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“He was a good man,” Chris said. “And he talked about you all the time. Did you know that, Sarah? Did you know he missed you more than anything?”
“I know,” she confirmed. “He told me every day.” She hesitated, then decided she should be brave and just go for it. “Chris? Do you want to…you know? Talk about that day?”
“Honey, not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day. It just hurts. That’s why I didn’t call you guys when I got back from Afghanistan. It’s why I didn’t email you after the accident. I should have. I’m sorry that I left you hanging.”
“I just wanted to know you were okay.” Sarah might have gone a little overboard with her own emails. Even after Garrett’s death, she had messaged Chris, checked on him, asked him how he was.
She missed their friendly banter and playful conversations .
She missed him.
“I should have reached out sooner, but I felt guilty.”
“For what?”
“For living.” He sighed, then sat back and crossed his legs, still staring at Garrett’s grave. “My therapist says it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. It feels wrong. I was in the same convoy, but a different vehicle. Doesn’t seem fair to me that my best friend died and I was left alive. There was barely a scratch on me, but Garrett’s vehicle? It was destroyed. All those men died.”
“And you were there.”
“I was there. Sarah, I don’t want to talk about that day because I can’t stand to think about it. And as much as I can’t stand to think about it, sometimes it’s all I think about. Late at night, I think about it. When I’m alone, I think about it. When I see a car driving too fast, I think about it. Garrett’s gone and it’s left a hole in my heart. He was my brother.”
Sarah placed her hand on Chris’. She wasn’t sure if she was allowed to or not. She wasn’t sure if that was okay, but Chris didn’t move. They sat there for awhile, hand-in-hand, just watching her brother.
“I talk to him sometimes,” she admitted. “I’ve never told anyone that.”
“Me too.”
Sarah didn’t know how long they sat there, but after awhile, Chris stood and helped her to her feet. They went back to his car and he drove them out of the cemetery. He stopped at her car and she gave him a quick hug, then hopped out.
When she got in her car, she finally let the tears out. Her brother was gone. Chris was right when he said Garrett shouldn’t have died, but he was wrong in thinking he should have taken his place. Chris shouldn’t have taken his place.
She only wished she could tell him her secret, tell him what she was afraid of when she was alone at night.
She was about to be a mother and no one knew.
And no one could help her.
5
When Sarah got home, she took a shower and a nap, then got online. Chris was on chat. She hesitated for just a moment, then decided that today was a day for going after what she wanted. For too long, she’d waited for other people to make their moves. Today was her chance to try something. Today was the day for being brave. Maybe she and Chris would never be more than friends, but maybe they could be a lot more.
She wouldn’t know unless she tried.
CutieFrog: Hey stranger.
StaffSergeantAwesome: What’s up, beautiful?
CutieFrog: Just saw you were on and thought I’d say hello…
StaffSergeantAwesome: Thanks for letting me come with you today to the cemetery. It was good to see him.
CutieFrog: Anytime.
StaffSergeantAwesome: What are you doing now?
CutieFrog: Just woke up from my NAP since I’m about 2 years old. J/K. But really, I just woke up from my nap.
StaffSergeantAwesome: You’re adorable
