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In just a matter of weeks, I went from becoming somewhat of a new mom to a little girl, then transitioning into pregnancy all over again, and expecting a baby boy or a baby girl in some months. In order for me to be able to probably live my life, be content and at peace, I was going to have to get rid of Trip, and that was on a mental level because I allowed that man to rent up so much space in my head. I could never forget his presence alone because when I think about my son, somehow, I’ll always think about Trip, but it was time that I just let it go and realize that whatever we shared is no more.
I’ll probably always love Trip because he had been in my life since I was a damn child, and we shared something that I loved more than anything, and that was Vonte .
When I finally pulled up to the house, I was shocked that all of Miami’s cars were in the driveway. Most days, I would make it home before him during the week because he would coach boxing classes at the rec center. Happy that my man was home, I quickly got out of the car, wearing a big smile on my face. I had my purse in one hand, and I was carrying the blazer that I’d taken off in another. I used my key to let myself in the house, and the first thing that I noticed was that the house was pitch dark. So fuckin’ dark that I could hardly see shit.
I ended up using the flashlight to my phone, just so I could see.
“Toddrick, why the hell do you have it so damn dark in here? Baby, where are you?” I called out, but he didn’t answer.
“Miami! Where are you?” I asked again, walking further into
the house.
“I’m in the den,” I heard his deep voice boom.
I walked in the direction of the den, still holding onto the phone with the light in my hand.
“Why you sitting in here in the dark? And why—”
“Go in the kitchen or something, shorty. I’m smoking. Open a window too. I wasn’t looking at the time. I should have smoked this shit on the porch,” he spoke, and his voice held no type of life to it.
I knew something was wrong for his ass to be smoking inside the damn house.
“Then put it out. I want to talk to you. What’s wrong with you?” I asked, flicking the light on in the den because he was in all black clothing, so it felt like I was talking to a damn ghost.
The moment I saw him, I noticed his red eyes, his red nose, making it obvious that it wasn’t the weed that had turned him red. Something bad had to have happened for Miami to have been crying. This man never fuckin’ cried. I mean, never. He shared a couple of tears with me when Vonte died, but that was the most emotional that I’d ever seen him.
“What’s wr—”
“Shae, open the window, shorty. I don’t need you taking in these fuckin’ toxins while you pregnant. I’ll meet you in the kitchen, damn!” he spoke, quickly standing up from the couch.
As many questions as I wanted to ask, I went over to the windows and started opening them. Next, I went inside the kitchen, dropping the items that were in my hands on top of the island. I stood with my back pressed against the counter, crossing my arms and waiting for him to come in and tell me something. He finally came and went over to the refrigerator then grabbed a bottle of water. I watched as he guzzled it down. Even when he finished it, he still hadn’t said anything.
“Toddrick, what’s going on? Why were you sitting in here in the damn dark?” I questioned again.
For the first time, he wouldn’t look me in my eyes. His eyes were on everything except me. That’s when I realized that like a typical man, he didn’t want me to see him crying. He used his hands to quickly wipe it away. He was scaring me by not telling me what happened. I immediately thought of Maya, but I knew that she was fine because she was with my grandma. I usually would come home from work, shower, and then head over to get Maya because she took a strong liking to my grandma, so me coming home to shower and change was just giving the two of them some more time to spend with each other.
I walked over to Miami and wrapped my arms around his neck as I stood on my tippy toes so I could somewhat try to reach his level.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I asked him again.
He released a sigh while shaking his head.
“I went over to my ole boy’s house this evening because I hadn’t seen him in a few days. He’s been MIA lately, acting real strange for months. It’s been times I would pop up over there, and he wouldn’t be home. On some real shit, in the beginning, I questioned if maybe he had a girlfriend or something and he was hiding it from me or some shit like that. Whole fuckin’ time, that nigga sitting his ass over there with fuckin’ cancer! The days that I would go over there, he would be gone because he would be at chemo. Then, when I questioned him on how long he knew about this, he assured me that it’s been a few months,” he said.
I could hear the hurt, the anger, even the fear in Miami’s voice. Miami loved his father. He played a huge role in his life. Miami didn’t have that story like a lot of other men who had to grow up without a father because his was actually there.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. How bad is it?” I asked, referring to the status of his dad.
“He tried to downplay it, but it’s bad, shorty. I know it ain’t our job to question God, but sometimes I just don’t understand Him, yo. Like, why me? I already done lost my ole girl to this deadly ass fuckin’ disease, and now my fuckin’ pops got it too. I lost deep parts of me when my mama died. Parts of me that still haven’t come back to this day. Shorty, I don’t know what the fuck I would do if… Man, I don’t even want to talk about it. Watch out,” he said, trying to push away from me, but I wouldn’t let him.
I could sense that Miami was trying to be distant from me, but I also knew what he needed me, so I couldn’t let him go, even though that was probably what he wanted. I hated to see Miami like this. Anyone knew what when it came to family and friends, he was like the backbone. He was the glue that pretty much stuck everyone together.
“Miami, please don’t shut down on me, baby. What are the doctors saying?” I questioned.
He lifted me up and sat me down on top of the counter. My legs were slightly parted, so he stood in the middle of them, resting his hands on my lap.
“He goes back to the doctor tomorrow, so Ima go with him because I felt like he was telling me a bunch of bullshit to get me not to worry. That nigga lied to the very end. I questioned him damn near two weeks ago about his weight. Just like me, you know my ole boy is solid muscle. I had been noticing the weight loss, but when he told me about the new diet that he was on, I believed his ass. I get that he doesn’t want to hurt me with this shit, but I don’t think he understands that lying to me and leaving me out of the loop is hurting me even more.
