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'Hunh. I could take care of those dogs if I had to. It's not like I'm afraid of those dogs.'
'Well, I'm afraid of those dogs, so haul ass.'
And that was when we heard them. Yipping, yipping, yipping in the distance. On the move. Getting closer. Somewhere out of sight, to the side of the building.
'Oh shit,' Lula said. And Lula started running for the car, knees up, arms pumping.
I was two steps in front of her, running for all I was worth. I could hear the dogs round the corner. I turned to look, and I saw them galloping after us, eyes wild, mouths open, tongues and ears catching wind. They were closing ground fast, the biggest of them in the lead.
Lula let out a shriek. 'Lord help me!'
I guess the Lord was listening because they ran past Lula and took me down. The first dog hit me square in the back, sending me to my knees. Not a good position to be in when you're attacked by a pack of humpers. I tried to regain my footing, but the dogs were on me, and I couldn't get up. I had humpers on both legs, and a bulldog that looked like Winston Churchill humping my head.
There was a humper on a humper.
'Keep going. Save yourself!' I yelled to Lula. Tell my mother I love her.'
'Get up!' Lula yelled at me. 'You gotta get up! Those dogs'll hump you to death.'
She was right. The pack was vicious. It was in a humping frenzy.
Dogs in inferior humping positions were snarling and nipping, jockeying for better locations. The leg humpers held tight, grimly determined to finish the job, but the head humper kept losing his grip. The head humper was drooling and panting hot dog breath in my face. He'd hump some and slide off, and then he'd come scrambling back, trying to hump again.
'I can't get up!' I said. I've got seven humping dogs on me. Seven. Do something!'
Lula was running around, hands in the air. 'I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.'
'Get the dog off my head,' I yelled. 'I don't care about the leg humpers. Just get the dog off my head!'
'Maybe you should let them have their way with you,' Lula said.
They'll go away as soon as they're done. That's the way it is with male humping.'
'Maybe you should goddamn grab this horny humping bulldog and get him the hell off my freaking head!'
The door to Lowanda's apartment crashed open, and Lowanda yelled out to us. 'Hey!' she said. 'What are you doing to my dogs?'
'We aren't doing nothing,' Lula said. They're humping
Stephanie.'
Lowanda had a bag of dog kibble in her hand. She shook the bag and the dogs stopped humping and looked around. Lowanda shook the bag some more and the dogs gave a couple last halfhearted humps and took off for the kibble.
'Dumb-ass bounty hunters,' Lowanda said, disappearing into the house with the dogs, slamming and locking the door behind her.
/> 'I thought you were a goner,' Lula said to me.
I was on my back, breathing heavy, eyes closed. 'Give me a minute.'
'You're a mess,' Lula said. 'Those dogs humped all over you. And you got something in your hair from that bulldog.'
I got to my feet. `I'm going with drool. It looks like drool, right?'
'If you say so.'
Lula and I moved to the safety of the car, and Lula drove the distance to Beverly's apartment. Beverly's apartment looked a lot like Lowanda's, except Beverly didn't have a recliner. Beverly had a couch hauled up to her television. The couch was partially covered with a blue sheet, and I feared there was a gross stain under the sheet, too terrible for even Beverly to overlook.
'You can't come in here now,' Beverly said, when she opened the door. `I'm busy. I got my honey here, and we were just getting it on.'
