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Chapter 1: Breesha
Who would have thought that the constant reminder of me losing my baby would send me over the edge and cause a failed suicide attempt? Why didn’t this shit work? I felt as if I had nothing else to live for! I lost my baby! What was wrong with me? I did everything that the doctors had recommended and I still wasn’t able to complete a full term pregnancy. I didn’t even get to be five months pregnant. I didn’t even get the chance to really get into having my small baby bump.
It’s crazy that I would even stoop this low because I remember as a child thinking to myself, “Why do people kill themselves?” I felt like there was nothing be that could wrong in your life that prayer couldn’t fix! Did I suddenly stop believing in prayer? Did all of a sudden begin to question my faith in God? I mean because if there was a God, then why would he allow something as traumatic as this to happen? Why would he allow me to get my hopes up on having a baby just to turn around and take my son away from me? I know it’s been said to never question God, but the way I was feeling right now, I just wanted some answers. What did I do that was so fucked up that He would allow something as traumatic as this to happen?
“One more pill Breesha!” Dontae said from his seat, sitting next to the window in my hospital room.
“What?” I asked. My throat was so damn dry, it felt as if I had swallowed a bucket full of sand. I watched as Dontae rose from his seat and the pissed off look on his face was evident. I could tell from the way his jaw kept twitching that he was livid with me.
“Breesha if your ass had taken one more fuckin’ pill, you would be dead right now! I wouldn’t be talking to you right now! I would be somewhere trying to make fuckin’ funeral arrangements for your ass!” he barked at me.
I looked around the room and noticed that Imani, Nae, Bria, my aunt, Imani’s grandmother, and Mama April were also in attendance. I couldn’t help but to be embarrassed at this point. I knew they had to be calling me all type of crazy this and that. I closed my eyes and thought back to yesterday when this all happened.
I was awake the whole time. I was just lying under the covers, pretending to be asleep so that Dontae wouldn’t come and get me out of the bed. I knew with him thinking I was asleep, he would leave me be. I had been having thoughts of suicide since the day I was discharged from the hospital. I was given booklets to read and numbers to call because I was told that I would be experiencing some thoughts of suicide due to me being depressed.
But I didn’t want to read any of that shit! I just wanted to be left alone! I wanted to be at peace. And when I say at peace, I mean I wanted to go join my baby in Heaven. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I felt as if it wasn’t fair for me to continue living my life while my son never even got the chance to live his. Before he even got here he was dead! When I laid in that hospital bed and pushed him out of me, he was already dead!
As soon as I heard the door shut, I ran to the bedroom window, just to make sure that Dontae really did leave. I made sure that I made up the bed so that when he came into the room, he might think I went downstairs or something like that. After I made the bed, I went into the bathroom in our bedroom and located the Percocets in the medicine cabinet that the doctor had prescribed for me. I went back over to the bathroom door and made sure to lock the door. I didn’t need to risk Dontae finding me and possibly ruining my plan.
The whole time that I was trying to twist the cap off my hands kept shaking. As soon as I was able to get the cap off, all the pills went flying to the floor. I was able to retrieve all of them and out them back in the bottle. Pill after pill, hands trembling, tears falling from my eyes, I continued to pop my prizes in my mouth, followed by the water I was using at the sink to help swallow them down.
Finally, I was at peace. My body was numb. I couldn’t feel a thing. I thought I was that much closer to finally being able to seeing my son.
“Breesha did you fuckin’ hear me?” Dontae asked, walking over to me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I tried to sit up in the bed but it felt as if my head weighed a ton. So, instead, I ignored him and buzzed for the nurse to come. Two minutes later, a middle aged African-American female nurse came into the room in her blue scrubs. She reminded me of a smaller version of the R&B singer Ledisi.
“Well it’s nice of you to bless us with your presence Ms. Thomas. I’m Nurse Jenny. How are you feeling?” she asked, walking over to me.
“My throat is very dry and my head is killing me,” I said, placing the palm of my hand on my forehead.
“That’s to be expected. Let me go and get you a cup of water,” she said and left out of the room.
Imani and Nae walked over to the bed and I gave them both a weak smile. “I’m dying to get in your ass right now! I swear to God you lucky Bria is sitting right there!” Nae had no problem letting me know how she felt. I didn’t say anything because I knew I was wrong and couldn’t anything I say justify my actions. So instead of trying to come up with an excuse, I just laid there and nodded my head.
“I just want to know why you did it Breesha? I mean come on girl, you way stronger than that. You was there for Nae when she had her miscarriage so why wouldn’t you just let us be there for you? You shut us out. We couldn’t even be there for you because you wouldn’t even pick up the phone to accept our calls,” Imani cried.
I felt bad having to see my little cousin cry over my mess. I couldn’t even form any words to come out of my mouth because I didn’t know what to say. Plus, I was scared that Dontae would try and kill my ass if I said something stupid. Imani looked up to Nae and I because we were older than her and she always thought that we were strong enough to do t
hings that she wouldn’t ever try. So for me to go to the extreme and try to harm myself really hurt my little cousin and I couldn’t help but feel like shit at the moment. Here I was, supposed to be her hero and I ended up almost going out like a coward.
The nurse came back in the room with a cup of water and a straw. Imani went to the restroom out in the hallway, followed by Bria, while Nae went and sat back down in her chair. Nurse Jenny held the cup up to my mouth and allowed me to drink from the straw. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was up until now.
“You missed lunch, so we’ll be bringing you dinner around 6,” Nurse Jenny told me after wiping my mouth with a napkin.
I did not do hospital food. Hell no! I’ve never liked it and I never will. “Dinner? What’s for dinner? And I have to sleep here?” I asked the nurse, popping off question after question.
Nurse Jenny laughed as if I had said something funny. “Tonight is tilapia, yellow rice, and fresh steamed vegetables and yes, you’re staying tonight sweetheart. We need to keep an eye on you,” she said to me like I was a fuckin’ invalid or some shit.
“What? And I don’t even eat fish!” I whined.
“Your ass going to fuckin’ eat it today,” Dontae said, standing over me. “Nurse, go ahead and send her plate. I’ll make sure she eats.” I rolled my eyes and I could hear Nae laughing in the corner.
“Ain’t this some shit?” I mumbled when the nurse left the room. I felt as if I was being held against my own will and I didn’t like it one bit.
“You ready to talk and let me understand why you went and did that stupid shit?” Dontae asked me.
“Nope I’m not ready so you can stop asking me that because I’m not telling your ass shit,” I said through gritted teeth.
“I’m going to let you have that one being as though I don’t want to embarrass your ass more than you already embarrassed yourself,” he said and looked me dead in my eyes.
I ignored Dontae and focused my attention on the TV screen. I wasn’t paying much attention to what was on TV though. My mind was all over the place. Five minutes later, Bria and Imani came back in the room hand in hand. Bria walked over to me and gave me a funny look. I knew her little mind was swarming with questions that she was dying to know the answers to.
“What happened to you Ma?” she asked, rubbing my hand that had the IV going through it. I was getting used to having her call me Mommy and I kind of liked the idea of it.
“I’m better now baby girl,” I said, picking up her hand and kissing it. Of course, I wasn’t going to tell her that I had tried to kill myself. Some things were just better left unsaid. I could tell from the look in her eyes that she wanted to ask me some more questions, but instead she went and sat in her daddy’s lap, who was still giving me the death stare. He was just going to have to get over it because the damage was already done. I failed at the suicide attempt and now we had to move on from this whether he liked the shit or not!
After having a long conversation with Mama April, my aunt, and Imani’s grandmother, everybody left except for Dontae. I guess he figured since everybody left, that I was going to tell him why I did it, but I still wasn’t going to tell him. This was something that I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life and I didn’t want him down my throat calling me names because of the action that I had taken.
Chapter 2: Dontae
It’d been two weeks since Breesha was released from the hospital. Quite frankly, a nigga was still pissed off with her ass. Before this shit even happened, Breesha made the move into my house, so she and Mani didn’t have the condo anymore. Mani had moved in with Shard as well. I hadn’t seen or spoken with Breesha since I brought her home from the hospital. She hadn’t tried to call or text me and I hadn’t tried to call or text her. I think Breesha may have forgot that not only did she lose a child, but I did as well. I lost a son for that matter. She never even asked me if I was okay or anything. I’m not even going to lie, coming home that day to find Breesha laid out in that bathroom, I felt like my whole world had come to an end. I didn’t know what the fuck I would do if I were to lose Breesha. This woman was literally my better half, the female version of me. She may not have known it, but she had really changed my life since the day that we decided to make things official. I was just glad that she was still here with us because honestly if she had died that day, Lord knows my life would never be the same.
I knew that at a time like this, I was supposed to be around her 24/7, but I was pretty sure she wasn’t stupid enough to try some shit like this again, especially after the way Nae cussed her ass out for being so stupid. I’m not saying I was done with Breesha but right now a nigga just needed some space. It took everything in me at the hospital not to strangle her ass to death. So, to avoid something like that happening, I chose not to be around her. And the fact that she wouldn’t even open up to me and let me know what was going on with her really made me feel some type of way. Breesha and I never kept secrets from each other. We were best friends before we were anything else so I was offended that my own fiancée couldn’t open up to her man.
I knew I was fucking up because I hadn’t even been over to the house to see my daughter. I’d been staying in this damn hotel and I was honestly ready to take my ass home. Today I was going into the shop because I had a lot of appointments that I had to take care of. Most likely, I was going to head back home today because I missed being around my family. Besides, my mama had been blowing my damn phone up telling me that I needed to take my ass home and stop acting crazy. Since Breesha and my mom met, those two had become as thick as thieves, so of course my mama was going to side with Breesha.
Pulling up to Tat Em Up, the place was on swole. I spoke to everybody and spotted my cousin Shard at his station, drawing up a half sleeve tattoo for one of his customers.
“What’s good nigga?” I asked, putting my bag on my chair.
“Shit nigga. What’s up with you?” Shard said, looking up from his drawing.
