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I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I felt a tear hit me on my chest. I quickly wiped it because I didn’t want to cry in front of a woman. I could see in Raynell’s eyes how much she sympathized with me. Everything that I’d just finished saying to her was the truth. I wasn’t just expressing these things to her because I wanted her to feel bad for me. Suicide has definitely been something that’s been taking up the majority of the space in my head these past few months, which is why it was so important for me to escape this shit. I knew that my black ass risked getting killed if I got caught, but because suicide was an option, I felt like I was going to die anyway. Plus, I wouldn’t know the outcome unless I tried.
“You gotta think, Giovonni, and think very fuckin’ hard. What you just did in the kitchen didn’t take a lot of thought. That shit happens around here almost once a month, so I won’t even give you credit for that. If we do this, I need you to plan something extreme. I need to hear an outline from you about how we plan to do this, and if it doesn’t move me, I’m out. I’m only giving you one chance to convince me. One chance, and I mean it. Think about it. My shift is over. I don’t work this weekend, so I’ll see you Monday morning. Take care.” And with that, she was gone.
With a smile on my face, I flopped down on the bed, and my mind went into overdrive, just thinking about all the shit that I would have to do to pull this off. Since I’ve been in here, this has been the most hope that I’d had so far. I actually had a chance to get the fuck up out of here. I stayed up all night with my pen and pad, writing things down in code, just in case they decided to do another sweep. This shit had consumed me because not once did I even pull out my phone to call anyone from back home. The one person that I did have to talk to had just left.
Ever since I texted my ole girl Jashae’s address, I hadn’t heard back from her, I couldn’t get Jashae to pick up the fuckin’ phone for a nigga, I had no fuckin’ words to say to Krystal’s ass, and the best friend that I did have, I had just killed his ass. As I wrote things down, my mind went to my daughter. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing. Was she with Jashae? If she was with Shae, then I would be at peace because I knew that Shae would make sure that little girl was protected, even though she probably hated my ass.
I knew Jashae inside and out, therefore I knew that she would love Maya better than her own fuckin’ mother loved her.
Jashae Johnson
“Jashae, baby, I get it. Trust me, I get it. She’s a little girl, and you don’t want to just throw her to the wolves, but this isn’t, and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to raise her. By accepting this child as your own, you are putting yourself in a situation where you have to deal with Trip and his shit for the rest of your fuckin’ life! I know that’s not what you want.
“Vonte would have been eighteen, which by law would have made him an adult. If he were to continue his relationship with Trip, that would have been his doing. Y
ou wouldn’t have had to be involved. We’re talking about a five-year-old little girl here, so it’s different. She may want to see her dad; therefore, you’re going to be back in the picture, taking her down there to see him. What about her mama? What about when she finally gets her shit together and decides that she wants her daughter back. Then what? What about actually going down there to the courthouse and filing for temporary custody of her? Are these things that you actually sat and thought about?” My grandmother hit me with question after question.
Truth is, I’d been avoiding her, my daddy, and Mahogany as much as I could because I didn’t want them to question what was going on. Whenever the three of them told me that they were coming over, I always came up with some excuse about how I wasn’t feeling well or some lie about me not being home because I didn’t want them to judge me. Leave it to my grandma to just pop her ass up on me this Saturday morning unannounced.
When she came over, I was caught red handed because Maya was in the kitchen eating breakfast. Do you know that I was going to lie and say that Maya was Miami’s daughter, Taniya, because I just honestly thought that it would go over her head, but then again, I had to remember who the hell I was dealing with. I ended up leaving Maya in the kitchen so she could eat her breakfast while I went in the office downstairs and explained everything to my grandma. It sucked because Miami was at his rec center, so he wasn’t even there to have my back in all of this.
“You want to know the real reason why I don’t want to drop her off? I remember I was in the eighth grade. Shit, what was her name? Manushka. Yeah, that was her name. She was Haitian. A really quiet girl. Never really said anything to anyone. She always sat in the back of the class, but she was smart as hell. I remember she would finish her test in like ten minutes, and then she would lay her head on the desk and wait for everyone else to finish. She was so weird to me. At least, in the beginning, I viewed her as weird. It would be one hundred degrees outside, and she would have jeans on under her school uniform skirt, and she always wore big ass sweaters to school like we lived in Antarctica or something. You can only imagine the way she was bullied in school. She was like a mystery because really no one knew anything about her. She was a loner. It wasn’t until this new club at my school was introduced. Remember the Girl’s R Us club that you had me join?” I asked, and she nodded yes.
“We just talked about basic things about being a girl. Pretty much every girl in the classroom shared something. We were all surprised that Manushka was there because her ass didn’t participate in anything. We were even more surprised when she started to share. I believe that everyone in that room was crying after she finished speaking. She talked about being given up for adoption from the moment she was born. She basically grew up in foster care.
“When she turned ten, she was adopted, and she lived with a married white couple and their four boys. She talked about the many nights she was beaten and raped. We thought the big clothes that she wore were because she was weird, but little did we know, she was covering herself up, to steer any guy away from ever looking at her. Also, because she was covering up bruises. I remember my teacher, Ms. Jackson, who was over the club jumping into action right there. Cops were at the school, CPS, it was a real big thing. Weeks had gone by, and I remember asking Ms. Jackson about what happened to Manushka, and all she said was that she was back in foster care and that the parents were in jail. The two older boys who were raping her had been arrested as well. We never saw or heard from Manushka again.
“Ma, I’m in situation where I can take care of Maya. If I put her in foster care, for the rest of my life, I’ll be questioning it. I know it’s not my responsibility to even care, but she’s been with me almost a week now. Her mama don’t want her, and Trip cannot do a damn thing with her. Would it hurt that bad if I kept her?” I asked.
The look on my grandmother’s face screamed that I was somehow getting through to her. I could tell by the way her face had softened. Moments ago, when she came in the house and saw Maya, it was on and popping because she kept questioning who the hell this little girl was that I had in the kitchen.
“Here’s what I feel like you should do. Get a lawyer. We need paperwork signed by her sorry ass mammy that basically shows that she agrees to give away her rights as her mother. This is also to protect you from her popping her ass up five years from now, screaming that she’s ready to be her mother again. Chillllddd, you are better than me. When I was your age, honnneeeeyyy, the way I would have read into Trip, his mama, and that sorry ass baby mama, they would have never in their fuckin’ lives played with me again,” my grandma said.
“You say that because the shoe isn’t on your foot. If I was on the outside, looking in, I probably would have said that I wouldn’t have taken the child in either, but I’m actually living this, so it’s different. Will you watch her for me? Just for like an hour. I need to go and tell Miami something. He’s at the rec center, and it’s no telling when he’s going to bring his ass home,” I said, and she looked at me with a smirk on her face.
“I hope you getting ready to tell that man that your ass is pregnant,” she said.
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
I opened the door, so we could walk out of the office where we had been talking for the past ten minutes or so.
“You don’t have to talk around the subject with me, baby. I’m old fashioned. I see pregnancy all in your damn face. I’ll watch her until you get back,” she let me know.
We made it back to the kitchen where Maya was. Since she’d been living with me, I found out that this little girl loves her some damn bacon, so this morning, I cooked bacon, eggs, and grits for her. I looked down at her plate and saw that she’d cleaned it. She had been a little bit better these past couple of days. After the first night, I think it kind of hit her that her mama wasn’t coming to get her, so at night, I would have to stay in the room with her while she cried herself to sleep. She barely talked, and when she did, it was always to ask me if I could call her mama for her.
Of course, whenever I would call Krystal, the bitch would never answer the phone. Although Maya was five, which wasn’t technically a baby, I felt like she was still a lot of work. I was changing the sheets almost every morning because no matter what, she was still peeing in the bed. I’d be damned if I allowed her to go to bed with a pull-up on, so this was something that we were still working on. Her vocabulary really wasn’t that strong, so often, when she wanted something, she would point to it, which is something else that I was working on with her. I was trying to get her to use her words.
Krystal didn’t teach this little girl any damn thing, which was so fuckin’ sad. Miami’s daughter would be landing later on tonight, so maybe with Maya around another child, she’d show some kind of life. I never got to meet Tahira, and I wasn’t even sure what the hell happened on the phone that night when I walked in on Miami snapping on her because I never asked. All I knew was that it had Miami pissed off to the point that he didn’t even care to see her the next day, so we still hadn’t met.
“I’m going to leave for a few, but I’ll be back. My grandma is going to watch you until I get back. You okay?” I asked Maya.
She just always seemed so sad. Miami and I took her to the park yesterday, thinking that it would be good for her, but she stayed up under me the entire time, too scared to play with the other kids. Eventually, Miami ended up carrying her over to the swings, where he pushed her back and forth, and even that wasn’t too exciting for her. That little girl wanted her mama badly. Pretty soon, I was going to need Krystal to drop a location because we couldn’t just keep doing this to this little girl. I just felt like Maya wasn’t going to be content until she saw Krystal.
“I’m fff… Fine,” she let me know.
My grandma didn’t know she stuttered, so when she heard her, her face resembled the way mine must have looked the first time that I heard her speak. As if she belonged to me, I kissed her forehead, letting her know that I would be back, and within seconds
, I was out the door, making sure that I had what I needed in my purse to show Miami. He wasn’t going to let me live this down. I couldn’t wait for him to get home; I had to actually pop up on his ass and show him this in person. This information was going to rock his damn world.
