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“I have to apologize to you,” he said quietly. “I know that this isn't the right timing, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for doubting you, and for believing other people over you. I thought that what I overheard Buck saying at the gas station was true, even though you told me multiple times that you had never slept with him, and even though there was no reason for you to lie about it.”
He looked down at his hands, carefully considering his words. “Buck came up to talk to me at the reception, not long after he talked to you. He said he feels really bad for having lied about the two of you being together. Apparently, Georgia Witherspoon was behind all of it,” he continued. “She paid Buck to say those things, and Buck knew about the tattoo because of some photo of you and Jeannie on a beach. I should never have believed him, and I feel so stupid.”
I stared at him, not sure what he expected me to say. Was I meant to tell him that it was all right? It had felt like my heart had been shattered the day that he'd refused to believe that it was his baby. I couldn't forgive him just like that.
Despite the fact that it felt so right to hear him say those two simple words: 'our baby.'
“Georgia has been angling to land me ever since Emily died,” Eric said. “I'm sure you know that; everyone in this whole town knows that. I just never realized that she'd go that far with it. I didn't think that she could sink so low.” He paused. “Do you ever think that you'd be able to forgive me?”
I stared down at my hands, twisting my fingers around one another, still not sure what to say. I felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened over the course of that week. And there was so much to think about, in the future. If he didn't trust me, if Georgia's meddling had managed to break us up before we had even really had a relationship, what kind of future did that foretell for us?
As much as I wanted to believe that we could put the past behind us and start again, I knew I needed to do a lot of thinking before I was ready to do that. And I wasn't in my best state to do that thinking, not right now.
I sighed heavily. “I appreciate the apology,” I said sincerely. “But I need some time. I can't think about all of this right now, not when I'm caught up in everything else.”
“I understand,” Eric said gently. He brushed back a lock of my hair, and I wanted to lean into his touch, craving his comfort. But I knew I couldn't do that right now. “You should get some rest,” Eric continued. “And try to eat some food.”
“I know,” I said, even though I knew that both of those things were nigh on impossible for me at the moment.
“I'll see you soon,” Eric said, standing up and making his departure.
The truth was, I wasn't sure how to feel. I loved Eric, and I was almost desperate to be with him. The idea of raising this child with him at my side made things so much more bearable in my mind. But there was so much between us already. What if he still thought that he couldn't trust me? How would I feel if he believed someone else over me again?
Besides that, there was still his wishy-washy behavior from before, his inability to get over everything with Emily and start fresh with me. I had to believe that Mom's death had opened up that can of worms again and that he must be remembering all over again how difficult it had been for him to get over the loss of his wife. He was probably thinking of her every time he was comforting me.
And looking toward the future, was it at all possible that we could build a life together? The signs didn't look very positive. We'd had a couple of great nights, but it seemed like more often than not, our interactions ended unhappily. Could we even start something knowing that if we broke up, it would be Emma and our unborn child, in addition to the two of us, having to bear the heartache and the weight of disappointment that came along with it?
The whole point of the 'casual' relationship that we'd built had been that neither of us wanted to rush into anything. But it seemed like we couldn't do casual, not if it meant he thought that I was cheating on him.
I did appreciate his apology. But as for forgiving him, that was a much bigger task.
I wanted to think about it, though. Imagine what it would be like, if he and I were raising this child together, with Emma as a big sister. But I knew that if I even thought about it, I was going to try to make that a reality, no matter how bad an idea it might be.
It was all too much to think about, and it was especially frustrating to know that all my thinking would lead me nowhere, not when I was in this state. Finally, even though I knew that I should try to eat some food first, I headed upstairs and fell into bed, barely paused to undress first. I left my dress in a pile on the floor, knowing full well that it would cause irreparable wrinkles in the fabric. It wasn't as though I could ever wear the dress again anyway.
I fell into a fitful sleep, desperate to escape the world. Unfortunately, it followed me into fitful dreams.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eric
For the rest of the week, I gave Olivia space
, even though I knew that she had to be hurting. Even though I knew that, if Buck wasn't in the picture, she must be dealing with this all on her own. I couldn't imagine how difficult that must be for her. I'd felt alone when Emily had died, but Helen had been there every step of the way. She'd helped with making the funeral arrangements, and she'd been there to remind me to eat, even as I was there to remind her to sleep.
And there had been Emma, through all of it. I hadn't had too much time to dwell on the loss of my wife because I'd had an infant daughter who required every spare bit of attention that I had and then some.
I could only imagine how loud Olivia's thoughts had to be, how difficult it must be for her to go about her normal life. Especially since her normal life hadn't returned to normal just yet: I knew for a fact that the daycare was still closed for the time being. I wondered if she was getting to the house at all. I hoped that she was taking care of herself.
I wanted to go by and check up on her, but I knew that I needed to give her her space. I had said everything that I could say to her; it was up to her whether she was able to forgive me or not.
That didn't stop me from sending some of Jeannie's close friends over to check up on her, though.
By Friday, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, though. I had to do something. I knew that part of the problem in our relationship, whatever it had been, was that I hadn't done a good enough job of showing her just how much I cared for her.
So on Friday afternoon, armed with a proposition, I headed over to her house. I rang the doorbell and then waited anxiously on her front porch.
When she answered the door, it was immediately apparent that she had lost weight, but the shadows beneath her eyes weren't as dark as they might have been. She sighed when she saw me. “Eric, I haven't made any decisions yet,” she warned me. “I've tried thinking about it, but there's just so much going on at the moment that I don't have the energy to figure out what I want.”
