AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Chapter 1
My mother and grandmother raised me to be a good girl, and I have no problem with the girl part. I like men, malls, and carbs. Not necessarily in that order. The good part has been spotty. I don’t steal cars or sniff glue, but I’ve had a lot of impure thoughts. And I’ve acted on a bunch of them. Not limited to, but including, snooping through a guy’s closet in search of his underwear. On the surface, this doesn’t sound like a majorly hot experience, but this was no ordinary guy, and I couldn’t find any underwear.
My mother and my Grandma Mazur are really good. They pray every day and go to church regularly. I have good intentions, but religion, for me, is like tennis. I play an excellent mental game, and in my mind’s eye I look terrific in the little white skirt, but the reality is I never actually get onto the court.
It’s usually when I’m in the shower that I think of things spiritual and mystical and wonder about the unknown. Like, is there life after death? And just what, exactly, is collagen?
And suppose Wonder Woman actually exists. If she was discreet, you might not know, right?
Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and when I was in the shower this morning, my thoughts were about luck. How does it work? Why are some people flat-?out lucky and others not so lucky? Virgil said fortune favors the bold. Okay, so I read that on the stall door in the ladies’ room of the multiplex last week, and I don’t personally know Virgil, but I like his thinking. Still, there has to be something else going on besides being bold. Things we can’t comprehend.
My name is Stephanie Plum, and I try to leave the incomprehensible in the shower. Life is tough enough without walking around all day wondering why God invented cellulite. I’m a skip tracer for my cousin Vinnie’s bail bonds agency in Trenton, New Jersey, and I spend my day hunting felons who are hiding in attics. It was a little after nine a.m. and I was on the sidewalk in front of the bonds office with my sidekick, Lula.
“You’re a holiday shirker,” Lula said. “Every time a holiday comes up, you don’t do your part. Here it is St. Patrick’s Day and you don’t have no green on you. You’re lucky there’s no holiday police because they’d haul your boney behind off to the shirker’s dungeon.”
“I don’t own anything green.” Okay, an olive drab T-?shirt, but it was dirty.
“I own lots of green. I look good in it,” Lula said. “But then I look good in all colors. Maybe not brown on account of it blends with my skin tone. Brown’s too much of a good thing on me.”
Lula’s borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn’t exactly that Lula is fat; it’s more that she’s too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries. Her attitude is Jersey times ten, and today her hair was candy-?apple red. She was packed into shamrock-?green animal-?print stretch pants, a matching green sequin-?encrusted stretchy top, and spike-?heeled dark green suede ankle boots. Lula was a hooker before she took the job at the bonds office, and I was guessing this outfit was left over from the St. Patrick’s Day fantasy collection.
Truth is, I sometimes feel a little boring and incredibly pale when I’m with Lula. I’m of Hungarian and Italian descent, and my complexion is more Eastern European than Mediterranean. I have shoulder-?length, unexceptional, curly brown hair, blue eyes, and a nice nose that I inherited from the Mazur side of the family. I was in my usual jeans and sneakers and long-?sleeved T-?shirt that carried the Rangers hockey team logo. The temperature was in the fifties, and Lula and I were bundled into hooded sweatshirts. Lula’s sweatshirt said kiss me i’m pretending i’m irish, and mine was gray with a small chocolate ice cream stain on the cuff.
Lula and I were on our way to get a Lucky Clucky Shake at Cluck-?in-?a-?Bucket, and Lula was rooting through her purse, trying to find her car keys.
“I know I got those keys in here somewhere,” Lula said, pulling stuff out of her purse, piling everything onto the hood of her car. Gum, lip balm, stun gun, cell phone, a forty-?caliber nickel-?plated Glock, Tic Tacs, a can of Mace, a personal-?mood candle, a flashlight, handcuffs, a screwdriver, nail polish, the pearl-?handled Derringer she got as a Valentine’s Day present from her honey, Tank, a musical bottle opener, a roll of toilet paper, Rolaids...
“A screwdriver?” I asked her.
“You never know when you’ll need one. You’d be surprised what you could do with a screwdriver. I got extra-?strength cherry-?scented condoms in here, too. “Cause you never know when Tank might be needing some emergency quality time.”
Lula found her key, we piled into her red Firebird, and she motored away from the curb. She turned off Hamilton Avenue onto Columbus Avenue, and we both gaped at the gray-?haired, wiry little old lady half a block away. The woman was dressed in white tennis shoes, bright green stretch pants, and a gray wool jacket. She had a white bakery bag in one hand and the strap to a large canvas duffel bag in the other. And she was struggling to drag the duffel bag down the sidewalk.
Lula squinted through the windshield. “That’s either Kermit the Frog or your granny.”
Grandma Mazur’s lived with my parents ever since my Grandpa Harry went to the big trans-?fat farm in the sky. Grandma was a closet free spirit for the first seventy years of her life. She kicked the door open when my grandpa died, and now nobody can get her back in. Personally, I think she’s great... but then I don’t have to live with her.
A car wheeled around the corner and rocked to a stop alongside Grandma.
“Don’t look like there’s anybody driving that car,” Lula said. “I don’t see no head.”
The driver’s side door opened, and a little man jumped out. He was slim, with curly, short-?cropped gray hair, and he was wearing green slacks.
“Look at that,” Lula said. “Granny’s wearing green and the little tiny man’s wearing green. Everybody’s wearing green except you. Don’t you feel like a party pooper?”
The little man was talking to Grandma, and Grandma wasn’t looking happy with him. Grandma started inching away, and the little man snatched the strap of the duffel bag and yanked it out of Grandma’s hand. Grandma roundhoused the man on the side of his head with her big black purse, and he dropped to his knees.
“She handles herself real good, considering she’s so old and rickety,” Lula said.
Grandma hit the little man again. He grabbed her, and the two of them went down to the ground, locked together, rolling around kicking and slapping.
I wrenched the door open, swung out of the Firebird, and waded into the mix. I pulled the little man off Grandma and held him at arm’s length.
He squirmed and grunted and flailed his arms. “Let me go!” he yelled, his voice pinched from the exertion. “Do you have any idea who I am?”
