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I shudder, and convulse, and my hot fluid fills her up.
I hold myself above her, making sure I don’t crush her. Her face is buried in my shoulder, and I think she’s crying.
I look at her quickly, and she is, but she’s shaking her head not to worry.
“It’s my hormones,” she finally says. “I’m happy, babe.”
Relieved, I roll off and hold her, and she sniffles. “I never thought I’d be so happy,” says.
“Me, too,” I agree. “Never.”
But even still, as we bask in the afterglow of making love, the rumblings of my cravings come back. They wind their way out of my gut, out of the blackness and the void, and into my thoughts, my chest.
I suck in air because it hits me so hard yet again, out of the blue.
It’s like wind taking the sails of a ship. It grabs hold and flies.
I take a deep breath, and will the awfulness away, and how can I even be fee
ling like this with my wife in my arms? I’ve not needed to use even once since I’ve been with her. She’s been everything I needed.
Why is this rearing its head now?
I ponder what to do while we make our way to the dining room to eat, and we sit side by side. Mila grips my thigh between bites, and her hand is warm and mine.
But she can’t make the craving go away.
It’s planted in my head, and it won’t leave me alone.
I feed my wife dessert while hiding my struggle. I laugh at her jokes, but I don’t feel the amusement. I’m empty inside for this moment, because all I can do is crave.
It’s eating at me.
Overwhelming me.
It makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
Long after Mila is sleeping, tucked safely into our bed, I find my way to my study.
It’s the middle of the night, and I can’t think around my need to use.
It comes in waves, big waves.
I dump the rest of the pill bottle into my hand, and chew them up, swallowing the bitterness without flinching.
I feel instant relief, as the ground up powder enters my bloodstream through my stomach, and I close my eyes, letting it dull the need.
The need is a monster, and I just made a blood offering.
It will be quiet now, for a little while.
I fall asleep on the sofa in my study.
15
Chapter Fourteen
