AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Do you know what kind of car he just bought?”
“Ford Taurus. He got it at that big dealership on Route One. Shiller Ford.”
“His age?”
“I don't know his exact age, but his wife looks like she's late fifties.”
“What about his job? Did he quit his job when he disappeared?” “He didn't have a job. He used to work for some computer company, but he took early retirement. About Valerie...”
“I'll talk to Valerie for you,” I said. And I hung up.
Valerie answered on the second ring. “Yuh,” she said.
“I just talked to Albert. He said he slept in his office.”
“He said I was fat.”
“He said you were chubby.”
“Do you think I'm chubby?” Val asked.
“No,” I told her. “I think you're fat.”
“Oh God,” Valerie wailed. “Oh God! How did this happen? How did I get fat?”
“You ate everything. And you ate it with gravy.”
“I did it for the baby.”
“Well, something went wrong because only seven pounds went to the baby, and you got the rest.”
“I don't know how to get rid of it. I've never been fat before.”
“You should talk to Lula. She's good at losing weight.”
“If she's so good at losing weight, why is she so big?”
“She's also good at gaining weight. She gains it. She loses it. She gains it. She loses it.”
“The wedding is on Saturday. If I really worked at it, do you think I could lose sixty pounds between now and Saturday?”
“I guess you could have it sucked out, but I hear that's real painful and you get a lot of bruising.”
“I hate my life,” Val said.
“Really?”
“No. I just hate being fat.”
“That doesn't mean you should hate Albert. He didn't make you fat.”
“I know. I've been awful to him, and he's such an adorable oogie woogams.”
“I think it's great that you're in love, Val. And I'm happy for you... I really am. But the baby talk cuddle umpkins oogie woogams thing is making me a little barfy warfy. What about the Virgin Mary, Val? Remember when everyone said you were just like the Virgin Mary? You were cool and serene like the Virgin Mary, like a big pink plaster statue of the Virgin. Would the Virgi
n refer to God as her cuddle umpkins? I don't think so.”
The next call was to my cousin Linda at the DMV. “I need some information,”
