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A huge disappointment.
I put on one of my favorite songs from my angst-driven teenage years. Down by Something Corporate starts blaring through the speakers and I lose myself in the tunes for just a little bit. For just a little while, I lose myself in the song. I lose myself in the music. For just a little while, I forget what I’m running away from and think about what I’m running toward.
Freedom.
Hope.
Something new.
I peek at the GPS on my phone to see how much further I have to go. It’s just another hour to Honeypot, Colorado. My cousin Hope is graciously allowing me to stay with her and her family for a little while until I get back on my feet, until I figure out what I’m going to do with my life. She knows what it’s like to lose everything and have to start over.
She knows what it’s like to have nothing but yourself and your car and a couple of boxes of junk from your childhood.
I think about the fact that I reached out to Hope when my world fell apart and I think about what she said.
“Just come to Honeypot,” she told me. “Everything is different here. You’ll see. You need a fresh start, Amy. You need something new.”
Maybe it will be a fresh start. Maybe it will be exactly what I need, exactly what I hope for. Maybe it will give me everything I long for, but I doubt it. A city is a city and a town is a town. They’re all the same, in the end. Everyone is looking out for number one, and heaven help the person who gets in their way.
Nobody has time for other people.
Nobody has time to go out of their way and help.
Nobody has time for patience.
Nobody has time to forgive.
I start crying again as I drive. I wipe my eyes because it’s getting hard to see out the front window, but then I realize that’s not because of my tears. It’s because the engine has now started to smoke.
As the clouds billow from the front of the car, my heart sinks. This is it, then. This is the end of my wonderful, grand adventure. This is the part of my story where everything stops, where the heroine realizes she never really had a chance. The whole world was against her. What was she going to do?
Fight it?
I pull over to the side of the road and shut off the car. Then I just sit there. It’s dark, and I’m tired, and I’m on the side of a road I’m pretty sure shouldn’t even exist anymore. It’s not even a highway. It’s just some side road I thought would be faster and have less traffic.
Lucky me.
Always making the smart choices.
A quick glance at my cell phone confirms what I already suspected: that I have no towers. I can’t call for a tow. I can’t do anything right now but sleep in my car or walk to the next exit. Something tells me it’s not safe to sleep on the side of an empty road in the middle of nowhere, though, so my choice is easy.
Walking it is.
Finally, I get out of the car and open the hood. More smoke billows around me, but I try to ignore it as I prop the hood of the car open. I’m going to be making a journey on foot, and I’m hoping that if I make it obvious the car broke down, the cops won’t give me a ticket for illegal parking before I can get a tow.
I take my backpack and pull it on. I also grab my wallet, keys, and phone. Then I lock up my car and start walking. There’s other stuff in my car, of course. There are plenty of things people can take and resell, but I don’t really care about any of that. Right now I just care about moving forward, about reaching my destination, wherever that might be.
I’m going to need to call Hope as soon as I can to let her know I won’t be making it in to see her, but I think she’ll understand, and I think everything will be okay. I hope everything will be okay. I need everything to be okay.
I start walking.
As I move through the darkness, I realize I should feel afraid, but I just feel annoyed. Why can’t a single thing go right for me this week? Hell, why can’t a single thing go right for me in my entire life? Do I really deserve this? Have I really been such a terrible person that I deserve to have a million and nine things go wrong for me?
I want to say I’m not.
I want to say I’m not that bad and I don’t deserve it, but you never know.
Maybe I was a really terrible child or something and this is Karma’s way of getting back at me.
