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Joyce Barnhardt is my arch nemesis. I went all through school with Joyce, and she did her best to make my life a misery. In all fairness to Joyce, I wasn’t singled out. Joyce made everyone’s life a misery. She was a fat kid who spit on other people’s food, looked under the stall door in the bathroom, lied, cheated, and bullied. Somewhere in high school, she morphed into a sexual vampire, and eventually she lost weight, bought breasts, inflated her lips, dyed her hair, and honed her skills as a home wrecker and user to an all-time high. She’s had multiple marriages, each more profitable than the previous, and she’s currently single and hunting. She drives a flashy Corvette and lives in a large house not far from Vinnie.
“Let’s saddle up,” I said to Lula.
“You going to get Vinnie?” she asked.
“Yes. I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to retrieve him.”
“I hear you,” Lula said.
TWENTY-ONE
JOYCE LIVED IN a house that was a cross between Mount Vernon and Tara from Gone with the Wind. Professionally maintained green lawn leading to a monster white colonial with black shutters and a columned entrance. I turned onto Joyce’s street and saw that Vinnie was sitting on the curb in front of the house. He was back to wearing only boxer shorts, and he had a two-day beard.
“That’s disgustin’,” Lula said. “You aren’t gonna let him into this nice car, are you? He’s probably got Barnhardt cooties all over him. Maybe you should strap him to the roof.”
“I haven’t got any bungee cords. He’s going to have to ride inside.”
I stopped and let Vinnie into the Mercedes.
“What took you so long?” he said.
He was in the backseat, and I looked in my rearview mirror and gave him my death stare.
“You got no manners,” Lula said to Vinnie. “I’m gonna have to disinfect my eyes with bleach after seeing you in them shorts. Why are you always just wearing shorts whenever we rescue you?”
“I wasn’t wearing anything when I got kicked out,” Vinnie said. “The neighbors complained, and Joyce threw these shorts out to me. They’re not even mine.”
“Why didn’t you at least call?”
“Hello?” Vinnie said. “Do you see a phone on me?”
“Guess not any of Joyce’s neighbors were gonna open the door to a naked man,” Lula said.
“Only long enough to send the dog out after me,” Vinnie said.
“So why’d Joyce kick you out?” Lula asked.
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“She found out I didn’t have any money.”
A half hour later, I was back at the office and Vinnie was inside, staring down at the electric cord running out to Mooner’s RV. “What the hell?”
“He needed juice for the Cosmic Alliance,” Lula said. “Are you gonna put clothes on? I’m gettin’ nauseous lookin’ at your nasty weasel body.”
“My clothes are all in the rolling goof house out there. That guy is a nut. Hasn’t anyone ever told him Hobbits aren’t real?” Vinnie went to his office and looked around. “What happened to my furniture? All I’ve got in here is my desk and a folding chair.”
“We sold it,” Connie said.
“Yeah, we sold everything,” Lula told him. “We sold all the dishes, guns, grills, and jewelry. We even sold the motorcycle.”
“The BMW? Are you shitting me? That was my private motorcycle.”
“Not no more,” Lula said.
“We needed the money to buy back your debt,” I told him. “You’re off the hook with Sunflower and Mickey Gritch.”
Mooner ambled in. “Hey, amigo,” he said to Vinnie. “Welcome back, dude. Long time, no see.”
