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“I think it’s the only way I’m going to have the energy to get out of bed.”
I was kissing his neck when I heard him give a thoughtful sigh. “What is it?” I asked, sensing that something was on his mind.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said. He was smiling, but I could see the veil of seriousness underneath it.
“Don’t say that,” I said.
“It’s true.”
“You’ve given me a lot,” I reminded him. “You’ve introduced me to my sexuality, and you’ve given me a job I’m passionate about. That means a lot to me.”
“Is it enough?”
I knew what he was really asking. Did I mind the hours he worked and the limbo relationship we found ourselves in most of the time? He wanted to know if I was satisfied with our relationship the way it was.
“It’s enough for now,” I replied back honestly.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Tristan
It was hard to feel like you were living a normal life when your home was actually a five-star resort in Hawaii, but there were moments when normal was exactly what I felt like. It was usually quiet moments in the morning when I woke up next to Molly. There were times when we could almost pass as the picture of domestic bliss. Except that Molly and I never had to cook or clean.
I was staring at Molly sleeping as I contemplated the future we might have one day. I had never before thought about marriage. I had never thought about children. I had been so consumed with working and keeping my father’s hard work going that I had never considered the alternate to career, which was family. Did I want the wife? Did I want the children? Did I want the minivan? Did I want the white picket fence?
They were never questions that had even occurred to me before. I had finished my degree and then jumped straight into a ready-made business that required my full attention. Whenever I had a moment to resurface for air, I only ever had time for a last-minute hookup or short-lived relationship.
But when I had committed to Molly, at least for the foreseeable future, it had opened up my mind to the possibilities. It had made me realize that I had never slowed down long enough to ask myself what I wanted outside of my career. And now that I thought about it, I realized that I could do without the white picket fence and the minivan, but the idea of having a wife and kids… Well, it didn’t sound so horrible.
I imagined myself standing at the end of an aisle, with a veiled woman in a white dress walking down towards me. It was a strange image, but I realized that I found it almost poetic in a way.
I was scared, in fact, I had never been so scared in my life. This life was not something I had ever considered. Did this happen because I was getting older? Or was this happening because of Molly?
The fact that she was my first serious relationship was not lost on me. Perhaps I was just romanticizing our situation. What if Molly was not as happy as she seemed? Even if she was happy now, there was no guarantee she would stay that way. I knew from past experience that women only put up with neglect for a certain period of time. After that, they get angry and moody and indignant. Then either they break up with me, or they force me to break up with them. It had been the story of my life for the last ten years, and I wondered if I was naïve to believe that could change.
I slipped out of bed and headed to the living room. It was early, but I got dressed anyway and headed to my office. The sunrise was magnificent, and I sat with my chair facing the windows with a cup of strong coffee, watching as world erupted in light. Half an hour later, I still hadn’t been able to stop my mind from racing long enough to get any work done.
I glanced at my watch and wondered if I should give Jason a call. I still hadn’t plucked up the courage to tell him about Molly and me. I had told Molly that I was scared to piss him off, but by now I knew that wasn’t the real reason. I was just scared that telling him would make this commitment real. It was nothing but a mental block on my part, but I was having a tough time wrapping my head around the reality of Molly and me.
I picked up the phone on my desk and dialed Jason’s number. Then I put in on speaker and waited for him to pick up. A few seconds later, Jason answered the phone.
“Hi, man,” I said. “Am I disturbing you?”
“Actually, no,” he said enthusiastically. “Perfect timing… I’m with the folks this weekend.”
“How are they?” I asked, even though I knew exactly how they were because of Molly.
“Doing really good,” Jason said. “Mom’s roped me into this charity fundraiser she’s doing tomorrow. She’s auctioning me off; can you believe it?”
I smiled. Molly had told me about it a few days ago. She and I had laughed at the idea of Jason parading around a room full of screaming women, determined to let loose for the night. Somehow, we had both felt that Jason would be in his element.
“Uh…that sounds fun.”
“Fun,” Jason repeated. “That’s one way of describing it. It’s for ALS, so it wasn’t as though I could say no.”
“What does this auction entail?” I asked, stalling for time.
“There’s this catwalk set up in the clubhouse,” he explained. “And there are thirty men on auction. The women have to place their bids, and the highest bidder gets the man she wants for a night of romance.”
