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Anyway, I didn't understand why she had felt the need to go to Buck. Our sex had been good, and I'd been very careful about giving her everything that she needed in bed. Or so I had thought. Apparently, I hadn't been enough to satisfy her, though.
I drove aimlessly around the town for a few minutes, knowing that if I went home, I was just going to stew. Finally, I decided to drive up to the lake where Olivia and I had had lunch. Maybe I would get a little clarity if I got some fresh air.
I sat on the hood, staring out over the water, thinking things through. Emma was asleep in her car seat. I kept the windows down and an eye on her.
I had to assume that Buck was telling the truth. Or maybe I didn’t. People lied all the time, right? No. There would be no reason for him to lie about it, and it was the only logical explanation for why he knew about Olivia's tattoo, as well as how he knew that she and I had slept together. Something wasn’t right.
But if Buck was telling the truth, that was the end of my pseudo-relationship with Olivia. There was no way I could continue to date her (not that we had ever really been dating) if she wanted to sleep around. And to be honest, I didn't even want to give her a chance to explain herself. I assumed she would only lie about it again, just like she had before, and I didn't want to hear it.
Even if she somehow managed to come up with some reasonable explanation for why she had slept with him (they'd been at a wedding with an open bar
; maybe she'd gotten really drunk?), I would never be able to trust her again. It was hard to have a relationship if you couldn't trust the other person.
My thoughts turned to Emily, because when I thought about people that I would trust with my life, she was always the first person who came to my mind. She had been truthful almost to a fault, but I'd always appreciated that about her.
Interestingly enough, when I thought about Emily now, I realized that the ache that I had felt at losing her had diminished somewhat. In contrast, the ache that I felt over losing Olivia had magnified.
It came to me, suddenly, that my feelings for Olivia were very similar to my feelings for Emily. I stared out over the water, thinking hard. Surely I couldn't love Olivia, not when we'd only been on a couple of dates. Sure, I thought she was interesting and funny, and she was insanely sexy. But love?
I knew it was true, though, the more I thought about it. And that made losing her even more difficult.
I swallowed hard and shook my head, knowing there was nothing that I could do about it. I had had my chance with her, and it hadn't worked out. Maybe if I'd just gone to the wedding, like I'd promised to do. Maybe if her mother had been healthy, and we hadn't had to bicker as much.
But those thoughts wouldn't lead to anywhere good, and I knew that. There was no choice but for me to let her go.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Olivia
By Friday, Mom was finally feeling well enough that she could go home. I was worried sick about her being at home, especially at home alone, but I knew the hospital probably needed the space for someone else, and anyway, there was nothing they could do for her. At least it meant the weight of deciding on the surgery was off my shoulders again.
I wanted to hire someone to do inpatient care, but I wasn't sure how to go about doing that, and I couldn't ask Eric about it. I would have asked Dr. Halsey about it, but I didn't know how I was going to convince my mother that she needed to have someone there with her, just in case. Since Dr. Halsey still didn't know Mom all that well, I didn't think that he was the best person to turn to for advice.
So against my better wishes, Mom went back home, as though nothing had changed.
The worst part about it was I knew that it probably only cemented things in Mom's mind: she could get better on her own and she didn't need the surgery. If she was ill, surely she wouldn't have gotten any better, and the doctors would have insisted on keeping her at the hospital.
To be honest, it was something that confused me as well. If the tumors were still growing in her lungs, how was it that there had been this change for the better? It was another thing that I wanted to talk over with Eric, but there was still the elephant in the room of our fight. Our last conversation, at the lake, had gone much better, but that didn't mean that we were on friendly terms again. I just had to work through this on my own.
The evening that Mom got home, she and I sat out on the front porch, drinking lemonade and basking in the warm sunlight. It was inching toward summer and the days started growing longer and warmer. It was only a matter of time before the heat and humidity got to be a little too much, but for now, we were enjoying it.
As much as I hated to spoil the moment, I remembered Eric's admonishment at the hospital that I hadn't pushed hard enough before, and I knew that I couldn't just avoid this conversation now. We no longer had time to pussyfoot around the treatment options. And since I had already made up my mind that the surgery was the only option, after talking with Eric, I at least had a firm stance to start the conversation from.
“Mom, what are you planning to do about treatment?” I asked, thinking that if I left it open to her decision, maybe she would surprise me by admitting that she had decided to do the surgery.
Of course, it couldn't be that easy. Mom sighed. “Olivia,” she said warningly.
I knew better than to get frustrated so soon into the talk, but I had a hard time not getting upset when she said it like that. “They said things looked bad when you went into the hospital,” I told her. “They X-rayed your lungs, and they said that the tumors are getting bigger and that soon you won't be able to breathe at all.”
“And yet, here I am, and I feel loads better than I did when I went into the hospital,” Mom said. “The steroids they gave me to reduce the tumors worked.”
“But that won't last,” I told her. “Mom, they said that the only option is to surgically remove them and then start chemo. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before...” I trailed off, tears pricking my eyes. I couldn't say the words; I could barely even think them.
I just didn't understand how Mom could continue to deny the severity of her illness.
Mom shook her head. “I'm going to keep drinking my tea every day and let come what may. Your old mom is strong, Olivia; you know that.”
I shook my head. “Strong or not, the cancer is only going to get worse if you don't do anything to fight it!” I told her.
