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I looked at the TV.
Her eyes remained on my face. “But you know I would never…” She shook her head, her voice getting choked up. “I would never hurt you.” She leaned into me and pressed a kiss to my shoulder.
I did know that.
“I won’t ask you again, but…I just want you to know that.” She kept her lips there and breathed against me, her hand planting against my chest as she plastered herself to me, like she wanted to crawl inside and live there.
My chin turned back to her, and I pressed a kiss to her hairline. I left it there, my hand cupping the back of her head, cherishing her for the gift she was. The moment our eyes met, I knew.
Eyes locked.
Our bodies in unison.
Her body engulfing mine.
My body weak for hers.
Breathing the same air. Breathing at the same time.
The beat of our hearts.
I wanted her every night. I wanted her always. But it wasn’t her body that satisfied me.
It was something else.
Something I couldn’t get when I went into her bedroom and fucked her like a whore. I got what I needed and left, but it was never close to what I felt when we were together like this.
It was therapy.
It fixed my broken heart. It faded my scars. It brought me peace.
We moved together. We came together. We lay together. It was perfect every time, satisfying despite its repetitiveness. It was beautiful like the art that I admired. She captured me so deeply, so completely, that I was lost without her.
We lay together in the darkness, still close together despite the heat on our skin and underneath it. My arms enveloped her, bars of a steel cage, to keep everything out, not to force her in.
Her fingertips brushed against my jawline, feeling the coarse shadow that darkened my face. With eyes on me, she spoke. “I understand you. I feel closer to you. I feel the pain that you carry… I can’t explain it.”
Neither could I.
“I would never ask you to change. I would never want you to.”
My lungs sucked in a breath at her admission, feeling a deeper connection to her than before, because she accepted me.
“But that doesn’t mean it can’t be different…”
My eyes narrowed on her face.
“I know you know what you’re doing is wrong…so just change that aspect—”
“No.” My voice rose out of anger because she’d dangled her acceptance then took it away. My arms loosened on her body. My touch withdrew.
Her eyes filled with pain. “You can still operate the camp. Just release the girls—”
“I said no.” I got out of bed and pulled on my boxers.
She sat up. “Why?”
“Because it doesn’t work in any other way. I’ve tried.” I sat at the edge of the bed, looking out the dark window.
“Then try again—”
“Enough.” I rose to my feet. “Go to bed.”
She left the sheets and stood on the rug naked, her eyes following me as I moved around the bed toward her. “After everything that happened to your mother and sister…you really think this is okay?”
My eyes shifted back and forth as I stood in front of her. “Never said it was.”
“Then stop—”
“I can’t.”
Her eyes filled with pain as she breathed harder, losing a battle she’d assumed she would win. “You have the money. You have the title. You have the woman. You have—”
“It will never be enough. Not after what he stole from us.”
She shook her head, looking at me with sheer disappointment. “Your mother wouldn’t want this—”
That look just killed me. “She didn’t want to be killed in her sleep either. My mother would have wanted a lot of things but didn’t live long enough to want them in the first place. Bad shit happens to good people.” My voice rose in my rage. “It doesn’t make it right, but that’s life. Accept it.”
She shook her head as her eyes watered. “Let it go—”
“Never.” I stepped closer to her, my eyes drilling into her face with anger.
“This isn’t who you are.”
“It’s exactly who I am.” I got in her face, nostrils flaring, arms shaking. “Accept me.”
Tears dripped down her cheeks. “I accept you. I love you. But I don’t accept this part because it’s not who you are. I believe there’s more to you, and the reason I believe that is because I love you so much.” She cried harder in front of me, pleading, tugging on my heartstrings in the way I hated. “I won’t give up on you. I know you’ll let the past go…and do the right thing—”
“Get out.” I wouldn’t listen to this bullshit anymore. I shared my past with her so she could understand, not so she would try to change what was unchangeable. There was no other way—and nothing would stop me.
She continued to cry in front of me.
“Don’t make me ask you again.”
