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'Now that everyone's here, I have an announcement to make,'
Valerie said. 'Albert and I have set a date to get married.'
This was an important announcement because when Valerie was pregnant she was thinking she might hold out for Ranger or
Indiana Jones. This was a worrisome situation since it was unlikely either of those guys would be interested in marrying Valerie.
Valerie's opinion of Albert Kloughn improved with the birth of the baby, but until this moment my mother harbored the fear that she'd be saddled with Valerie gossip for the rest of her life. Unwed mothers, horrific painful deaths, and cheating husbands were the favorite topics of the Burg gossipmongers.
That's wonderful!' my mother said, clapping a hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. `I'm so happy for you.'
'A wedding!' Grandma said. 'I'll need a new dress. And we need a hall for the reception.' She dabbed at her eyes. 'Look at me...
I'm all teary.'
Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs.
I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums,' she said.
Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.'
Kloughn was standing at the end of the table with a glass of wine in his hand. I have to make a toast,' he said. 'To the future Mrs
Kloughn!'
My mother went still as stone. She hadn't totally thought through the consequences of Valerie's marriage to Albert. 'Valerie
Kloughn,' she said, trying not to show her horror.
'Holy crap,' my father said.
I leaned close to Morelli. 'Now I'm not the only clown in the family,' I whispered.
Morelli raised his glass. To Valerie Kloughn,' he said.
Kloughn drained his glass and refilled it. 'And to me! Because
I'm the luckiest man ever. I found my lovey pumpkin, my one true lovey dovey, my big fat sweetie pie.'
'Hey, wait a minute...' Valerie said. 'Big fat sweetie pie?'
Grandma refilled her wineglass, 'Somebody stun-gun him,' she said. 'I can't take no more.'
Kloughn rushed on. His face was flushed, and he'd started to sweat. I've even got a baby,' he said. 'I don't know how that happened. Well, I mean, I guess I know how it happened. I think it happened on the couch in there..."
Everyone but Joe sucked in some air. Joe was smiling. 'And to think, I almost missed this,' he whispered to me.
My mother looked like tomorrow she'd be shopping for a new couch. And my father was studying his butter knife... undoubtedly wondering how much damage he could do. Good thing the carving knife was in the kitchen.
'It usually takes Kloughns years to get pregnant,' Albert said.
'Historically we have a low mobility. Our guys can't swim. That's what my father always said. He said, Albert, don't expect to be a father, because Kloughns can't swim. And look at this. My guys could swim! It's not like I was even trying. I just couldn't figure out how to get the thingy on. And then once I got it on, but I think it had a hole in it, because it seemed like it was leaking. Wouldn't it be something if that was the time? Wouldn't it be something if my guys could swim through the thingy? Like I had Superman guys!'
Poor Snuggy Uggums was motoring down the road to doom, gaining momentum, out of control with no idea how to stop.
'Do something,' I said to Joe. 'He's dying.'
Morelli was still wearing his gun. He took it off his hip and pointed it at Kloughn. 'Albert,' he said, very calmly. 'Shut up.'
