagine what the chemicals will do to Cas’s body. I glance at her sleeping form and the beautiful serenity of her angelic face. I should put the pill back in its place, but I don’t. I press my thumb and forefinger until the pill explodes under the pressure and only the powder residue is left on my fingers. Just this once, I’ll play Russian roulette. Guilt eats at me, but I brush it away like I dust the white powder off on my boxer shorts.
It’s early, but I’ve never been a late sleeper. I have a shower and get dressed. I’m tying my boots when Cas wakes.
She blinks sleep from her eyes. “Where are you going?”
I smile. I like that sleepy look on her. It looks good in my bed. “To check the solar panels.”
In a flash, she’s out of bed. “Let me come with you.”
I finish tying my laces and get up. “You should rest. It’s early.”
“I’m bored here by myself,” she says, already rushing toward the doors.
Her naked body makes me want to drag her back to bed. It takes enormous effort to keep my gaze on her face. Ah, fuck it. I ogle her pert tits and the triangle between her legs. I’m only a man. “You could read.”
Stopping, she props her hands on her hips. “I have no interest in learning how to build an airplane or how to make glue from tree gum.”
That puts a smile on my face. So, she browsed the titles. “I’ll get you some books you like.”
