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My gaze narrows.
OD: I can hear your judgment in that last one.
Slytherin4ever: Can you blame me?
OD: I guess not. If it helps, I didn’t want to have sex with her.
Slytherin4ever: Oh, so your penis just fell into her vagina?
Another laugh bursts out of me.
Who is this girl?
OD: No. But I was drowning my misery in alcohol and thought she’d make me forget about how badly I’d screwed up and how much I missed my ex. Not that it’s an excuse, but….
Slytherin4ever: Did it help? Sleeping with someone else?
I sigh and drop my head back to the bed frame behind me as the familiar guilt spreads from my chest and out to my limbs. That night is still fuzzy as if a filter’s been placed over it, but the pain is still there. The disgust with myself. The regret. And any pleasure, no matter how fleeting or forced, was a wisp of smoke in the inferno of mistakes I’d already created. There was no going back. There is no going back. Because no matter how hard a guy can wish he could turn back time, it isn’t possible. Not even for me.
How the hell did we get on this topic?
I’ve never talked about this with anyone before. I’ve never wanted to. Yet, even though this conversation is a hell of a lot deeper than the average conversation with a stranger, it’s almost cathartic. Like the poison is being sucked from the wound, giving me the opportunity to breathe for a minute. To acknowledge my past mistakes in hopes of finding a clean slate, though I know the reality of that is impossible.
My short, trimmed nails scrape along my jaw before I type my response.
OD: No. And even though I was thinking about her the entire time, I felt guilty as hell. For using a random stranger to numb the pain. For betraying the love of my life. All of it.
Slytherin4ever: And then what?
OD: Then she contacted me a few months later and told me she was pregnant.
Slytherin4ever: After only one night?
OD: Yeah.
Slytherin4ever: I guess you learned to wrap up after that.
OD: I HAD wrapped up. She’d messed with it, and I was too drunk off my ass to notice.
Slytherin4ever: Why would she mess with it?
OD: Looking for a sugar daddy, I guess.
Slytherin4ever: What do you mean?
OD: I thought you were a football fan. ;) I was supposed to go to the NFL as a top-ten pick before I blew out my knee during my senior year. I had to say goodbye to my future in football and goodbye to the big-ass paychecks that would’ve come with it.
Slytherin4ever: Are you done with football, then?
OD: I actually helped recruit football players for the college I went to for a few years, but I recently quit.
Slytherin4ever: Why?
OD: It’s complicated.
Slytherin4ever: There’s that word again. So…you’re done with football?
OD: Not entirely.
