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This got everyone's attention.
'I'm staying in a friend's apartment,' I said.
'What friend?'
'I can't say. It's... a secret.'
'Omigod,' my mother said. 'You're having an affair with a married man.'
`I'm not!'
'Isn't that something,' Grandma said.
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Sally snapped the band on his wrist.
'What was that for?' Grandma asked.
'I thought a really bad word,' Sally said.
`Yeesh. I'm not going to discuss this,' I told everyone. This is stupid.' And I flounced off to take a shower.
An hour later, I was showered and shampooed, and I was peering into my mother's refrigerator. I didn't have nearly so much blubber hanging over the waistband of my jeans today Amazing how the fat disappears when you stop eating. The downside was that I felt mean as a snake.
'What are you looking for?' my mother wanted to know. 'You've been standing there with the door open for ten minutes.'
`I'm looking for something that won't make me fat.'
'You're not fat,' my mother said. You shouldn't worry.'
'She's got to be careful of the Plum side of the family.' Grandma said. 'This is when it starts. Remember how Violet was always so thin? Then she hit her thirties and ballooned up. Now she has to buy two seats when she gets on an airplane.'
'I don't know what to eat!' I said, arms flapping. 'I've never had to worry about weight before. What the hell am I supposed to friggin' eat?'
'Depends what kind of diet you're doing,' Grandma said. 'Are you doing Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, The Zone, The
Slime Diet, The Sex Diet? I like the Slime Diet, myself. That's where you're only allowed to eat things that got slime... like oysters and slugs and raw bull's balls. I was going to try the Sex
Diet, but I couldn't figure out some of the rules. Every time you get hungry you're supposed to have sex. Only thing is, they didn't say what kind of sex you're supposed to have. Like, whether you should have it alone or with someone else. And what about that oral sex stuff? I never did a lot of that personally. Your grandfather wasn't much for experimenting,' Grandma said to me.
My mother went to the cupboard, poured herself a tumbler of whiskey, and chugged it.
'So what kind of diet are you on?' Grandma asked me.
'I'm on the Tastykake diet,' I said, helping myself to a
Butterscotch Krimpet.
'Good for you,' Grandma said. That's a good choice.'
`I'm going back to work,' I told everyone, putting my hood up, ducking out the back door.
Mrs Krezwicki was at her kitchen window when I scuttled through her yard. She leveled a gun at me, sighting with one eye. I pushed the hood back and waved, and she lowered the gun and reached for the wall phone. Calling my mother, no doubt.
I got into the Lincoln and drove to the office.
'I heard from Lula at the courthouse,' Connie said. 'Cantell's doing okay.'
