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Raven looked disappointed, but after a few seconds, she hid that expression. “Why?”
“Because…I can’t do that to him.” The truth was locked in a safe inside my heart.
Raven took a deep breath, and as she slowly released it, revulsion spread across her face. “Melanie, this is the man who raped you—”
“He didn’t.” My voice strengthened, because it was such a terrible accusation that didn’t fit Fender in the least. He could never do something like that. Not to me. Not to anyone. He always treated me like a queen, even when he didn’t know me. I raised my chin and looked directly at her, offended even though it wasn’t her fault for jumping to that conclusion. I hid every thought and feeling from her because the truth was worse than the assumption. “I never said that.”
“But he took you from the cabin, put you in another… He dragged his fingers against your cheek and said you tried to get away from him.”
I shook my head. “He put me in a different cabin so he could be alone with me, but he never forced me. He would just have dinner with me and said he would wait until I was ready. And then…I was ready.”
The look Raven gave me…was indescribable.
I couldn’t handle that stare. I just couldn’t. I looked away.
Raven was quiet, and the energy around her was so hostile that it seemed as if she might get up and storm out. She took a moment to calm herself before she spoke again, speaking to me like I was a child. “Melanie…I understand we’ve been in dire circumstances and it’s easy to grow attached to anything that’s comforting, but this is the man who enslaves and kills innocent women, women that we’ve known. How can you possibly feel that way about him?”
That was the million-dollar question. We didn’t have enough time for me to explain the depth of my feelings, how they started, how they became so strong. There was nothing I could do to make her understand. But then an idea came to mind, something she could definitely comprehend. “The same reason you feel that way about Magnus.”
The anger that appeared on Raven’s face happened instantly, her breathing deeper, her cheeks flushing slightly. She was livid. “They are not the same, Melanie. Magnus is nothing like that monster.”
“How are they different?” Defensive when I shouldn’t be, I met her head on. “Both men don’t hang the women themselves, but they both work there. How is it different? Magnus is just as guilty, and yet you look at him the way Fender looks at me.”
Raven took a few breaths before she responded. “Magnus doesn’t agree with the way the camp is run and has expressed that many times to Fender, but Fender ignores it. Magnus is the one who risked his neck to save us both. What has Fender done other than buy you pretty things? I’m sorry, but to compare the two men is fucking insulting. How can you feel any affection for the man who’s the boss of that camp? How?”
My eyes started to water in shame. Our time together was rare, and we were spending it at the gallows, the noose around my neck, her hand on the rope. “I just… I can’t explain it.”
Anger flew from her lips like bullets from a gun. “Well, you better try.”
“He’s just…more than that. He takes care of me, he’s good to me, he’s…a man. He’s not like the other boys out there, and I like that. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t change the way I feel. I can’t kill him. I can’t do it, okay? I’m sorry.” I knew that was a terrible explanation and totally missed the mark. Hot tears left my eyes and dripped down my cheeks.
Raven held her silence, but it was obvious that she struggled to process all of that without losing her temper. “If you don’t kill him, I’ll never get out of that camp. The women will never get out of that camp. Magnus will never be able to be free.”
I kept my head down because the weight was so heavy. I witnessed Fender’s relationship with Magnus from the front row, saw the untouchable connection between them, so I just said something to get her off my back, knowing neither man would ever hurt the other. “Why can’t Magnus do it—”
“Because Fender will kill him. And Magnus won’t kill his brother, so…”
I wanted this conversation to end because I was a mess. “You can kill Magnus and run—”
“Don’t say that again.” Raven lost her temper, her eyes like daggers. “You know Magnus is not like him. I don’t even need to say it. Lie to yourself all you want, but it won’t change reality. Magnus is the hero…and Fender is the villain.”
I couldn’t look at her. “I’m willing to sneak around and carry your secrets. I’m willing to do anything and everything to help you and those girls that are stuck there, but I can’t kill him. I’m sorry…” I started to cry—full on.
