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She paused and blinked her thick, black, sleepy lashes at him. How were they so dark when her hair was so light? They made her eyes glow. Smarter men painted or wrote sonnets about eyes like hers.
“Is there a difference? Between vices and appetites, I mean?”
And her mouth, her perfect plump, pouty lips—even eating an apple. She’d be the death of him one of these days.
“Well—” Jay pushed back his hair with his palm. “I suppose it comes down to control, order versus disorder. With a vice, you’ve lost all semblance of control. You crave, and you need to have what you desire, no matter the consequences. With a mere appetite, you indulge and enjoy, but if the subject was not ideal, you could pass. You aren’t filling an empty hole.”
His heart thudded as she screwed her mouth to the side and leaned over once more. What could she see? Could she feel the damage to his soul? The powerlessness? The lines on her brow deepened.
“You seem confused.”
“What if you’re in between?” Ursula ran her hand over the fruit remnants.
Ah, food, this was about food and her own compulsions. He couldn’t stop the smile. They’d better lock up the sugar.
“I believe you could forgo sweets, Urs. I think they calm you when you’re anxious, but you have quite a few solutions for that and you don’t always turn to pastries.”
As if to agree, Hecate chirped.
Urs tilted her head so she and the creature could kiss. Disgusting.
He forced rising apple back down his throat. He’d have to make sure she wiped her mouth before he kissed her again. Not that he would, but in the hypothetical.
“Then women are an appetite, not a vice, for you? Because you can say ‘no’ and are discerning?” Ursula creased her brow again, her eyes focused on him alone, the apple now in the monkey’s hands. “I suppose you might have even more self-control in that regard than I do with crème puffs.”
She giggled at her own teasing. Enchanting. She was completely enchanting. And tempting, very tempting. If only he was who he was seven years ago, when he wasn’t broken.
He grabbed the cloth and dotted her lips himself.
“Is that a compliment I hear somewhere in there?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Perhaps. Though don’t get a swelled head, or anything else.”
The pride on her face at her own naughty joke filled him more than any plate of food could. His stomach flipped again. No one had ever smiled like that at him, satisfied with just him.
Jay laid his hands flat, on either side of her, claiming her body for the moment. If only he could tell her, make her understand, let her see things he’d never shown anyone. More, if only he could be something, someone, more, better or at least less disappointing.
He sucked in a breath. “Women aren’t desserts and despite the nice aftereffects, I engage for more than just a way to pass the time or dispel nerves. Mutual enjoyment is necessary. I’m not a monster. It’s why I don’t visit brothels. Those women don’t engage for pleasure, they engage to survive.”
Silence hung between them. His lungs ceased taking in air. Had she assumed he visited those sorts of women? Was that the reason for the questions? Couldn’t she see him? As grave as his sins were, that wasn’t one of them.
Ursula frowned and twirled a curl, her thinking face. What could she be thinking about?
“So, no servants either?” she asked.
“Mercy, no.” His gut churned at the concept. She really understood nothing about pleasure, at least real pleasure. “A servant would be worse. A servant can’t say ‘no,’ without fear of being sacked. Even if one wanted to engage, one could never tell what was real desire and what was flattery. What’s the enjoyment in that?”
“And you take care to prevent unintended consequences?” she asked, still frowning.
He froze. Now she was close—too close. “Sin,” was too kind of a word to describe his error in judgment. Never again, but never again was too late.
How to respond? Play everything off as a risqué joke? That’s what he was good at, right? Sophie herself had tutored him, brought out those natural talents of deflection.
“Yes, and honestly, there are plenty of enjoyable activities which don’t risk those.” There. That was all true—now.
Ursula’s eyes widened and mercy, she licked her lips. All thoughts of the past fled as he gazed at the woman before him—the living one.
The wheels in her fascinating head were certainly spinning. What was she picturing? He didn’t want to know. Well, he did but it was so inadvisable. His eyes travelled down, and he swallowed.
