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“I choose dangerous men,” Mila went on. “Maybe in some twisted way I actually believe that those men will protect me. They’re strong and confident and powerful, and I assume that I will be safe with them, but it’s just not true. It was true of Walter, and it’s true of you. I’m not saying you’re like him because I don’t actually believe you are. But you are still a dangerous man, and you live a dangerous lifestyle and… I’m not interested in being used until you get sick of me.
“Because you will get sick of me at some point, right?” Mila asked. “You said it yourself… all you wanted from me was a good fuck.”
I wanted to tell her that that wasn’t true. I had only been trying to hurt her because her rejection had hurt me. But that was a little more honest than I was capable of at this point.
She was looking at me as though she expected me to say something. And I did have lots I needed to say. I just didn’t have the courage to actually say them. “I guess there’s nothing more to say then,” I said.
I wondered if it was my imagination or if Mila looked slightly disappointed. She nodded and turned away from me. I could see only her profile. With her silky waterfall of auburn hair and her light blue eye sparkling in the muted light, she definitely didn’t look like she belonged here. A part of me realized that she deserved better too. She deserved more than a man like me… a man with baggage that I would carry around with me for the rest of my life.
I was about to turn for the door when I changed my mind. “You know what… fuck that,” I said, turning back to her. “I was there this morning, and I’m pretty sure you felt everything I felt this morning. You wanted me, but something is holding you back.”
Mila glanced at me. “Yes,” she nodded, at last.
“And you’re not going to tell me what that is?”
I saw Mila’s jaw clench. “Why should I be honest with you?” she demanded. “You haven’t been honest with me.”
She did know that I had lied about the reason for my falling out with my father. She was far more perceptive than I had first realized. But I was feeling a little better because this proved that whatever stood between us was not dead yet. There was still hope. I didn’t know what that hope was for exactly, and at the moment I didn’t care to.
“Goodnight, Mila,” I said, without reply. Then I walked out of her room.
Chapter Twelve
Mila
The training ring was empty today, and I took advantage of the peace and quiet. I had come to genuinely enjoy training, and sometimes I would sneak in on my own to train by myself for a little while. With each passing day, I felt stronger, more confident, and more in control. A lot of it had to do with Zack’s training, but it was also more than that.
It had been three days since Zack had barged into my room and demanded that I tell him why I had freaked out on him and run. We had been avoiding each other a little bit, coming together only for training sessions and going our separate ways immediately after.
That conversation I had had with him had opened my mind up, however. In the aftermath of it all, I had sat on my bed and had an epiphany. I had only been making excuses, hoping he would buy one and leave, but in the process, I had stumbled across a few unpleasant truths. Everything I had told Zack was the truth. I was attracted to dangerous men, and a huge reason for that was because I believed they would protect me.
I had hung my hopes on men my whole life, and they had always and unfailingly let me down. In fact, they had done more than just let me down. They had used me and abused me and taken advantage of my trust. Now I realized that I couldn’t count on anyone else; it was up to me to take control of my life and to protect myself. I needed to stop looking to others for protection, and I needed to start protecting myself.
This realization had set off a burning new determination inside me, and whenever I had a spare minute, I would train. I would read up on fighting skills. I would go over my weak points and my best moves in my head until I was dreaming of daggers and defensive positions and fancy kicks.
If Zack noticed my new zeal for training, he didn’t mention it. It seemed he was also preoccupied with his own shit, and I wasn’t about to pry. I had my secrets, and he had his, and neither one of us were ready to share just yet. That much was obvious.
“Hey.”
I turned in the direction of the voice and found Devon standing there by the ring, observing me with a look that suggested he was surprised to see me there.
“Hi,” I replied, relaxing my position and walking towards him. “What are you doing here?”
“I asked where you were, and the boys pointed me in this direction.”
I smiled. “Yeah, I thought I’d get in a little extra training.”
“By yourself?”
“Why not?” I asked. “I’ve been reading up too… so I have more teachers than just Zack.”
Devon nodded, and he looked a little thoughtful and amused at the same time.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s just… when I first brought you here, I thought you’d be a fish out of water. And you were… at first. But now… look at you.”
I actually looked down at myself. “Why… what do I look like now?” I asked.
