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Chapter 1: Toya
I understand that Charlie and Monae called themselves trying to take me on a trip to help me feel a little bit better, but honestly, the shit wasn’t working. I was going through depression and I was back to feeling lost. In a matter of months, I had lost my job, was raped, and the baby in my stomach is a constant reminder of the rape. Even though I can’t remember much of the day that James abducted me, it still lurks somehow in the back of my mind, and I haven’t had the will to smile since then.
No one could relate to what I was going through. These are the times in my life where I needed my mother to be here with me because she would know what to do or say to make me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated Monae and Charlie for everything that they were doing for me as I’m going through these changes, but it wasn’t making me feel any better.
As I sat in the backseat of Charlie’s Range Rover, I thought about the events that were happening in my life right now, and it was funny to me that none of this shit started happening until I started fuckin’ with Dre. I’m in no way shape or form blaming him for the shit that James did to me, but I will admit that my life was very peaceful before I got with him. Of course, I’m not going to throw away what we are trying to build because I love Dre way too much to even think about walking away. Yes, he can come off sometimes as this asshole who tries to boss me around and run my life, but I know without a doubt that man loves me. It’s just that I’m tired of the constant drama in my life and I just need a break from it all. I am a strong woman, always have been, and it kills me that I am walking around this bitch depressed.
Yeah, I may have lost my job, but best believe that as soon as I got back home, I was hopping on a laptop to find me another one. I wasn’t some lazy bitch who was going to just sit around and spend my man’s money. No! I was going to go out and get mine as well.
I released a soft sigh as I continued to stare out of the window and enjoy the sounds of Monica’s voice on the radio as Charlie played her new album, Code Red.
“Toya, where you want me to drop you off at? Your house or Dre’s?” Charlie asked me, turning down the radio from the steering wheel.
“Just drop me off at Dre’s house. His ass been texting me all day,” I said, pulling my hoodie over my head.
She went in the direction of Dre’s house, and ten minutes later, we were pulling up. I sucked my teeth as I saw the other four cars that were in the parking lot of Dre’s complex. I knew they were his homeboys because whenever they came over, they always parked their shit right in front of the damn building. I hated when Dre had his damn homeboys over, but I felt like it wasn’t my place to say shit since it wasn’t my house. What annoyed me was the fact that he had been texting and calling me all day, telling me to come over when I got back, and when I do come over, he has all these niggas in here.
“Alright y’all, I’ll catch up with y’all later,” I said to Charlie and Monae as I opened the door.
“You want me to help you with the bags?” Charlie asked, taking off her seatbelt.
“I got it, sis. Just pop the trunk,” I said.
I went over to the trunk and retrieved my Louis Vuitton luggage and all of my shopping bags with stuff that I had bought from the outlets in Orlando. After saying goodbye one final time, I headed toward Dre’s condo. I walked up to the door and unlocked it with the key that Dre had given me. As soon as I walked inside, I was hit with the smell of weed and loud ass voices that sounded like they were coming from the living room.
“Toya, that’s you?” I heard Dre ask and assumed he had heard the alarm chirp in the mix of all that yelling they had going on.
“Yeah,” I said, very much annoyed.
A few seconds later, he rounded the corner and met me at the door. I wanted to be annoyed with his ass right then, but staring at him just wouldn’t let me. My baby looked so fine in a pair of navy blue polo sweats and a white polo tank top. He had his sweats sagging off of his ass, showcasing his blue polo boxers, with a pair of slides on his feet. His tattoos were on full display and he looked like he had gone to the barber this morning, judging from his fresh shape up. His cocky ass was just too fine for words.
“Damn, a nigga ain’t see your ass in three whole days. I was expecting you to be jumping all over a nigga,” Dre said, trying to fake sound like he was hurt.
I quickly dropped my bags on the floor, went over to him, and jumped in his arms. He lifted my body up and held me by the bottom of my ass while I wrapped my arms around his neck and engaged in a full out kissing session, right in the middle of the house.
“That’s what I’m talking about, T! Show your nigga that you missed him,” he said to me and I laughed.
“I see you carrying all them damn bags, what you got in there for me?” Dre asked, still holding me in his arms.
“Those Nike bags and True Religion bags are yours. How long are your friends going to be here?” I asked, hoping that we could get some peace and quiet in the house.
“Why? You trying to get some dick up in you or something? Let me know and I’ll put them niggas out right now,” he said and I laughed.
“No, I’m just about to take a shower then lie down,” I said, kissing him again.
He put me down and I went to pick up my bags, but he stopped me, by pulling me into him by my waist. “I got the bags, just go upstairs and take a shower. I’ma put these niggas out and I’ll be up there in a few minutes,” he said.
I nodded and took the stairs to his master bedroom.
I walked into the room and kicked off my Ugg boots then placed them in the corner. After that, I went into the bathroom to start water for my bath. I looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t help but notice that I wasn’t the same woman I was a year ago, hell even a five months ago. The image that faced me was of a woman who felt like she had her back against the wall.
This week, I would to be forced to do something that I never in my life believed in. I knew one day that I wou
ld want to have kids, and I have never been too keen on abortions, but there is no way that I could bring this baby into my life because I would be stuck with the constant reminder of the events that happened that day. It would all be a lie, and I didn’t want to live with that type of feeling in my heart. I just knew without a doubt that the baby was indeed James’.
I really didn’t plan on telling Dre about the pregnancy because I knew it would crush him, that’s why when I make my appointment this week, I have to make sure he knows nothing about it.
After my water was high enough in the tub, I turned it off and walked back over to the mirror to pull my hair up into a high bun. When I finished doing that, I stripped out of my clothes and set them on the counter. Stepping into the water, it was scorching hot, just the way I liked it. I swear, it was nothing like a good ass bubble bath because it seems to relieve all the stress, if only for a temporary amount of time. I laid my back against the edge of the tub and pulled my knees up, tucking my hands underneath my thighs.
“What you in here thinking about?” Dre said, scaring the hell out of me because I hadn’t even heard him come in.
I brought my legs back down and looked him in his eyes. It was killing me to hold in this secret from him, but for some reason, I was just too scared to see what his reaction would be. All my life, I had been afraid of rejection, and that’s what I thought I would receive from him as soon as I told him that I was carrying a baby that wasn’t his.
“Nothing much. Are you going to join me?” I asked, reaching my hands out to him, hoping that he didn’t catch on to the stress that I had written all over my face. I was able to manage it while I was downstairs with him earlier, so hopefully I would be able to do the same thing again.
“Nah, I took one before you got here, but I will watch,” he said, walking over to the tub and taking a seat on the edge of it.
Him sitting there reminded me of the very first time that we had sex. The intense stare that he would give me used to draw my eyes away from him because it made me nervous. Now, I was able to concentrate on his eyes and give him that same intense glare right back. I knew what Dre was doing right now, though. He was trying to read me, but I was making it hard because I wasn’t showing him any signs of weakness. I was his woman, and he knew when something was bothering me, but he just couldn’t seem to put his finger on it.
“Pass me your sponge and the soap,” he said.
I passed him my pink sponge with my Paris Hilton, Can Can shower gel. I watched as he applied the shower gel onto the sponge, then he brought the sponge to my breast and began to clean my body. I lay back and relaxed as my man bathed me. After he repeated that process three more times, he set the sponge on the edge of the tub.
“Stand up,” he said.
I put both of my hands on the edge of the tub and stood myself up. He picked back up the sponge and rinsed all the soap studs on my body. When we were finished, he held out a big, red oversized towel open for me to step in. I stepped into it and he wrapped it around my body then carried me into the bedroom.
“Thank you, baby,” I told him when he lay me down on the bed.
“No need to thank me, T. I’m just doing my job as your man. How you feeling, though? Because before you went on the trip, I know you were having nightmares and shit about your mom,” Dre said and I could see just how much he cared for me in his eyes.
I lay on my back and looked up at him. “I’m better, baby. It’s just that last week marked the anniversary of her death, and I often find myself dreaming about her more than I normally would whenever her anniversary approaches. I swear the dreams always feel so real sometimes,” I said and my voice choked up.
I would never be okay with the fact that I lost my mother, but I would have to learn how to cope with it. Over the years I’ve gotten stronger because there was a time when I was crying myself to sleep just every night, begging God to bring her back, even though I knew that it was impossible.
“Alright, just making sure. I don’t like seeing you that way. You need a strong female in your life, that’s why tomorrow, I’m going to take you down to meet my grandma. I would never try to use her to take the place of your mom, though. I’m just doing it because it’s something that’s been on my mind for a little while now,” Dre said and I smiled.
“Okay, baby, that’s fine with me. You’re always talking about your grandma, so I know I’ll love her,” I told him.
