AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Well,” Dr. Simms said, as she finished making notes in my file. “I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that your symptoms have me concerned.”
I sat up straight on the exam table. Wrapping my hands low around my stomach, I swallowed hard. “Concerned? Why?”
“Um, well, it’s normal to have things like morning sickness, since the way you are presenting leads to me to conclude that you are, in fact, pregnant. Beyond that though, you might have some potentially serious complications. In particular, what you revealed to me about your alcohol consumption is what has my attention.”
Pregnant?
Complications?
“Uhm…” I stammered. My entire body went clammy and cool as she shared her distressing insight.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. A nurse poked her head in and looking towards the doctor she said, “Excuse me, Dr. Simms, I’m sorry. We need you for a moment.”
Looking over her shoulder, the doctor nodded in the nurse’s direction before turning back to me.
“Maddie,” she began. “Pardon me. I’ll be right back.”
Chewing the inside of my lip, I nodded in understanding as she stood in front of me. A moment later, the door to the office clicked shut, and I lifted my knees up to the exam table. Hugging them against my chest, I laid my head down on top of my knees and began to rock back and forth.
I felt my throat begin to tighten with sorrow. Liquid rushed to my tear ducts as I fought with everything I had not to break down and make a complete fool out of myself in the doctor’s office. But, it was no use. As I shifted to and fro, the tears spilled forth. Warm rivulets ran down my cheeks and then across my forearms as I clutched my knees hard. Unblinking, I stared across the room to the stark white of the exam room walls, losing myself in despair.
That continued for several minutes until at last, the door opened. I didn’t bother to look up or try to pretend suffering hadn’t consumed me. I heard the door close as the doctor walked back in my direction. I licked my lips to rid myself of some of the evidence of my state of mind. A heavy, salty flavor stung my tongue in bitterness as I looked up at her.
Her expression held concern, empathy. Reaching for a box of nearby tissues, she passed them to me. I thanked her with a hard swallow and a sniffle as I pulled with a ginger tug or two on the thin papers. I made a half-hearted attempt to fix my appearance, and she returned to sit in front of me.
With the folder in her lap, she placed her hands over the top of it, lacing her fingers together. “Maddie, I… I’m afraid there’s just no easy way to tell you any of this, dear. I’m terribly sorry.”
As she spoke, I fought for a breath. I gulped and struggled for air, trying to remain as calm as possible. My tears burned like acid as they trickled down my cheeks. The moisture in my palms nearly liquefied the tissue. As if I were trapped outside in a blizzard, a sudden wave of nerves caused my entire body to start to quiver and shake. I cannot imagine what I must have looked like to her as I sat there, my knees pulled hard against my body. I shook my head as I tried to focus on anything. What was happening to me right now? This couldn’t be real. It just couldn’t be.
Summoning all the courage I could, I swallowed hard while I searched my mouth for any sign of moisture. I came up with next to nothing and with a rasp, I sputtered, “What… is it? P-Please, I-I just want to know.”
Her features turned somber. The doctor’s brow creased with concern as she thinned her lips. She cleared her throat and began, “Maddie, are you familiar with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?”
“No,” I muttered.
Shaking, I strengthened my hug. I just wanted to wake up, somehow make this all not real. But the word ‘fetal’ caught my attention. Lifting my head, I glanced down at my belly through a haze-filled stare.
Baby?
“Maddie,” The doctor said, in a tone that commanded attention. “Honey, I need you to pay attention. The child you are carrying… It’s at high risk for FAS and other birth defects should you bring it to term.”
Grey’s baby?
The doctor continued, “The severity of your morning sickness in combination with my exam leads me to the conclusion that the fetus has likely sustained damage consistent with alcohol abuse.”
“Alcohol?” I muttered. “What?”
The doctor fell silent. Overhead, the harsh glow of fluorescent lighting stabbed at my tear-weary eyes. Shaking, I didn’t feel like a mother should - happy or overjoyed. No, instead I felt like a specimen as she rattled off all the things that could go wrong, would go wrong.
“Maddie, I don’t think you understand the severity of this situation. Bringing the child to term… It would be a very grave choice for the baby. There’s a very high probability if you did, the child will never be normal. And that’s if you manage to carry it to full-term, which is highly unlikely. At best, you have a fifty-fifty chance of the baby making it.”
As she finished speaking, my feet slid off the edge of the table, ripping the tissue in the process. The backs of my calves banged against the front of the exam table as I looked at her in disbelief. A soft breath escaped from my nose as I exhaled.
“What… Is there anything we can do?” I asked.
“Maddie,” she said as she stood from her chair. The doctor placed the folder down in her chair and then turned to face me. “There’s really only one thing to do. I hope you understand why. This kind of thing happens.”
I felt my forehead wrinkle in disbelief. I shook my head and protested. “No, I won’t. I won’t do it. No!”
“Maddie,” she said, as she wrapped her fingers around my shoulders with a soft embrace. “An abortion is the safest thing for you and the humane thing to do for the fetus.”
I know she didn’t mean it, but the way she said ‘fetus’ was as if my child, Grey’s baby, was almost like a tumor that had to come out. Sickened, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“I said ‘no’! Didn’t you hear me?”
Sensing my growing indignation, Dr. Simms released me and stepped back a bit. She nodded and clasped her hands together in front of her body.
“Look, I understand you’re upset.” She shook her head and gestured towards my stomach. “But, you’re young and otherwise healthy. There’s no reason why you and your husband can’t try again.”
The iciness in my veins turned to streaks of red hot panic as she spoke. I jumped to my feet and chewing my lower lip between my teeth I replied, “I’m, uh, I’m not married.”
The doctor nodded as she stepped aside. “Oh, all right. Well, your boyfriend, significant other…”
Cutting her off, I said, “I don’t have one of those either.”
Dr. Simms remained silent for a moment and then cleared her throat.
“I see.”
“I’m not giving up my baby, doctor. I won’t,” I blurted out. “I don’t care what you say. I won’t let Grey’s… my baby… just be destroyed. Never.”
The doctor acknowledged my comment in a way that suggested she’d heard pleas like mine once or twice before.
“Maddie, the baby is not the only one at risk in this scenario.” She continued in a solemn tone, “If you go through with this, the odds are very high you could damage your chances to have another child in the future. Beyond that, as I already explained, the chance of survival is only fifty-fifty and even if it does, then…”
“Yes, I know, I know!” I screamed. “Birth defects and everything. I heard you!”
Almost as soon as the words spewed from my mouth, I shook my head.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Simms,” I said, as I exhaled. “I… I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head as she looked at me in silence for a moment.
“Maddie, as your doctor, it’s my responsibility to give you the best advice I can. Now under these circumstances, I strongly urge you to consider terminating the pregnancy.”
I shook my head. My resolve came from somewhere. Maybe it was denial. I have no idea but nothing she could tell me would change my mind.
“No.” I replied. “I won’t do it. I want you to explain exactly what will happen to me and the baby if I don’t.”
Dr. Simms thinned her lips at my refusal.
“Um, well,” she began. “The likely outcome is that your condition will continue to worsen. Vomiting frequency and intensity will increase. There’s significant risk to your vital organs, especially your heart and kidneys and…”
“The baby, Doctor,” I interrupted. “What about the baby?”
She nodded. “As I said, there is a fifty percent chance, in practical terms, your baby could survive. Of course that doesn’t speak to the financial burden of care you’ll be left with, which will be substantial. A newborn with conditions such as these is, well…”
As to emphasize her point, she allowed her voice to trail away.
“Okay,” I replied. “What do I have to do? To give the baby the best chance I can to survive?”
“That’s simple, Maddie. Should you choose to go this route, you’ll be on strict bed rest at a point in the very near future. A matter of weeks, perhaps, if not sooner.”
