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Lula was waiting for me in front of the coffee shop. She was on the sidewalk with a giant coffee in one hand and a Super Soaker water gun in the other. She was dressed down in pink yoga pants, a matching pink tank top, and matching pink sneakers. Everything was detailed with silver glitter, and the spider hairdo was splashed with pink highlights.
I waited for her to settle into the Shelby, and I asked the obvious question. “What’s with the Super Soaker?”
“I had a stroke of genius when you called me this morning. I said what do I have to do to protect myself from the vampire? And the answer that came to me was holy water! I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.”
“You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?”
“Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?”
“The baptismal font?”
“That’s it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking.”
“Brilliant,” I said to Lula.
She tapped her head with her finger. “No grass growin’ here.”
I wound my way through the Burg to Leonard’s house on Meecham Street. The house screamed neglect, from the unkempt front yard to the rotted window frames and disintegrating asbestos shingle roof. Shades were drawn on all the windows. The houses on either side were more respectable with fresh paint and tidy lawns. Clearly their owners hadn’t been downsized. There were no garages or driveways on this street, so houses had cars parked in front … with the exception of Leonard’s house. Leonard’s car had been repossessed. Bad for Leonard. Good for me. Lots of room for the Shelby.
“So how do you want to do this?” Lula asked.
“Connie said there’s no phone or electric going into the house. Doesn’t look like Leonard has a cell phone either. That means we can’t call him to see if he’s in there. We could try talking to the neighbors, but I don’t want to turn this into a production.”
“Least we don’t have to worry about Ziggy sneaking away. It’s real sunny today. Ziggy’s not gonna want to go outside. And if he does go outside we’ll hear him screaming and see him smokin’.”
Lula and I got out of the car and walked up to the front door. I knocked once. No one answered. I put
my ear to the door. Silence.
“I bet Leonard isn’t here, and Ziggy’s asleep in his forever box,” Lula whispered.
I should be so lucky.
I put my hand to the knob and turned. Not locked. I opened the door and stepped inside. I had cuffs tucked into the back of my jeans, my stun gun in my sweatshirt pocket, and pepper spray in my other pocket. I took a moment to let my eyes adjust to the dark interior. The house felt abandoned. The front room had been stripped of furniture.
Lula took a big sniff and raised the Super Soaker. “I smell vampire.”
I cut my eyes to Lula. “You’re a nut.”
“Well I smell something.”
“Mold.”
“Yeah. I smell moldy vampire.”
We crept into the dining room and found the casket. The rest of the room was bare. The casket lid was up, and Ziggy was asleep inside, arms crossed over his chest like the living dead.
“Lord protect me,” Lula said. And before I realized what she was about to do, she gave Ziggy a blast with the Super Soaker.
Ziggy sat up and shook his head, spraying water. “What the Sam Hill?”
Lula gave him another shot, and Ziggy sprang out of the casket and latched on to her.
“He’s going for my neck,” she yelled. “Get him off. Get him off.”
Lula was slapping at Ziggy, and Ziggy was making sucking sounds in the vicinity of her neck. I grabbed Ziggy by the back of his shirt and yanked him off Lula.
“Stop sucking,” I said to Ziggy. “You’re not a vampire. Get over it.”
