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That was his strength and his weakness. He worked it on stage, even though it looked so simple.
Between songs, he stopped to push back his hair. That got to me, that move.
He went into an oldie. A real oldie. I could remember him writing it before we left home. The tune was much simpler than his new stuff but the lyrics cut right to the core. All the misery of being a misfit had been poured into that song. I couldn't listen to it. The music took me back to those times. I could almost smell the freshly cut hay and the cow shit. The sun beating down on us and the taste of stolen whiskey on his lips. The crazy optimism that told us no matter what happened, we had the whole future laid out before us. We'd be more than we were.
My fingers traced the words on my collarbone. Then I noticed Violet watching me with comprehension on her face. She'd asked me a few times what the words I had tattooed there meant. I'd never answered her but now, as Holden sang those words on stage, she obviously made the connection.
Then the song finished.
He ended his set with “Rock Princess”. No matter how much the earlier song had softened me, that song sent me into a rage. I hated him. I hated what he'd done to me and I'd hated the person I was when I was with him.
"I'm going downstairs," I said.
Screw Alex and screw the money. I'd stuck around for long enough. I couldn't be in the room while he sang that song. I'd end up exploding from anger.
I pushed through the crowd and ran downstairs. There were only a few people downstairs and they were chicks waiting to see if Holden appeared.
I hated Holden King. I hated him so much. I'd run but not far enough. I needed to put up more distance between us. I wiped a tear from my eye.
Violet’s office. That would be safe.
Wow, new sofa. Alex must've done that while she was away. I sat on it, testing the comfort. It was amazing. Was he doing that to try to get into her heart? It wouldn't work but it was a nice try. She hadn’t mentioned it to me but then she’d been so busy rushing around.
Even in the office, I could hear that song. It echoed down the back stairs. I fished in my pocket for my earplugs and jammed them in my ears. They blocked out the sound but my heart still knew he was singing those words.
I wondered if Violet still had that bottle of vodka in her desk drawer.
Chapter 17
I'D FALLEN ASLEEP ON the couch after polishing off the rest of the bottle of vodka. It still swung from my hand when I woke up. I wasn't drunk but woozy from sleep and a bit tipsy when the door opened.
"Violet?" I called.
She could get me more vodka. Vodka was good. Vodka made all the worries go away. I rarely drank much nowadays. Working in the bar, it was too easy for it to get out of hand. A few beers were okay but more than that and it became a problem. I'd had enough when I was younger. Waking up with black spots and blurred memories was now firmly in my past. But I'd forgotten the good bit about drinking. Floating on that happy cloud to a deep sleep. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had an unbroken sleep but I'd put money on it being before Holden came to town.
When I looked up though, I wondered if I was still stuck in a dream. One of those crazy, mixed-up dreams I'd been having.
"Holden? Where's Violet?"
It was definitely him but why was he in her office?
"I've got some expensive gear I need to pick up tomorrow and was worried about leaving it in the band room so Violet said to put it in her office. I didn't realize you were here."
He might not have realized but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave either. He stood in the middle of the room, staring at me. I sat up, placing the vodka bottle on the floor.
"Carlie, we need to talk."
"We don't need to talk, Holden. We need to not be alone together. Leave your stuff and go."
He leaned back against the desk. Fuck this. This was exactly the situation I wanted to avoid. My stomach flipped around. In this confined space, he was so close to me. There was no way to get out without pressing past him and nowhere to escape from his eyes.
"You don't understand. I'm not the person I used to be. I've changed. I might've been a shit in the past. We were so young, too young, and we both had so many issues to work through. But I think we're worth another shot. If I picture my future, you're the only woman I see me with."
I stood up. I couldn't handle this. My brain was too fuzzy from the booze.
"Well, I don't picture you in my future at all. Ever. I'd forgotten you ever existed before you came back to town."
He locked me in his gaze, reaching out and moving his fingers along my collarbone, tracing the tattoo I had there.
