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“What the hell is wrong with you, Journey?” she asked me.
She wasn’t even asking from a place of sympathy. Her voice was filled with anger, which didn’t do shit but scare me even more. I couldn’t say it. There was no way that I could say it to her. I was so glad that I decided to hang on to the test instead of throwing it out. I picked up my Burberry bookbag that was next to my feet, and I placed it in my lap. I went through the first zipper with shaky hands, and then I finally found the test that I was looking for and threw it softly into my mother’s lap.
I watched her reaction. Her big eyes lit up, and her hands went over her mouth once she saw the positive pregnancy test. In seconds, big ass tears the size of raindrops escaped from her eyes. Seeing my mother cry over me had me crying even harder.
“Journey, why? Why? Why the fuck would you do this? Why would you do this?” she kept crying and asking me over and over.
I didn’t have the answers. I really didn’t. I tried to reach over to console her because it was hurting me that I was hurting her. When she pushed me away from her, I nearly lost it. We sat in her car on the side of the road, and we cried together. I knew that this was going to be the outcome.
“Mommy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I kept telling her over and over, but it was as if she didn’t want to hear it.
It took her about a good fifteen minutes to finally get the car off the road and back into traffic. I wanted so badly to jump in the backseat because I was afraid that at any second, she was going to reach her over and slap the shit out of me. That moment actually never came. Now when I think about it, I wish that that moment would have come because I wanted her to show me something more. Her silence was hurting me because it made it seem like she hated me. Like, she was so disgusted with me that she couldn’t even find the right words to say.
I noticed the direction that we were going in, and I wanted to speak up so badly and ask her if we could just go home, but it was no telling what she would say. She was going in the direction of my grandmother’s house, and I knew that more than likely, my auntie Sky would be over there. My auntie Sky got off at 2:00 P.M from her job at the bank, and just about every day, she made a cameo at her mother’s house before she went home. I had to face three women, and no type of prayer could prepare me for this.
We finally pulled up to the projects, and my mom got out first. I was surprised when she pulled the pregnancy test from the cup holder that she’d set it in and got out with it. I grabbed my bookbag, placed it on my back, and I followed her. The whole time we were walking, I held my head down in shame, but when we reached the staircase, something told me to look up. When I did, I saw him. Raheem was standing there holding his beautiful baby girl in his arms, and our eyes quickly landed on each other.
From the way that my mom was walking, I was pretty sure he thought that she was headed in his direction, but she wasn’t. My mom didn’t have the slightest clue as to who he was. Whenever I saw Raheem in the past, I would get these silly butterflies in the pit of my stomach, but looking at him now, I saw nothing. I didn’t feel for him the same way that I felt about him yesterday. I saw his true colors today, so I knew that I meant absolutely nothing to him.
I quickly removed my gaze from him and followed my mom up the steps until we were on the floor where my grandmother stayed. She used the spare key to let us in, and just like I thought, when we walked inside, my grandmother and my auntie Sky were sitting in the living room together watching TV. I didn’t want to be rude, so I walked over and hugged them both, placing kisses on each of their cheeks. I even tried to be slick and walk to the back, but my mom grabbed me by the back of my bookbag and damn near threw me on the couch.
Both my grandmother and my auntie were looking at her like she was crazy. Their questions were soon answered when she pulled the test from her back pocket and threw it on the table. My mom was so pissed that she started crying yet again.
“Don’t tell me that this is hers.” Auntie Sky was the first one to speak up.
When she did, her eyes were on me. I removed my focus from her and looked down at the carpet. When her question didn’t get an answer, she knew what the hell was up.
“From who?” my auntie Sky asked me, and I ignored her. “Little girl, you better fuckin’ answer me before I raise up from this couch! Your mama may not hit you, but I sure the fuck will! I said from who?” she asked, barking so loud that the pictures that were hanging up on the wall shook a little.
Auntie Sky was more than just an auntie to me. She was like mommy number two when it came to me and my little brother and sister. She liked to tell us all the time that she changed all our diapers when we were babies, bathed us, and all of that, so I couldn’t even say that she was doing too much because this was to be expected. I was damn near her daughter too.
“I can’t tell you! I’ll get him in trouble!” I sa
id, looking up at all three women with sadness in my eyes.
It hurt me to my core that my grandmother wasn’t saying anything. She was usually the one who would ride with me whether I was right or wrong, but her silence about this whole situation spoke volumes.
“FUCK HIM! I look like I give a fuck about you getting him in trouble? Your ass is in trouble, so what the fuck are you saying?” my mom asked, damn near running over from where she was standing and getting in my face. My mom wasn’t a stupid woman at all, so it didn’t take much longer for her to put two and two together. “It must be an older nigga! That’s what you mean by getting him in trouble, right? RIGHT?” she screamed when I didn’t answer her.
I nodded with a face filled with tears, and she shook her head.
“I can’t believe this shit, man! My own fuckin’ daughter! What the fuck is wrong with you, Journey? I hate that your little ass has become so fuckin’ sneaky. If I’m hard on you, it’s for a fuckin’ reason, but if you were having thoughts about having sex, you could have come to me, and I would have quickly deaded all of those little thoughts. Every time I see myself gaining some type of trust for you, you go and do something else. What is it? Your father and I try to give you a good lifestyle, but it’s like nothing we do is good enough.
“You see this part of town? This was my life until I was eighteen years old! I didn’t want that for you or any of my kids, which is why I busted my ass in school, and I took my ass to college. What’s it going to take to get you to do right?” she asked me.
Hell, I was still crying, so I really couldn’t even say anything. It was as if she was just defeated because she eventually just threw her hands up in surrender and took a seat next to me on the couch. For at least an hour, none of us said anything. My grandmother had long ago gotten up from the couch and went to the back, more than likely to her bedroom.
“Let’s go! I need to get the twins from school,” my mom finally said and stood up from the couch.
“Can I stay here, please?” I asked, looking up at her.
I couldn’t stand the thought of being around her while she was upset with me. Plus, I knew that this was nowhere near over. Now, I had to go home and worry about what my dad was going to say to me. My mom didn’t even bother saying anything back to me. She just gave me a look that was so damn evil that I quickly grabbed my bag from the floor and stood up to leave with her. I didn’t even bother to tell my auntie Sky goodbye, I just quickly walked out of the house.
My mom and I walked to the car in complete silence, and once we were inside, it took her about five minutes to even pull the car out of the parking space.
“I’m scheduling an appointment for you to get an abortion. I’m so disappointed in you, Journey, that I can’t even find the words to discuss how I feel right now. Trust me, I didn’t let you off with finding out who this man is because it was uncomfortable for you. I let you off because if you point me to him, there is no doubt in my mind that I’ll be in jail to fuckin’ night for murder! I think this is just one of those things that I’m just better off not knowing because I still have two other kids who need me.
“There are about to be some major changes, little girl. I swear on everything that I love, including your ass, that you will not have another phone until your ass is old enough to buy one! I’m putting you in private school, so I’ll start looking tomorrow. Your life is about to fully consist of school and home. I promise you that,” she let me know, and I nodded.
